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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or am I being ungrateful?

253 replies

Showerflowers · 12/04/2025 18:17

So SIL is very wealthy. Lives a good few hours from us and we rarely see her and her dh. Sil owns a holiday home by the coast. She doesn’t allow anyone (friends or family) to stay in the holiday home. Family have asked and offered to pay but she likes the place for herself only. Fair enough I suppose.

she bought the home just before lockdown. Then headed there as soon as she could. So was based mainly there for 18 months. But in the last few years she’s actually barely been there. Just twice last year for a week at a time but moaned that she’d spent all her time there catching up with maintenance of the house and garden . I’m not surprised if it’s empty for 50 weeks of the year.

she’s rang us this week offering us a free week in the house in may. DH jumped at the chance and said yes before asking me. And initially I was thrilled too, moneys tight. We’d love to take our grandchildren who won’t get a holiday this year. But then I realised we are being used.

Sil has not been to the house since late September last year. She’s asked DH to tidy the garden for her while he’s there. Wants me to give the place a good air out and dust etc. I asked when she would be going down next. She’s arriving there a few days after we leave.

I'm not being daft here am I? She literally wants us to go down there and make the place nice for when she arrives doesn’t she!. DH thinks it’s a small price to pay for a free holiday. But I think he’s underestimating how much work probably needs doing. I now don’t want to go.

am I being ungrateful here lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 22:48

August1980 · 13/04/2025 21:47

This

Show quote history

I didn’t ask. She offered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 22:49

Blogswife · 13/04/2025 20:38

Yes you are being ungrateful. You seem to want a totally free holiday without having to contribute anything
I’s your sisters home, she’s entitled to keep it to herself .
I wonder if she’s sick of you hinting to go there and has decided to try one last thing to deter you - clever move as seems it’s worked !!!

Once again. This was offered to us. We’ve never ever asked to use their holiday home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 22:50

Skippydoodle · 13/04/2025 19:57

You get a free week worth £?k, for about 4-6 hours work. You are well in, but feel free to not do it. Why should you be bankrolled for free??

We didn’t ask

OP posts:
Original poster
Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 22:51

Everyone posting calling us out for expecting a freebie. We have never ever asked to stay there.

this was offered out of the blue to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 22:59

I’m not coming back to this post. So many nasty posters who are making out that I’m grabby, entitled and expecting a freebie. We have never once asked to stay there. Not even a hint. We’ve always had good holidays ourselves but I became disabled in recent years and things have been tough. Especially for dh who working full time and caring for their parents around that . I just felt off that there was conditions placed on us staying there after initially offering it to us for a well deserved break for dh.

thanks to those who actually gave reasonable advice.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 13/04/2025 22:59

Gizlotsmum · 12/04/2025 18:19

Oh tricky I would be tempted to go but do the bare minimum, so allocate one day of your week to the garden/ housework and the rest just do what you would to keep a home tidy. However I would also make those intentions clear before going

Edited

Exactly this

Helen483 · 13/04/2025 23:46

roseymoira · 12/04/2025 18:25

I’d say yes and go. Both of you do some dusting and ignore the garden. Tell her DH put his back out when you got there so unfortunately couldn’t manage the garden.

This.
Go, and just do whatever you think is fair in exchange for your free holiday.
But do make a list of the tasks you completed, because (as others have pointed out) it's quite possible that her expectations are too high.

DearZebra · 14/04/2025 00:45

If money isn’t too tight, would it be possible for you to remotely arrange a local cleaner to come in for a few hours while you are there and perhaps someone to mow the lawn?

rookiemere · 14/04/2025 07:09

Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 22:59

I’m not coming back to this post. So many nasty posters who are making out that I’m grabby, entitled and expecting a freebie. We have never once asked to stay there. Not even a hint. We’ve always had good holidays ourselves but I became disabled in recent years and things have been tough. Especially for dh who working full time and caring for their parents around that . I just felt off that there was conditions placed on us staying there after initially offering it to us for a well deserved break for dh.

thanks to those who actually gave reasonable advice.

I am sorry you feel this way.

I am with you, the “gardening” sounds like heavy duty maintenance and goods ordering that will easily take up 3-4 day’s effort from your DH. Unless he is some sort of magician and gets the panels instantly, I don’t think the work will be completed in a week. She would have been better saying a fortnight if she wants that big job completed.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/04/2025 08:18

tarheelbaby · 12/04/2025 18:55

Simply by staying there, you'd do a lot of what she wants for your own benefit and if you hadn't over-thought things, it wouldn't seem like 'work'. In any holiday situation, you'd open the windows/doors, use everything once and generally 'air it out'.

She's not charging you but she's not paying you either so you could do as little as you liked. Some light dusting/cobweb vacuuming over a week shouldn't be too bad.

Decades ago, my GPs owned a beach house. DGrandma used to offer the beach house to her DD, my DAunt, for an occasional weekend but she would give DAunt a list of chores like defrosting the fridge and freezer and mopping and things.

My first thought was that your Doctor owned a beach house 😆🤣🫣
Silly me 😂

ThePussy · 14/04/2025 08:33

I have a flat in Central London, and when we were living abroad, we used to let friends stay there, but a lot of them just took the piss. I asked them to replace tea/coffee/loo rolls that they used, and just to keep it generally clean - like clean the loo when you leave, and wipe out the shower. I got back once, late, having swung by the corner shop for milk, to find absolutely nothing in the house - not only had they not replaced anything, there were no tins left and they had eaten all of my home made food in the freezer. There was a dirty plate on the kitchen table and random dirty mugs around the flat. Oh and they had broken the washing machine.

So some sympathy with your SIL. Equally, we’ve stayed in a friend’s holiday cottage, and have been asked to mow the lawn, do a bit of weeding and leave the house clean, which was fine by us.

Mere1 · 14/04/2025 08:39

Showerflowers · 12/04/2025 18:17

So SIL is very wealthy. Lives a good few hours from us and we rarely see her and her dh. Sil owns a holiday home by the coast. She doesn’t allow anyone (friends or family) to stay in the holiday home. Family have asked and offered to pay but she likes the place for herself only. Fair enough I suppose.

she bought the home just before lockdown. Then headed there as soon as she could. So was based mainly there for 18 months. But in the last few years she’s actually barely been there. Just twice last year for a week at a time but moaned that she’d spent all her time there catching up with maintenance of the house and garden . I’m not surprised if it’s empty for 50 weeks of the year.

she’s rang us this week offering us a free week in the house in may. DH jumped at the chance and said yes before asking me. And initially I was thrilled too, moneys tight. We’d love to take our grandchildren who won’t get a holiday this year. But then I realised we are being used.

Sil has not been to the house since late September last year. She’s asked DH to tidy the garden for her while he’s there. Wants me to give the place a good air out and dust etc. I asked when she would be going down next. She’s arriving there a few days after we leave.

I'm not being daft here am I? She literally wants us to go down there and make the place nice for when she arrives doesn’t she!. DH thinks it’s a small price to pay for a free holiday. But I think he’s underestimating how much work probably needs doing. I now don’t want to go.

am I being ungrateful here lol

I don’t think she’s being cheeky or that you’re being ungrateful. The holiday seems to suit you. You would be entering in to a deal. The garden, depending on size and style, might take a while. Dusting and tidying not too long.

LilacReader · 14/04/2025 09:06

Hi, I think if you're anything like me, it wouldn't be the fact that you had been offered the holiday but you would prefer someone to be honest about it (would I like the free holiday in return for some cleaning). I get why you feel like you do. But as some say, if you fancy the holiday then go for it but if you can't get past the slightly underhand way this was offered, then decline. Hope you have a great hols if you go x

GRex · 14/04/2025 10:30

LilacReader · 14/04/2025 09:06

Hi, I think if you're anything like me, it wouldn't be the fact that you had been offered the holiday but you would prefer someone to be honest about it (would I like the free holiday in return for some cleaning). I get why you feel like you do. But as some say, if you fancy the holiday then go for it but if you can't get past the slightly underhand way this was offered, then decline. Hope you have a great hols if you go x

Sil has not been to the house since late September last year. She’s asked DH to tidy the garden for her while he’s there. Wants me to give the place a good air out and dust etc.
She's literally asked for the garden work and cleaning, how is any of it "underhand"? Costs for fence poats she said she'll pay. I really don't understand what some of you expect, this is just completely normal for borrowing a home. Imagine if you borrowed a car, you'd expect to fill it with petrol but if it had been parked up for a while you'd have to clean it, check and fill the tyres. You wouldn't expect someone loaning you the car for free to also go and clean it before you use it.

CleaningAngel · 14/04/2025 10:41

rookiemere · 14/04/2025 07:09

I am sorry you feel this way.

I am with you, the “gardening” sounds like heavy duty maintenance and goods ordering that will easily take up 3-4 day’s effort from your DH. Unless he is some sort of magician and gets the panels instantly, I don’t think the work will be completed in a week. She would have been better saying a fortnight if she wants that big job completed.

Show quote history

I thought same, I wouldn't go, it's not just a case of mowing the lawn and a bit of dusting. She's only let them use the cottage so they do the jobs, cf wouldn't give them a second thought otherwise

Namechangean · 14/04/2025 10:42

Showerflowers · 12/04/2025 22:29

I’m really absolutely not entitled.

i just think that if you offer something that’s essentially a gift, then you don’t attach conditions.

Show quote history

Doesn’t seem like it was a gift though. Seems like she want a mutually beneficial arrangement. If you just want a gift then say no and don’t go

rookiemere · 14/04/2025 11:06

CleaningAngel · 14/04/2025 10:41

I thought same, I wouldn't go, it's not just a case of mowing the lawn and a bit of dusting. She's only let them use the cottage so they do the jobs, cf wouldn't give them a second thought otherwise

Show quote history

And 3-4 days garden maintenance and repairs for 2 people ( as DGS involved) would easily cost several hundred pounds.

I don’t know where the cottage is but an off-season week in a standard cottage with no cleaning included might well cost less than that. So really it’s a quid pro quo situation, not a favour at all.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 14/04/2025 11:28

Is it like 'the moneypit' bad or do you think it just needs a clean and the garden tidying up? But if she has only been twice last year, and spent the whole of her time there doing stuff to the house could you be walking into a jungle? I suppose it depends on the state of it. Could you have a drive over before you commit and take a look?

Silverfoxette · 14/04/2025 11:41

I think she should have been honest with her reasons too, but i would go for the grandchildren, knowing they won’t get a holiday this year, it’s a treat for them. I can’t imagine it will need much more than a dusting.

BestDIL · 14/04/2025 11:45

Gizlotsmum · 12/04/2025 18:19

Oh tricky I would be tempted to go but do the bare minimum, so allocate one day of your week to the garden/ housework and the rest just do what you would to keep a home tidy. However I would also make those intentions clear before going

Edited

100% agree

ChocolateAddictAlways · 14/04/2025 12:48

ThePussy · 14/04/2025 08:33

I have a flat in Central London, and when we were living abroad, we used to let friends stay there, but a lot of them just took the piss. I asked them to replace tea/coffee/loo rolls that they used, and just to keep it generally clean - like clean the loo when you leave, and wipe out the shower. I got back once, late, having swung by the corner shop for milk, to find absolutely nothing in the house - not only had they not replaced anything, there were no tins left and they had eaten all of my home made food in the freezer. There was a dirty plate on the kitchen table and random dirty mugs around the flat. Oh and they had broken the washing machine.

So some sympathy with your SIL. Equally, we’ve stayed in a friend’s holiday cottage, and have been asked to mow the lawn, do a bit of weeding and leave the house clean, which was fine by us.

Bloody hell. That is A LOT.

Did your friends ever acknowledge or apologise for leaving it like that? Or were they raised by wolves?

Daftypants · 16/04/2025 09:54

its unlikely the house will be dirty if it’s not used much , but it will definitely be dusty and need aired out too .
Ask for photos of the garden and that will give you a good idea of the amount of work expected , if it’s heavy work then you could make it clear that a bit of garden tidying is fine but not heavy duty digging and clearing.
You could ask to go for a little bit longer than a week so that gives you time to tidy it up and still have a lovely ( free ! ) holiday home 🤔

Daftypants · 16/04/2025 10:01

Showerflowers · 13/04/2025 19:53

So I rang Sil this afternoon to get a grasp of what needs doing. I’m disabled and she knows this and she reassured me the house won’t need much doing. But the garden on the other hand needs a lot of work which she was very honest about. The neighbour has told her some fence panels are damaged and it’s surrounded by trees so there will be a lot to clear. She would like dh to either replace the panels himself or hire someone to do it and she will pay. Neighbours also told her that someone’s tried to get in and a small side window is broken so needs that boarding up, this happened a few days ago and neighbours put a temporary cover over it and is keeping an eye on the place.

dh still wants to go so I’m happy if he’s happy. Older grandson has said he will muck in too. Then they can go fishing till their hearts content and I’ll have some peace lol.

thanks for the level headed responses. Sil is lovely but does put on us a lot. Mainly with regard to their parents who need a lot of care which falls to dh.

so wish us luck lol

Oh that’s a bit much , I’d definitely organise someone to replace / sort the fence panels as she’s said she will pay the trades that do that .
No I don’t think you’re being cheeky at all .
You didn’t ask to stay there.
It actually sounds like it might work out ok though ?
It is a load off her mind if someone is in the property while the work is done to the fencing .
Hopefully you won’t have too much to do inside the house ?

American6pie · 21/04/2025 16:10

Tidy the garden... and do the bare minimum to keep it livable... Since your grandson offered to help that sound great .... However if she wants more tell her to get a maid and butler

Pallisers · 21/04/2025 18:30

Your dh does most of the care for their parents and she doesn't have the gratitude to offer him a week at her holiday home but expects him to work for it.

What a charmer she is.