FIL showing himself up - saddened by DH’s reaction

[SunnierDays21]

We are away with the family currently, DH’s parents have joined us (staying separately on the same site).

We’ve spent much of the afternoon in the on-site bar and DH and FIL were engrossed in the football results which were on the screen.

An advertisement came up for a women’s match tomorrow and DH asked FIL if he’d want to watch it. The conversation went something like this:

DH - fancy it tomorrow, Dad?
FIL - hahaha
DH - seriously
FIL - why would I spend my Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of fat lezza’s pretend to know how to play football?
DH - it’s come on quite a bit
FIL - do me a favour, I’ve seen women’s footballers and I’d not touch them with a barge pole
DH - alright, you have a point

Our daughter has been getting into football over the past few months and this was really disheartening to listen to. I have brought it up with DH and he says he agrees it was inappropriate but his Dad is of a different era and anything he’d tell him would fall on deaf ears.

AIBU to have expected DH to have said something in the moment?

FIL is early 60s? My DH is 72 and would never bloody dream of saying such things. I honestly could not imagine such words coming out of his mouth.

Mid/late 60s? that’s not generational. I have male friends and relatives who are 75+ who are nothing like this! Your FIL is just a misogynist areshole.

Lucky
Either way, it doesn't reflect well just like your other posts

and did you say "meh i don't want to watch a load of fag female impersonators"?
not the same thing at all, is it?

Why didn't you pull up your FIL in the moment? I think it's is unreasonable to expect your dh when you didn't do it.

Lol the England women did better than the men
Hardly dire.

Having an opinion is all well and good but, in the OP’s case, the expressed opinion of the FIL ( and, worse, the agreement of the DH) has the potential to directly affect their DD who is interested in playing football. Doesn’t that matter?

My grandad was born in 1916 and would never have said anything like that. He was a wonderful man who encouraged all of his granddaughters to follow their dreams. He would have been cheering from the sidelines if we were playing in a football match. It’s not your FIL’s age OP it’s just him. He’s an ignorant misogynist and so is your DH for agreeing with him. That was actually a vile conversation. Having a daughter, I couldn’t look either of them in the eye knowing thats how they feel about women.

I think it's perfectly reasonable when it's not ops parent. Also as much as it shouldn't be - misogyny is often better challenged by men because it can't be dismissed by the speaker being a woman. Plus would have shown ops dd that not all men think the same way so she shouldn't think that's normal or that it's only the job of women to call it out.

In most couples I know, any tricky comvos that need to be had with in laws are had by the person who's parents they are.

You don’t watch anything unless you find the people in it attractive?

I don't agree
I think sometimes it takes someone slightly removed from the family to see how very wrong things are
OP's H has probably heard this sort of talk all his life and its been normalised. Sometimes it needs an "outsider" to point out how F'd up things are

I see your point.

However, in some families it is easier for outsiders to challenge this shitty kind of behaviour. And I still don't understand why the op didn't pull them both up on this? It needed to be challenged. I would have hoped that if she had said something it would have woken her DH up to the shit his dad was chatting and resulted in him challenging his dad in the moment.

Your DH should definitely have challenged his dad's overt homophobia, misogyny and sexism, particularly as he has a daughter who is playing football.

The fact that he told his dad that he had a point was disgusting. Early 60s would mean that FIL was born in the 1960s and would have grown up during the 70s and 80s when social attitudes were changing and prejudiced views like your FIL's became unacceptable.

Sounds like DH had felt he'd had a good bonding day with his dad and was trying to offer the same tomorrow. It did sound like he at least tried to push back a bit, and other than continuing to try and insist he thought his dad was in the wrong. It was clearly a conversation going nowhere.

DH should ask DD if she wants to watch it instead? At least they could have a nice afternoon together if she wants to watch.

This 'different era' stuff is just lazy bullshit, my dad's in his eighties and wouldn't dream of it - its all an excuse to be misogynistic, your dh needs to stop giving him a pass.

Women's football is much slower paced and if you're DFIL had said something reasonable to explain that or something similar to say why it wasn't his preference - not a problem.
The real issue is that he is just a common, rough type. I prefer to not be in the same room as men/people like that, let alone holiday with them.
No point challenging people like this. A thoughtful, considerate person capable of taking on board feedback and correcting their behaviour wouldn't be so crass in the first place - so catch 22! And if you pull him up on it you know he will make it all about how oversensitive you are 🙄
Avoid him as much as possible going forward would be my policy.

My late FIL, who had a sexist attitude to most things tbh, appreciated the skill in the women's game and appreciated the fact it was slower as the skill was much more evident rather than sheer power. See also womens tennis and cricket.

Your FIL sounds like a total prick.

You have come across so, so poorly on this thread. 😬

So… by that logic, he watches the men’s football because he’d like a piece of them…?

even if he didn't want to pull him up or say something, the bare minimum he could have done is not agreed with him!

He could have just said 'Okay,' or changed the subject, not essentially told FIL he was so convincing he'd changed DH's own mind and now thought his own daughter was a "fat lezza" who only "pretends" to know how to do the hobby she's invested in. Grim.

The same age as my husband he would never say anything like that and neither would our male friends of that age. Age is not an excuse. Not all 60- men live in the 1950s!
Your husband should have challenged him. At least he should have told him that his granddaughter plays football.

Your DH agreed his father had a point so is as bad as he is.

I'd say you were all a bit pissed after a long daytime session in the pub. That's how rows and fights start. Don't turn into a dartboard for the sake of it.

I'd be more concerned that the young one was in the pub with you. Nothing else to do in Benidorm I suppose. 😊

This is ridiculous 😀

Personally I think he tried and gave up- I’d be the same with someone who put it so grotesquely- it was only going to end in a big long conversation with no resulting change