FIL showing himself up - saddened by DH’s reaction

[SunnierDays21]

We are away with the family currently, DH’s parents have joined us (staying separately on the same site).

We’ve spent much of the afternoon in the on-site bar and DH and FIL were engrossed in the football results which were on the screen.

An advertisement came up for a women’s match tomorrow and DH asked FIL if he’d want to watch it. The conversation went something like this:

DH - fancy it tomorrow, Dad?
FIL - hahaha
DH - seriously
FIL - why would I spend my Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of fat lezza’s pretend to know how to play football?
DH - it’s come on quite a bit
FIL - do me a favour, I’ve seen women’s footballers and I’d not touch them with a barge pole
DH - alright, you have a point

Our daughter has been getting into football over the past few months and this was really disheartening to listen to. I have brought it up with DH and he says he agrees it was inappropriate but his Dad is of a different era and anything he’d tell him would fall on deaf ears.

AIBU to have expected DH to have said something in the moment?

Of course you’re not unreasonable to have expected him to. This is something to challenge literally every time, no ,after how dull it gets doing it. It’s also one of the situations where another man challenging is often more powerful to this kind of old school misogynist. I hope you said something when he didn’t.

It sounds like typical laddish conversation in a pub after a few beers.

Is it right? No.

But I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, it sounds like your DH was embarrassed and it isn’t his fault his Dad has blinkered views like that.

I think theres a time and a place to challenge this thinking and on holiday,after a couple of drinks, isn’t it.

This.

Your h let his daughter down there. His dad has a point?! bloody hell. I'd go mad.

Your not being unreasonable, and the shite response of "dad is from a different era is a complete cop out !!
Hope he will say something if his dad starts to have a pop at your daughter for playing football

Damn! Of course YNBU. He's a sexist, homophobic dinosaur and your DH should have pulled him up on it.

Accidentally voted the wrong way and the app won't let me change my vote.

My DH has given up challenging my FIL on crap like this because FIL is a nasty twat and we’ve realised that nothing is going to change that, so we are as low contact as possible.

I’d have fucking wiped the floor with DH though for saying “alright, you have a point”.

There’s challenging, and then there’s full on agreeing with him. What a fucking wet wipe your DH is.

Yes his dad might be from another era - how old are we talking? But that doesn’t mean your DH shouldn’t pull him up and tell him it’s unacceptable.

Age is no excuse for ignorance

Mid/late 60’s

It’s not even that the DH didn’t pull him up - the DH actively agreed with him…

”DH: alright, you have a point”

I’m nearly 60 and his language and attitude is very outdated for someone of his age.

I thought he was maybe in his 80’s to speak like that.

Maybe dh just allowed himself to diffuse a situation instead of calling out a man who had been drinking and who's company you all can't escape mid holiday....
Maybe pick up your displeasure when you get home...

Of a different era so he's had all that time to learn not be a misogynistic dickhead. If he's not challenged he'll never learn

Not so long ago, the concept of a group of males watching women’s football (or rugby) on tv didn’t exist. Very few men could name a female footballer. It’s therefore good that it’s on the table as a viable option for passing an afternoon these days. But there is still a long way to go and it’s disappointing that your husband wasn’t a bit more forthright tbh, although I get that no one wants a bad atmosphere on holiday.

I would absolutely expect him to challenge not only homophobia but also the suggestion that women are only of interest or worth anything if they are “fuckable” to a man.

What utterly disgusting behaviour. Quite had this been me I would have pulled him up on it if l DH didn’t.

Elderly MIL regularly talks about the “nice coloured carers”, I challenge gently every time. I’d be challenging your FIL much more robustly. What he’s saying is grossly offensive.

Jesus that's hardly a different era, I was thinking you were talking about a much older man although I think its disgusting and not an excuse either way.

But people in their 60s are quite often still working and socialising so he does know better hes just choosing not to be better.

My Ddad is almost 80 and wouldn’t come out with misogynist homophobic shite.

I would have told him he was absolutely disgusting myself and not expected DH to do it. I would have expected DH to back me up though

I think theres a time and a place to challenge this thinking and on holiday,after a couple of drinks, isn’t it

Yep

I also prefer to watch men’s football to women’s and am female. However he could have just said no thanks. I’m not sure what fat and lesbian have to do with women’s football?!

Given that you were there and heard the conversation, and it was important to you, any reason why you didn't pull your father in law up on it?

I'd imagine that your husband didn't see any point in creating an atmosphere with an argument that he knew wouldn't change his father's opinions, when you're all going to be stuck together for the next week.

I can see why you wish he had said something.
I also know by experience that you as the (adult) child saying something is likely to have zero effect - all down to the family dynamics so I can also see his point.
(As an example, I’ve told many many times my mum that she keeps interrupting me. It was brushed off until ds told her in no uncertain terms he wouldn’t participate to the conversation because she doesn’t listen. My mum listened to him and is much more careful….)

I would totally draw the line at FIL saying that in front of your dd though. And I think you need a chat with your dh about it.

I’d be spending less and less time around FIL, and also limiting the amount of time my children spent around him.

Your DH knows his dad, so he was foolish to even bring up the option of watching the women’s game, let alone end the convo with ‘suppose you’re right’ .

as a PP said - pick the time for the battles and reduce contact. Holidaying with someone with views like this (and I’m sure he has more) is something I’d put a stop to.