CF or am I being ungrateful?

[Showerflowers]

So SIL is very wealthy. Lives a good few hours from us and we rarely see her and her dh. Sil owns a holiday home by the coast. She doesn’t allow anyone (friends or family) to stay in the holiday home. Family have asked and offered to pay but she likes the place for herself only. Fair enough I suppose.

she bought the home just before lockdown. Then headed there as soon as she could. So was based mainly there for 18 months. But in the last few years she’s actually barely been there. Just twice last year for a week at a time but moaned that she’d spent all her time there catching up with maintenance of the house and garden . I’m not surprised if it’s empty for 50 weeks of the year.

she’s rang us this week offering us a free week in the house in may. DH jumped at the chance and said yes before asking me. And initially I was thrilled too, moneys tight. We’d love to take our grandchildren who won’t get a holiday this year. But then I realised we are being used.

Sil has not been to the house since late September last year. She’s asked DH to tidy the garden for her while he’s there. Wants me to give the place a good air out and dust etc. I asked when she would be going down next. She’s arriving there a few days after we leave.

I'm not being daft here am I? She literally wants us to go down there and make the place nice for when she arrives doesn’t she!. DH thinks it’s a small price to pay for a free holiday. But I think he’s underestimating how much work probably needs doing. I now don’t want to go.

am I being ungrateful here lol

I don't think it's a bad deal really to get a free holiday 🤷‍♀️ even if your DH spends 2 days in the garden and you spend those days dusting etc

I think it depends on expectations. For e.g. if the lawn is 3 foot tall and needs strimming before the lawnmower will touch it... if the house is covered in 6 months of dust... if the kitchen needs a deep clean, etc etc. Will SIL expect it all to be done, and to what standard? If it took her two weeks last year, OP and her DH are not going to make much of a dent in it if they actually want to enjoy any part of the goliday. Slogging away doing someone else's DIY and deep cleaning isn't my idea of a holiday, I have enough of my own to do at home thank you very much!

Plus... if no-one's been in since September, what happens if OP gets there and finds something major? There was a near-hurricane in January, worst case is some roof tiles were blown off and the roof's been leaking ever since. That specific eventually is probably unlikely, but who's to say what's waiting for OP when she gets there. Not worth it for a few days away, imo.

I think that’s very fair of them , a few hours work for a weeks stay.

I think you are being ungrateful , if you don’t want to clean you can pay a one time fee probably around £100 for someone to give it a deep clean after you leave maybe ? How much would that house cost to let in airbnb as an example ?

Honestly, my first thought was to get a cleaner in for a few hours. Assume that it was clean when she left so it's literally a matter of cleaning/dusting (quite a lot of) surfaces, changing sheets etc. It would be done so much quicker by a professional, and you could get a lovely week's holiday for £100 or whatever basically.

Same for the garden, depending on what needs doing. If it's just a matter of cutting things back, check the local FB groups to the house and see if there's someone who will be able to spend a few hours doing that. It will be worth the money for your DH to not have to do it.

I absolutely agree that she's being very strange with this offer, though, given that she's never invited you there before. I'd be inclined to put the money aside for the services and make the most of your week there. Maybe even see if she doesn't mind if you get there a few days early to get the work done on it first 😁

Why isn't she just paying to get cleaners and gardeners in? I'd want to know how much work she expects. Do you want to be her cleaner and gardener?

I wouldn't want to put my family in that position.

She should have been upfront. She's not offering you a free holiday, which is fine, but she's trying to present it as such.

I would have felt much better if she'd said "I have a problem you might be able to help me with and we both win."

It’s definitely using you to prepare the holiday place for SIL.
Can you thank her and say you are not free until a later date? She’s offered so should not be a date written in stone.

I had a friend like that. Dressed as a bountiful offer and thrown up if questioned. Users.

Remember, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

For me it would depend on how far I could distance myself emotionally from her request. You're basically bring offered a house-sitting job, not a favour or a nice gift. If you were doing this for a stranger it would probably be fine. But it's being dressed up as something else by a relative. If you can put that aside, go and enjoy yourself, and maybe do get in a cleaner! If you can't, then talk to hubby about it and see what options are possible, given he's already said yes.

So would I, I don't think it is that cheeky actually, it seems fair enough to me.

But its only fair if they are honest and upfront.

This "Would you like to go there for a holiday" "Yes please" "Great, while you are there will you clean the house and sort out the garden!", is very much along the lines of someone asking if you are busy on Friday, you say no thinking of a night out and they want you to babysit! They make you say yes before they pull the real reason for asking when you cant make an excuse to not go.

And the fact that they are treating the OP and her husband like paupers who should be grateful to do the jobs she doesnt want to do, and isnt prepared to pay someone else to do, in order to get a week by the sea. Its so patronising its unreal!

She should either visit more often and treat it like an actual home, or pay a caretaker, or do it herself. Not act like lady bountiful by allowing them to clear up after her neglect of the place.

Tell her unfortunately you can’t make it in May, but would she mind if you took your free week in July instead?!

😂😂😂

I don’t see the issue. She’s not being a cheeky fucker or using you - she made an offer you were free to decline, and was upfront about it being a trade.

But it’s not a gift, is it? It doesn’t sound like she presented it as one either.

I think it is quite cheeky. They refused at the start, now only offering so they don't have to maintain. Shouldn't do that to family.

A spot of dusting and an air out sound too tough?!?
if someone let me use their holiday cottage for free, I would get them a nice gift and definitely make sure the place was clean when I was leaving anyway.
OP just sounds like she thinks she should get something for nothing, if you don’t like what you’ve been asked to do then don’t go . If were your SIL and saw this thread I’d have rescinded this offer already

I think YABU because the wording in your posts make it clear that you are annoyed that they don't let other people use their own holiday home. It's not up to you to count how many times she uses her own holiday home or judge her for not using it.

I think I'm more on SIL side becausw my parents have one and 9 times out of 10 when they let someone use it its a really sunny weekend and they'd drop anything to have it so I totally get why she doesn't. And one time they let a distant relative use it, they didn't turn off the water properly and parts got flooded and had to be redone.

Bugger that! You are not a servant! This is insulting. I don't understand why people set so much store by 'going on holiday'. So many things you can do with your gc in your own house/flat. So many opportunities for a 'staycation'. Why is this Gadarene rush with holidays?

I agree with the 'get a cleaner' suggestions.
And a quick 'gardener' visit to mow the lawn and tidy up and bushes.

And then enjoy the week.

I did the housework—well, I spring-cleaned a home I used for a week by the sea (me + two boys, ages 8 and 10); however, the house was being lived in until the week before by the owner. A house empty for 6 months will be cold and dusty and need a day to air and dust. Beds left made for six months will be dusty. You are being used. I'd ask for a list of tasks now, then decide if you want to do them; otherwise, as a previous poster said, " whatever you do, it won't be enough. Saying all this, I think you are both CFers. You for expecting a freebie, them for offering you a week without making it clear they want the house cleaning/airing to save them chores for their holiday

Why would a wealthy person make a sneaky manipulative offer like this rather than just pay professionals a couple hundred quid to do the work? She obviously doesn’t enjoy friends and family using her holiday home so it’s really odd way to save a couple of bob. From what you’ve written I gather that she’s a bit of an anus and this is all a big power trip, the strange way of offering is just another power trip…I don’t think I’d feel great about this holiday either for this reason..

That said, it’s not about you! suck it up for your grandchildren! They won’t notice weird adult dynamics, they’ll just have a lovely time with their grandparents. 🙂

Why would a wealthy person make a sneaky manipulative offer like this rather than just pay professionals a couple hundred quid to do the work?

Dont be so naive! The rich get rich by not spending anything!

She is only asking for the garden to be tidied up and the house dusted, they aren't going to be working non stop, full time for a week.

Oh perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable handing over the keys to an agency or someone she doesn't know or not being there whilst she cleans.