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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL showing himself up - saddened by DH’s reaction

238 replies

SunnierDays21 · 12/04/2025 18:22

We are away with the family currently, DH’s parents have joined us (staying separately on the same site).

We’ve spent much of the afternoon in the on-site bar and DH and FIL were engrossed in the football results which were on the screen.

An advertisement came up for a women’s match tomorrow and DH asked FIL if he’d want to watch it. The conversation went something like this:

DH - fancy it tomorrow, Dad?
FIL - hahaha
DH - seriously
FIL - why would I spend my Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of fat lezza’s pretend to know how to play football?
DH - it’s come on quite a bit
FIL - do me a favour, I’ve seen women’s footballers and I’d not touch them with a barge pole
DH - alright, you have a point

Our daughter has been getting into football over the past few months and this was really disheartening to listen to. I have brought it up with DH and he says he agrees it was inappropriate but his Dad is of a different era and anything he’d tell him would fall on deaf ears.

AIBU to have expected DH to have said something in the moment?

OP posts:
UnctuousUnicorns · 12/04/2025 19:05

What an idiot. My dad is 83, and has declared that he actually prefers watching women's football over men's, due to the absence of pitch histrionics when a player receives so much as a tap (cue rolling around on the ground in "agony"). He says there's none of that nonsense with the women's game, and it's all the all the better for it. My dad watches women's cricket too. He just enjoys watching sport, whoever's playing.

pictoosh · 12/04/2025 19:07

I think your dh can conduct his own relationship with his dad, don't you?
Would his dad have taken it on board? Unlikely.
Is it worth bad feeling on holiday? No.

vandelier · 12/04/2025 19:07

Oh give it a rest, you're on holiday. Save up your anger for when you get home and then let both of them have it with both barrels between the eyes.

It might annoy all of us women, but the reality is a lot of men have zero interest in ladies football. That doesn't mean they should insult or denigrate the players though.

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO. Will only lead to a difficult atmosphere. Neither of them were personally insulting to you or your footballing daughter. I don't excuse it but it's lad talk, and unless you want to cause WW3, keep it light and airy for now.

godmum56 · 12/04/2025 19:13

pictoosh · 12/04/2025 19:07

I think your dh can conduct his own relationship with his dad, don't you?
Would his dad have taken it on board? Unlikely.
Is it worth bad feeling on holiday? No.

I think a father shouldn't be normalising this crap in front of his children.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 19:14

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO

There is never a time NOT to have a feminist view IMO

HardyKoala · 12/04/2025 19:14

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO

what the hell have I just read. And on a female forum. Fucking appalling

godmum56 · 12/04/2025 19:16

vandelier · 12/04/2025 19:07

Oh give it a rest, you're on holiday. Save up your anger for when you get home and then let both of them have it with both barrels between the eyes.

It might annoy all of us women, but the reality is a lot of men have zero interest in ladies football. That doesn't mean they should insult or denigrate the players though.

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO. Will only lead to a difficult atmosphere. Neither of them were personally insulting to you or your footballing daughter. I don't excuse it but it's lad talk, and unless you want to cause WW3, keep it light and airy for now.

oh I'd start WW3 if needed. The word with husband would have been later and in private but at the time I'd be telling my kids that "your grandfather says rude and stupid things" If it hadn't been in front of the kids I might have dealt with it differently.

EggandStress · 12/04/2025 19:17

What era is the FIL from? I’m always fascinated when people say that.

diddl · 12/04/2025 19:18

So FIL refers to the players as "fat lezzas" & all your husband can say is "it's come on quite a bit"?

And to "I'd not touch them with a bargepole" "you have a point"?

Wtaf is wrong with your husband?

Lorlorlorikeet · 12/04/2025 19:19

It’s a fucking disgusting mindset, and it’s horribly common among hard-of-thinking scummy men. Who couldn’t play football decently if their fat lives depended on it.
And unfortunately there’s plenty of them knocking around, especially in your family would seem. Sorry OP.

KnewYearKnewMe · 12/04/2025 19:19

vandelier · 12/04/2025 19:07

Oh give it a rest, you're on holiday. Save up your anger for when you get home and then let both of them have it with both barrels between the eyes.

It might annoy all of us women, but the reality is a lot of men have zero interest in ladies football. That doesn't mean they should insult or denigrate the players though.

There's a time to have a feminist view and on holiday where the drinks are flowing is not the right time IMO. Will only lead to a difficult atmosphere. Neither of them were personally insulting to you or your footballing daughter. I don't excuse it but it's lad talk, and unless you want to cause WW3, keep it light and airy for now.

‘Keep it light and airy’?

Jeez… low standards.

vandelier · 12/04/2025 19:19

Gosh, some of you are very argumentative and can't wait to have a bloody good row. Feminists should know better than to try and emulate boorish men anyway.

Malbecfan · 12/04/2025 19:20

My DF is 90 and loves watching women's matches on TV because they don't play act the way the men do. Your FIL is a dinosaur.

DD2 and I are heading to a women's match tomorrow after watching the same club's men's team today. We really enjoy both - there are more people at the men's match so the atmosphere is banging, but the women's match is cheaper and friendlier with no less skill.

MrsCastle · 12/04/2025 19:23

I don’t think it’s a generation thing - it’s a mysogeny thing

plenty of men in their 90s wouldn’t refer to women like this

godmum56 · 12/04/2025 19:23

EggandStress · 12/04/2025 19:17

What era is the FIL from? I’m always fascinated when people say that.

OP said in his 60's

StrangerThings1 · 12/04/2025 19:23

SunnierDays21 · 12/04/2025 18:22

We are away with the family currently, DH’s parents have joined us (staying separately on the same site).

We’ve spent much of the afternoon in the on-site bar and DH and FIL were engrossed in the football results which were on the screen.

An advertisement came up for a women’s match tomorrow and DH asked FIL if he’d want to watch it. The conversation went something like this:

DH - fancy it tomorrow, Dad?
FIL - hahaha
DH - seriously
FIL - why would I spend my Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of fat lezza’s pretend to know how to play football?
DH - it’s come on quite a bit
FIL - do me a favour, I’ve seen women’s footballers and I’d not touch them with a barge pole
DH - alright, you have a point

Our daughter has been getting into football over the past few months and this was really disheartening to listen to. I have brought it up with DH and he says he agrees it was inappropriate but his Dad is of a different era and anything he’d tell him would fall on deaf ears.

AIBU to have expected DH to have said something in the moment?

Pretty pointless saying something to a man like that, it wouldn’t sink in and he is unlikely to change
What a horrible creature, I presume You have heard a lot of idiotic nonsense come out of his mouth over the years though?

Women's football has become extremely popular in recent years

StrangerThings1 · 12/04/2025 19:23

MrsCastle · 12/04/2025 19:23

I don’t think it’s a generation thing - it’s a mysogeny thing

plenty of men in their 90s wouldn’t refer to women like this

Agree

BornSandyDevotional · 12/04/2025 19:23

Your husband saying: 'It's come on quite a bit' is the worst thing about this, frankly.

He's basically saying that women's football was full of 'fat lesbians' previously until - presumably - a load of fat old men told 'the girls' how to play better and let some better looking birds in.

I played football at a relatively high level in the early 90s.

I was making up the numbers - frankly - because I had virtually no skill.

I was just quick. Because, like everyone else I played with, I was athletic, dedicated and committed to the game.

I was just a 1500 metre runner and a swimmer with brothers!

If players were fat and out of condition, they couldn't last 90 minutes.

Do the men in your family fancy a kick about?

The very idea that a player's sexuality is an issue, is awful. In either the men's or women's game.

Do they admire the virulently hetro-sexual Kyle Walker?

godmum56 · 12/04/2025 19:24

MrsCastle · 12/04/2025 19:23

I don’t think it’s a generation thing - it’s a mysogeny thing

plenty of men in their 90s wouldn’t refer to women like this

I absolutely agree.

Streaaa · 12/04/2025 19:24

Mid 60's?
Nope, he's just a misogynistic twat.
My husband is that age and wouldn't dream of denigrating women's sports of any sort.
He has too much respect for women and his daughters who play sports well.
He has taken our daughters to hockey, tennis tournaments, and soccer over the years.

I can kind of understand your husband not being arsed in the moment if he has grown up listening to such views, .......but I wouldn't want such a pig and his views around my children,........ and I certainly wouldn't tolerate such disgusting views being expressed around me or my children and I would be telling my husband that in your shoes.

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:24

Your FIL is entitled to his opinion. Some sports are not for women, some sports are not for men. Surely those who have eyes, will see it. I was in a local branch of NatWest the other day and they ran adverts of an obese Olympic female athlete weightlifting, GB team. As a woman, I wanted to hug that poor lady and cry and tell her - think of uterine prolapse and hernias!
Equally, I was horrified when I saw male rhythmic gymnastics competitions - they looked as if they were taking the piss of this beautiful discipline.
Horses for courses, as the saying goes.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 19:25

vandelier · 12/04/2025 19:19

Gosh, some of you are very argumentative and can't wait to have a bloody good row. Feminists should know better than to try and emulate boorish men anyway.

Yeah, maybe we should just keep quiet for fear of upsetting fucking awful men?
I am not advocating OP shouting and ranting at anyone but she doesn't have to sit there waiting for her H to speak either.
I would have told FIL his attitude and language were disgusting and I didn't want to be in the same room as him and left
Any fall out and awkwardness would be firmly on him

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 19:26

Hwi · 12/04/2025 19:24

Your FIL is entitled to his opinion. Some sports are not for women, some sports are not for men. Surely those who have eyes, will see it. I was in a local branch of NatWest the other day and they ran adverts of an obese Olympic female athlete weightlifting, GB team. As a woman, I wanted to hug that poor lady and cry and tell her - think of uterine prolapse and hernias!
Equally, I was horrified when I saw male rhythmic gymnastics competitions - they looked as if they were taking the piss of this beautiful discipline.
Horses for courses, as the saying goes.

WTF did I just read?

PishPish · 12/04/2025 19:26

SunnierDays21 · 12/04/2025 18:43

Mid/late 60’s

Show quote history

That’s no excuse, then. My FIL is in his early 80s, from a laddish background and retired from a very laddish work world, and obsessive about football, (as is MIL, and DH), and will definitely watch women’s football with respectful interest. My BIL likes to refer to some elite US women’s team who lost to Wrexham or something, but at least he isn’t labouring under any delusions about their sexuality or appearance.

godmum56 · 12/04/2025 19:27

StrangerThings1 · 12/04/2025 19:23

Pretty pointless saying something to a man like that, it wouldn’t sink in and he is unlikely to change
What a horrible creature, I presume You have heard a lot of idiotic nonsense come out of his mouth over the years though?

Women's football has become extremely popular in recent years

Show quote history

I don't think I'd say it expecting the FIL to change, although I'd be expecting the father to think on. It was said in front of children (or was it? I just read back)

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