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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel generally WTF by the way DH thinks

131 replies

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 02:21

Firstly this isn't a super serious thread where I am annoyed with DH or anything.

Sometimes my head cannot do the mental gymnastics to come to the same conclusion or decision DH has about something.

Examples include:

  • currently sorting out car insurance. We share the car and the car is registered under my name. This time last year I was on maternity leave and so I was classed as "employed". I am now a SAHM and so the insurance is higher if I am the named driver. DH suggested we transfer the car to his name and make him the named driver as that makes the policy cheaper. And then if I go back to work next year, register the car in my name again and then make me the named driver. This would save a matter of £80ish a year. I do not think it's worth it.
  • our DD is 2. We are talking about different things we can do to save money for her. When talking about premium bonds, DH suggested we buy the maximum amount of premium bonds allowed. So far so good. And then if there are any winnings, to put them in a current account for DD so that "when she's 10, and wants to buy something like colouring pens, she can pay for it with that money". I'm sorry but, don't parents just pay for whatever their children need without putting it in a specific account for that child?
  • to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand
  • DH's one big dream is that DD gets into Oxbridge. DH said Oxbridge prefer state secondary schools and not private school students so DD should go to state school. I have no issues with DD going to state school but for that to be the single reason to send them is IMO a bit silly.

AIBU to feel a bit nonplussed by DH's thought processes or do they sound quite typical?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/04/2025 20:45

We have the dishwasher argument.

He washes by hand, l use the dishwasher. If he moans about washing by hand due to amount, l tell him to use the dishwasher.

We have a ‘stand off’

Julia001 · 15/04/2025 17:57

theculture · 14/04/2025 03:31

I kind of agree about the dishwasher - especially as my DH gets stressed if the plates aren’t rinsed before putting in!

You should never rinse the dishes , just scrape off the remnants , the sensors in the machine will not work correctly

NotVeryFunny · 15/04/2025 18:01

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:50

Thank you, I didn't realise registered keeper and main driver don't have to be the same! DH and I share the car so we probably do an equal amount of driving. I drive in the weekdays when DH is at work but if DH is home he will do the driving.

Show quote history

If you are driving 5 days a week, and your DH 2, then you are the main driver. It doesn’t matter if he clocks up more hours at the weekend. I know, I checked with my insurer about the same issue!

You MUST put the main driver down correctly. Not doing so is called fronting and is fraudulent. If you are unsure who your insurer would consider the main driver, check with them. Then you are covered.

As PPs have said, the registered owner and main driver are completely separate and don’t have to be the same.

The main driver and insurance policyholder can also be different. My DH is always the policyholder of our insurance and he accrues any no claims. For a long time, I was the main driver as I used the car to commute.

Your DH is wrong on every other point!

Single50something · 15/04/2025 18:33

Why are you changing the car insurance when you're on maternity leave? You're still doing the same job but on mat leave.
I never changed mine to sahm as I was still employed

latetothefisting · 15/04/2025 18:43

the only one that would potentially concern me is the oxbridge one - there's the possibility for a lot of pressure on your dd for something she might not be suited for/even want to do. I'd nip that in the bud.

re: the savings account sounds like you are opposite ends of a spectrum where most people would fall in the middle. i.e. yes most parents would buy their child colouring pencils at age ten and not expect them to get them themselves from their savings BUT equally it's pretty reasonable to expect a 15 year old who wants expensive trainers or high end make up to contribute themselves rather than a flat "don't parents just pay for whatever their children need."

the other two sound sensible to me!

TortolaParadise · 15/04/2025 18:46
  • to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand

100% agree with this!👏

BeRoseSloth · 15/04/2025 18:58

Hahabonk · 14/04/2025 07:11

Don’t put the money in premium bonds. Terrible idea, she’s vanishingly unlikely to win big, and other than that is getting no benefit. Put it in a stocks and shares ISA where it can nicely accumulate over the years. (I know this is not the point of that thread).

Premium Bonds with the max £50,000 investment is a good investment. Typical return is around 5% tax free.

Vynalbob · 15/04/2025 19:02

A) He can be named driver without ownership.

B) He's being a little weird.
C) Dishwasher - worth it imo. If it's not working or you don't do it on fast wash then perhaps not.
D) I think state school makes more rounded individuals but only if you get a decent one. The Oxbridge bit is kind of mixed, if you stand out or have wangled a good reference then it's a plus. It's much more complex though and does change a little every few years.

AnonbecauseIamlackinginspiration · 15/04/2025 19:10

Have never had a dishwasher, they’re a faff and smell.
I think the Oxbridge thing is a nuts and quite a privileged mindset. What if your DC wants to be a nurse or similar?
The pencils thing is weird but the concept might work for bigger items like a laptop etc.

Kittycat1969 · 15/04/2025 19:13

CheshireDing · 14/04/2025 06:37

You don't need to change the log book to be the main person on the insurance.

it only takes 90 seconds to unload our large dishwasher, can he wash the pots in 90 seconds (I timed it because DH was moaning)

Does that include the loading too? And there’s the time it takes to do the cycle? Include those and yes it is faster to wash up by hand unless you’ve made a 3 course meal for six people. Don’t get me wrong I love my dishwasher and wouldn’t be without it but not because it’s quicker because it isn’t lol. It cleans my dishes better than by hand and I hate to see things in the sink. Recently did my kitchen and didn’t even buy a sink with a drainer so I couldn’t leave things in it 😂

TeamMandrake · 15/04/2025 19:35

Your no claims bonus will expire if you go too long without insurance, so that may well be a false economy.

TryingToStayAwake88 · 15/04/2025 20:18

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:54

We do. We have a dishwasher and don't use it 😭DH is the main dish washer of the house (I tend to do the cooking and he cleans up/washes up).

The dishwasher cycle is about 3 hours and it obviously takes a lot less than 3 hours to wash some pots and pan by hand. But I think after work, time is precious and DH could easily do with more time than waste it on washing dishes.

Show quote history

Unless he sits and watches it for 3 hrs then it doesn't actually take that amount of time. I've got 3 under 4 so have to be quick doing everything and can unload and load the dishwasher in 12 minutes. That's a lot quicker than doing the dishes by hand

asrl78 · 15/04/2025 21:00

Pemba · 14/04/2025 04:07

He has come up with a few weird ideas, he's probably quite stubborn about it though! Sounds familiar.....

The car insurance, he might have a point there possibly.

Not sure about the Oxbridge thing, it certainly is cripplingly expensive to put a child through private education though. And if it could actually spoil their chances, well....

However, the saving Premium Bond wins for your daughter to use for future pocket money idea, nope. Get him right out of that way of thinking! Like you say, it's the job of the parents to supply what kids need. And also save for their future if you can manage it.

The dishwasher thing, no! How can it possibly be quicker to wash by hand if you're doing it properly? I feel it's safer to put things through the dishwasher, usually you get a better result and you don't end up with a sink full of dirty dishes waiting to be washed or a draining board full of clean dishes drying. Often I used to find the drainer got overloaded if there were a few saucepans in there, plus plates and dishes. Everything is hidden away in the dishwasher., much tidier. Also dishwashers are proven to use less energy.

Easy. A dishwasher if using the normal wash cycle takes a good hour to wash the dishes which doesn't include stacking and unloading at the beginning and the end. To wash the dishes by hand shouldn't take more than half an hour unless you are cooking a banquet for the entire family or live in Horsham*. I live alone and it takes me about 10 minutes max to wash up and I do get my dishes clean.

*In my experience of living there for over 20 years, it appears to be home to some of the world's slowest and most gormless people!

Imnotmartin · 15/04/2025 22:01

CheshireDing · 14/04/2025 06:37

You don't need to change the log book to be the main person on the insurance.

it only takes 90 seconds to unload our large dishwasher, can he wash the pots in 90 seconds (I timed it because DH was moaning)

This. Logbook is registered keeper, not owner or anything to do with insurance

Panterusblackish · 15/04/2025 22:05

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 14/04/2025 03:45

Wrt. Money- if you’re not earning I’m not sure you get to judge him saving £80. It may not seem a lot to you but he is the one who you and your dd are depending on.

nice problem to have, 50k spare to max out premium bonds. I also don’t think it’s a bad idea to give your child their own money and teach them about spending money and budgeting early on. So I’m with him there as well.

i hate washing by hand so not using a dishwasher is madness.

as for private school, surely that decision will be made as your child grows. If your child is genuinely bright enough for oxbridge then as long as state is half decent she’ll do as well there as private. If she’s not particularly academic chances are she won’t get the grades at state and private would be a better choice.

Disgusting attitude.

OP is working in the home and what her husband brings in is family money. She's gets just as much say. It's not the 1950s

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 15/04/2025 22:07

Save £80 on car insurance then loose value on the car when you sell it due to the additional owners it will attract. May not be such a good idea.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 15/04/2025 22:58

Single50something · 15/04/2025 18:33

Why are you changing the car insurance when you're on maternity leave? You're still doing the same job but on mat leave.
I never changed mine to sahm as I was still employed

I am not on maternity leave, I am unemployed and a SAHM.

OP posts:
Original poster
gollyimholly · 15/04/2025 23:01

latetothefisting · 15/04/2025 18:43

the only one that would potentially concern me is the oxbridge one - there's the possibility for a lot of pressure on your dd for something she might not be suited for/even want to do. I'd nip that in the bud.

re: the savings account sounds like you are opposite ends of a spectrum where most people would fall in the middle. i.e. yes most parents would buy their child colouring pencils at age ten and not expect them to get them themselves from their savings BUT equally it's pretty reasonable to expect a 15 year old who wants expensive trainers or high end make up to contribute themselves rather than a flat "don't parents just pay for whatever their children need."

the other two sound sensible to me!

I do agree with if DD is 15 and wants some sort of expensive/luxury item that the teenagers of the time are all wanting then it comes out of saved pocket money.

I specifically used the word "need" and not "want" as I do still believe parents should be responsible for buying their child's necessities and my intention of using the word "need" was to reference DD's necessities.

OP posts:
Harry12345 · 16/04/2025 09:57

Really odd to have an opinion on what university you want your child to go to especially so young. It’s their life and choice, I hope he doesn’t voice it to her as she’ll feel pressured and a let down if it doesn’t happen

CurlewKate · 16/04/2025 11:13

He’s wrong about the Oxbridge thing, by the way. Practically and psychologically.

RedPony1 · 16/04/2025 11:43

i can washup, dry and put away far faster than a dishwasher load, cycle and unload so i'm with him on that

pipthomson · 16/04/2025 20:01

Sounds like he may be on the A.S.D spectrum if only mildly

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/04/2025 20:32

RedPony1 · 16/04/2025 11:43

i can washup, dry and put away far faster than a dishwasher load, cycle and unload so i'm with him on that

Yeah but it’s mind numbing doing it. Washing up always made me feel like a drudge.

Dishwasher out of sight out of mind.

AprilShowers25 · 17/04/2025 10:20

dishwasher - don’t rinse! And use the faster cycle, the 3 hour one will be an eco setting, there should be other options which speed it up.

BoredZelda · 17/04/2025 10:28

The insurance one is a no-brainer, but you don’t need to be the registered owner to be the main driver. We have a car that we share equally, leased in my husbands name. We switch who is the main driver on it every year. This way we both build up our no-claims bonus. I had over 20 years NCB when we started to share a car, his was about 10. There is no way I was losing that, given we both drove the car equally. NCB is valid for two years so this works well for us and if we eventually need to go back to two cars, we’re not having one of us starting from scratch building it up.