To expect my DD will try drugs?

[Roxietrees]

Not really an AIBU question but didn’t know where else to put it. Was just reading another thread and it got me thinking (maybe MN isn’t the best test group for this question but we’ll see!) I feel like back in the day on crime drama type tv shows where some young person goes missing the parents would always say to the police “no our son/daughter would never touch drugs, not in a million years, they’re not like that” or whatever. But these days you don’t get those kind of lines in the same types of tv shows (not that I’ve seen anyway, I might be wrong) and I’m wondering whether that’s because the attitude around drugs has shifted and it’s become more socially acceptable than it was early late 90s/early 2000s? I did a load of drugs in my teens and early 20s (early 2000s) so did almost everyone I know, and we’re all pretty normal, well-adjusted, successful people. My DD is still very young but I fully expect her to experiment with drugs as a teenager, I feel like it’s a right of passage. I just want to educate her about the dangers and discourage her but at the end of the day she’s going to make her own mind up. I’m just wondering if other people expect that their kids will try drugs or do you feel certain they won’t? If so why?

How do you think parents should stamp it out?

I don't think you need to assume they would but accept that they might have done.

Your children are different people, you I'm sure there are loads of things they have done growing up that you didn't.

I did drugs in my young years, that doesn't mean I assume mine definitely will but they might do.

Not a chance any of mine would.

But then I know where they are, who they're with and what they're doing at all times and will do until they're married and leave home.

And sorry @Lincslady53 for how it all turned out. I am with you on a row with a 14 year old being better than accepting it as something all kids do.

It was never a thing with the kids I grew up with in the 80s, we very much thought the kids who were experimenting were a bit stupid. Certainly plenty of alcohol and cigarettes about though. At college there was cannabis and just as I was leaving coke was becoming more popular, I never bothered, a couple of friends smoked a joint or two, it wasn't a big thing.
My own kids, whilst you never really know what they get up to, don't even drink much alcohol. Drugs just don't seem to feature.

One thing that does seem to be rife in their generation is self harming. Two of mine have had issues with cutting, as have friend's children. My DD said it was when she felt too stressed to cope, I think I'd have preferred that she'd smoked a joint. The self harming was difficult to stop and has scarred her for life.
Most of them also vape.

I’m 30. All my friends are successful, I went to a top grammar followed by Cambridge. I can’t name one friend who hasn’t at least tried drugs.

My seminar lead told me I needed to loosen up once and that now is the time in my life to experiment with drugs, then went on to tell me about his LSD use in the 80s. It was actually quite an important conversation for me.

Ive tried a few different drugs, don’t like them and wont ever do them again. I believe cannabis should be completely legalised and taxed.

Mine are more risk adverse even about alcohol than I was at their age and I didn't smoke or do drugs. Many of their friends are similar. They drink a little but in moderation and even though two of them are adults now they still will only drink alcohol once a week. I think a lot of it though is fairly random. It depends who they sit next to in yr7 English in their first week of school, whether they like one type of music or another. Yes my children could be lying but they are openly scornful of some of those who are out drinking and doing a lot of drugs, and they spend a lot of time at home, so I don't think so.

How?!

That’s what my mum believes too.

She’s wrong, and likely so are you.

I dabbled a bit when younger but it never really appealed thankfully.

I know one DC was into that scene in teens, not now. It’s amazing what they tell you when they’re older 🤣.

See I know very few people that have taken drugs, other than weed

None of my friends at school did or uni, or my husbands friends. None of my friends as an
adult have ever said they've taken drugs, or taken drugs in my presence. I even had a conversation with one the other day because we felt quite abnormal, but I've had lots of friends, from lots of walks of life and only one or two who've taken anything other than weed

Having said that cocaine and met seem rife at the minute, lots of people taking cocaine at bars so I think it would be naive to assume someone would never take drugs

My DC definitely haven’t. Of course if threads like these you get the ‘but how could you know?’ comments from people who don’t have the same kind of relationship with their DC or parents and think everyone is sneaking about lying behind each others backs. The truth is I am very close to my DC, more so than MN would deem appropriate now they have moved out, and discussions around all parts of life, including drugs have been on the table for many years. I never touched drugs, I was always too frightened and found that kind of world terrifying. My eldest had a group of friends as a teen who drank to excess at every opportunity and took drugs most weekends. She never did. She was always a sensible child/teen and was very open with me about what was happening among her peers. She fast broke away from that group once they left school and several years later they are still out parting most weekends while she is having cosy nights in with her partner watching TV. Some people are just not party animals. Middle DC is anti drugs, alcohol and even cigarettes and thinks people are stupid who use these things. He is a very black and white literal thinker and drugs have never been in his radar. Other DC unfortunately very disabled and needs an adult with them at all times, his interests are not the same as the average young lad. That’s how I know.

What do you mean how? Because that's the way it is. You do realise a lot of people aren't from British culture don't you?

DC are at uni, both sporty so although drugs are ‘around’ a few people they know of, they really aren’t within their friendship/sporting groups at all.

Added to the fact that they are both doing STEM subjects that any type of drug conviction would see them never be able to work in their field, they have both expressed they have no interest and couldn’t even if they wanted to.

A common story it would seem, but it probably depends on the crowd they hang with and the prevalence of peer pressure.

One of my children is autistic with serious MH problems. We also have many stories of addiction and alcohol/drug abuse on both sides of our family. I've done my best to explain why I hope they don't do drugs /drink alcohol because I am actually terrified for them because of their genetics/mh. But I wouldn't be surprised.

I generally feel the same way as you and would not be horrified. Although young peoples’ attitudes to drugs are changing. Lots of young people like to eat clean, do yoga and do nothing more than a few drops of cbd oil and watch YouTube. It could be that recreational drugs are used much less in 10 years time.

I also think my generation (X) it all felt quite new I suppose, Es were a new thing and all night parties and clubbing definitely were (for me anyway). There doesn’t seem to be the equivalent for DD and friends, although I know lots of other her age do. Also when I was younger I hardly drank, just wasn’t my thing. Not saying taking drugs is better, it was just different for me.

No-one on mumsnet will believe you @FiveTreeHill but I do.

However, I'm not a "cool" mumsnetter and wasn't into the rave scene (I hate rave "music"). Most of my friends were never into drugs and I resent the insistence that everyone was doing it because they weren't.

Most of my friends are retired now and when we were young cocaine was so expensive it was called the champagne drug, so it wasn't a "thing" like it is now. I knew a few people who were pot smokers and one girl who took acide, but that was all.

I tried weed just the once (or pot as it was known back then) and just didn't get it. As a non smoker inhaling a joint was counter intuitive to me so I just didn't get the hit at all.

I think the main difference with kids these days is drug taking is very mainstream. When I was a teen (I am nearly 40 now) drugs were a huge scary evil- we had the picture of Leah Betts etc, people were taking drugs obviously but it was much more clandestine.

Nowadays you have number 1 albums talking about doing coke in the club, every other video on TikTok is about getting a bag in, people very openly discuss and even celebrate their use of drugs in a way that just didn’t happen when I was a teen.

Mumsnet is a foreign country sometimes! I don't know anyone who hasn't done drugs, and a good percentage of my friends will have a spliff at the weekend. More than that at a gig or festival. My circle is fairly middle class: social workers, mental health professionals, uni lecturers, academics, teachers, artists etc. The majority still 'take drugs' to some extent. I can't think of a single adult I know who never had.

Equally - I am confident that my own adult ds and all of his friends, and my friend's kids, have experimented. They are less enamoured of booze than their parents (!) but drugs are still a thing.

I'm really surprised by the amount of people who have never, will never, won't even contemplate - a spliff!!

Added to the fact that they are both doing STEM subjects that any type of drug conviction would see them never be able to work in their field

That is the other main reason that DD isn't interested in drugs. She has had to undergo rigorous DBS checks for her work placements and isn't stupid enough to jeopardise her career aspirations.

I used this line when discussing drugs with her when she was at school, plus the fact that as illegal drugs aren't regulated she wouldn't know what other dangerous substances she might be ingesting.

I didn't say "don't do drugs, but it isn't a good idea to do drugs because...."

I think it’s a reasonable assumption but she might not. It’s a good thing to accept she might.
The panic and judgment about drugs is really unhelpful for parents and kids.

There needs to be some rational thought and perspective. Yes, drugs can be very dangerous, addictive in some cases and create huge health and social issues.

But they’re also fun, can be a great experience and does not lead every young person or adult into a life of addiction, crime, poor outcomes etc.

Open conversations, measured talks about being safe and not imposing hugely strict rules and conditions are important.

The more we rigidly lay down the law, the less our children will trust they can talk to us if they’re worried, scared, might have fucked up. If we lose our shit if they come home stoned, they know we can’t cope if they’ve had a bad experience.

My aunt would also tell you that none of her children or grandchildren have ever taken drugs. I know that’s not true because I’ve done drugs with them, they’re just better at hiding any part of their life from their mother. 😄

Many Muslim kids take drugs and drink. In the same way as a lot of Catholic people have sex before marriage.

I never tried drugs and neither did any of my friends....there were geeks back then and there are still geeks now! I had one cigarette once and didn't get drunk until I was 18 (and grew out of that pretty quick).

It really annoys me on the local fbook group or similar when there are kids causing trouble and the comments are about 'remember those days' (effectively rite of passage type stuff). Same applies to drug taking...I didn't hang around street corners and would never have even considered drugs. If saying this makes people feel better then that's up to them but not all kids do it.

Some of DH's friends do drugs as middle aged men...I think it's pathetic. They are predominantly sad singles but some are Dads with young kids :(

My DS is too young but he's a very risk averse kid so I feel like he's likely to be more like me and not take them but who knows.

I have no real knowledge but I thought drinking isn't as popular for the younger generation now.

I'm more worried about general standard of behaviour DS will come across in broad daylight from kids causing trouble than I am about drugs. And this is in a 'nice' area.

The young uns today are having very different childhoods to us. If they’re sick on the bus someone will mke a Tiktok of it. If they’re up at 5am they’re heading to the gym, not because they’ve had three mitsubishis and somehow need to be at their nan’s for Sunday lunch in eight hours.