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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL showing himself up - saddened by DH’s reaction

238 replies

SunnierDays21 · 12/04/2025 18:22

We are away with the family currently, DH’s parents have joined us (staying separately on the same site).

We’ve spent much of the afternoon in the on-site bar and DH and FIL were engrossed in the football results which were on the screen.

An advertisement came up for a women’s match tomorrow and DH asked FIL if he’d want to watch it. The conversation went something like this:

DH - fancy it tomorrow, Dad?
FIL - hahaha
DH - seriously
FIL - why would I spend my Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of fat lezza’s pretend to know how to play football?
DH - it’s come on quite a bit
FIL - do me a favour, I’ve seen women’s footballers and I’d not touch them with a barge pole
DH - alright, you have a point

Our daughter has been getting into football over the past few months and this was really disheartening to listen to. I have brought it up with DH and he says he agrees it was inappropriate but his Dad is of a different era and anything he’d tell him would fall on deaf ears.

AIBU to have expected DH to have said something in the moment?

OP posts:
ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 19:28

He can't change his dad and there's no point in starting WW III over it. His dad doesn't like women's football. He's missing out, but that's his prerogative.

But in your DH's shoes, I wouldn't have conceded that he had a point. That would have annoyed me, even without a DD who's into football. If I was your DH, I would have said instead at the end, "Well, I like it' and then dropped it. And I would have watched the match.

FIL is of his era and a lost cause, but it's very disappointing that your DH conceded his point. He didn't need to do that.

PishPish · 12/04/2025 19:29

Many of the responses on this thread are considerably more alarming than the FIL’s original comment. Still, I suppose the extent of the internalised misogyny explains in part why the bar for male behaviour is often so low on here.

stclementine · 12/04/2025 19:29

UnctuousUnicorns · 12/04/2025 19:05

What an idiot. My dad is 83, and has declared that he actually prefers watching women's football over men's, due to the absence of pitch histrionics when a player receives so much as a tap (cue rolling around on the ground in "agony"). He says there's none of that nonsense with the women's game, and it's all the all the better for it. My dad watches women's cricket too. He just enjoys watching sport, whoever's playing.

My dad is 81 and says the same. He also watches women’s rugby and cricket. He’s not perfect (he asks me what I’m cooking for dinner even when my brother is doing it - which he does frequently) but has some level,of enlightenment.

LittleCharlotte · 12/04/2025 19:31

Your husband should have spoken up and I'd be hideously disappointed in him, and his FIL. It's especially sad that the children heard this and didn't hear their father sticking up for women's football.

Lucyccfc68 · 12/04/2025 19:31

vandelier · 12/04/2025 19:07

Oh give it a rest, you're on holiday. Save up your anger for when you get home and then let both of them have it with both barrels between the eyes.

It might annoy all of us women, but the reality is a lot of men have zero interest in ladies football. That doesn't mean they should insult or denigrate the players though.

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO. Will only lead to a difficult atmosphere. Neither of them were personally insulting to you or your footballing daughter. I don't excuse it but it's lad talk, and unless you want to cause WW3, keep it light and airy for now.

So in other words, be a good, little, well-behaved woman and shut up????

There is ALWAYS time to have a feminist view and I would have challenged my FIL if he had come out with that shite. I would also be questioning why my DH was sat in a bar, getting pissed and watching football when he was on holiday and could have been spending time with his daughter (maybe playing football).

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:31

On women's empowerment - stupid things like trying to compete with men in football, boxing, weightlifting, etc. is a road to nowhere. Real empowerment is when you try to compete with men where it counts - most competitive university courses in real subjects (STEM), in a political race for an MP place, in the corporate boardroom, in real life.

BornSandyDevotional · 12/04/2025 19:32

FIL. With his homoerotic Kevin Keegan and Georgie Best posters!

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 19:34

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:31

On women's empowerment - stupid things like trying to compete with men in football, boxing, weightlifting, etc. is a road to nowhere. Real empowerment is when you try to compete with men where it counts - most competitive university courses in real subjects (STEM), in a political race for an MP place, in the corporate boardroom, in real life.

I really really hope you don't tell your daughters that, or even your sons.

And the only time women try to "compete" with men in the sports you mention is when mediocre men masquerade as women to try and win.

PishPish · 12/04/2025 19:34

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:31

On women's empowerment - stupid things like trying to compete with men in football, boxing, weightlifting, etc. is a road to nowhere. Real empowerment is when you try to compete with men where it counts - most competitive university courses in real subjects (STEM), in a political race for an MP place, in the corporate boardroom, in real life.

You get that women play sports in separate leagues, right? Youth football is mixed up till under-14 around here, when it splits to single sex. You seem quite confused about how the world works in general.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/04/2025 19:34

‘Alright you have a point’?! FFS!

RedToothBrush · 12/04/2025 19:37

Your DH could have said this to his father IF it was just his father.

In the presence of his daughter he's a grade A dick and there's no excuses.

I am a pragmatist and understand that sometimes it's just not worth the argument. But with his daughter there who will be sensitive to this he needs to understand his audience and that his dad could suck it up but his daughter needed him to fight her corner

The fact he didn't says a lot and none of it is good.

BornSandyDevotional · 12/04/2025 19:39

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:31

On women's empowerment - stupid things like trying to compete with men in football, boxing, weightlifting, etc. is a road to nowhere. Real empowerment is when you try to compete with men where it counts - most competitive university courses in real subjects (STEM), in a political race for an MP place, in the corporate boardroom, in real life.

You realise that England's women are European Championship winners? It's not mixed teams! 😂

Brefugee · 12/04/2025 19:39

there are 2 things here for me. If i had been there i would have told FIL to fuck the fuck off with his stupid misogynistic attitude, and that i didn't want to see his face around my holiday any more.

I would have been separately incandescent at my DH for not challenging it. And that i don't want to see him either until i have cooled down.

ThatNimblePeer · 12/04/2025 19:43

I’m guessing your FIL feels bitter and threatened that there are women who made it as professional footballers, and get to play football for a living, while his manly ass didn’t

To which all I can say is

Hahahahaha

Ahahahahahaha

Brefugee · 12/04/2025 19:43

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO

no. that is such a load of tripe @vandelier I can't even begin to fathom why you would hold such a bizarre viewpoint.

diddl · 12/04/2025 19:43

FIL is of his era and a lost cause

Well he's certainly a lost cause.

pictoosh · 12/04/2025 19:45

Brefugee · 12/04/2025 19:39

there are 2 things here for me. If i had been there i would have told FIL to fuck the fuck off with his stupid misogynistic attitude, and that i didn't want to see his face around my holiday any more.

I would have been separately incandescent at my DH for not challenging it. And that i don't want to see him either until i have cooled down.

Course you would.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 19:45

diddl · 12/04/2025 19:43

FIL is of his era and a lost cause

Well he's certainly a lost cause.

I don't advocate trying to change his opinion, just telling him he's an arsehole.

Sidebeforeself · 12/04/2025 19:46

Interesting that some posters are unhappy with the FILs comment (rightly so) but have no problem with the ageism on this thread

Brefugee · 12/04/2025 19:46

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:24

Your FIL is entitled to his opinion. Some sports are not for women, some sports are not for men. Surely those who have eyes, will see it. I was in a local branch of NatWest the other day and they ran adverts of an obese Olympic female athlete weightlifting, GB team. As a woman, I wanted to hug that poor lady and cry and tell her - think of uterine prolapse and hernias!
Equally, I was horrified when I saw male rhythmic gymnastics competitions - they looked as if they were taking the piss of this beautiful discipline.
Horses for courses, as the saying goes.

it is fine not to want to watch any sport for any reason.

When you articulate that reason as not wanting to watch "fat lezzers" because you don't fancy them - you get the both gloves off straight talking answer from me.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 12/04/2025 19:48

diddl · 12/04/2025 19:18

So FIL refers to the players as "fat lezzas" & all your husband can say is "it's come on quite a bit"?

And to "I'd not touch them with a bargepole" "you have a point"?

Wtaf is wrong with your husband?

This. Why are you letting it go? And why are people agreeing you should let it go? I'm mid 60s, any man around me spoke like that he'd have to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Ihopeyouhavent · 12/04/2025 19:49

Dont agree with the " fat lezza" comment, thats nasty, but most men wont watch women playing football.

Its of a far lesser quality and the commentary is just awful.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 19:50

FIl could just have said "not my cuppa" he didn't need to be so offensive.

meganorks · 12/04/2025 19:51

Just from this snippet your FIL sounds like the sort of person who is always right. And from experience I can say that such a person is never likely to change their mind, back down or apologise for the narrow minded views. So challenging them is likely to make them dig in harder and go on and on about of hours on end and make it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

It sounds like your DH did push back a little and then thought, you know what, let's just stop talking about it. Personally I think he did the right thing.

Ihopeyouhavent · 12/04/2025 19:51

ThatNimblePeer · 12/04/2025 19:43

I’m guessing your FIL feels bitter and threatened that there are women who made it as professional footballers, and get to play football for a living, while his manly ass didn’t

To which all I can say is

Hahahahaha

Ahahahahahaha

seriously?!