To expect my DD will try drugs?

[Roxietrees]

Not really an AIBU question but didn’t know where else to put it. Was just reading another thread and it got me thinking (maybe MN isn’t the best test group for this question but we’ll see!) I feel like back in the day on crime drama type tv shows where some young person goes missing the parents would always say to the police “no our son/daughter would never touch drugs, not in a million years, they’re not like that” or whatever. But these days you don’t get those kind of lines in the same types of tv shows (not that I’ve seen anyway, I might be wrong) and I’m wondering whether that’s because the attitude around drugs has shifted and it’s become more socially acceptable than it was early late 90s/early 2000s? I did a load of drugs in my teens and early 20s (early 2000s) so did almost everyone I know, and we’re all pretty normal, well-adjusted, successful people. My DD is still very young but I fully expect her to experiment with drugs as a teenager, I feel like it’s a right of passage. I just want to educate her about the dangers and discourage her but at the end of the day she’s going to make her own mind up. I’m just wondering if other people expect that their kids will try drugs or do you feel certain they won’t? If so why?

My experiences of drugs also makes me believe that my DC will try them at some point. I was brought up knowing that my dad had tried cannabis - obviously at an appropriate age, I think about 12 when the subject of drugs came up. But I firmly believed I’d be the unlucky one that would try drugs for the first time and die. Even when all my friends were taking Coke or pills at the weekend, it wasn’t for me. Until I ended up in a mental place where I didn’t care if I tried drugs once and I did die. I ended up trying coke and it grew from there. Just party drugs and only socially but I took them most weekends in my early twenties as did all my friends! We were everyday people that worked as nurses, teachers, in a bank, in doctor’s surgery’s and other typical jobs. Some of my wider social group at parties included policemen and firefighters. It was just a normal weekend to us! Thankfully we’ve all settled and this is no longer the life we live. I think some of the group would still participate in taking coke if it was offered to them on a night out but most have grown out of it. My teacher friend said that drugs in school is huge now which is completely different to our experience, it was in our early twenties that drugs became a thing and certainly not during school! That worries me but all I can do is educate my DC on the dangers of drugs while also providing a safe space that they can come to me for anything. I would prefer my children to not take drugs at all but if they do and end up in a tricky situation I would want them to call me for help. It’s a difficult subject to navigate but I think drugs will still be there and I think some of the replies here are quite naive.

Personally never took drugs in my teens/twenties, but I was in a minority amongst my friends. I was lucky to have good friends who respected my wishes and never pressured me to join them. That said, I was a binge drinker, so I'm not in a position to judge others for their choices! My logic at the time was that at least I knew for sure what's in the bottle I'm drinking from; I was scared by the stories I'd heard of street drugs being cut with other chemicals and not knowing what I would be putting in my body.

Definitely a few naive posters on here who are absolutely confident that their children would never... I teach older teens and I know from an activity I did a while ago that the majority of them have tried illegal drugs. And for the poster saying "even Muslim kids" - yes, based on the number of anonymous confessions I got, some of the drug users had to be Muslim! The teens I teach are lovely kids - driven, hard working, well put together, sensible to talk to etc. It's what young people do, and pretending otherwise just prevents having honest conversations with children about risks. Likewise, just telling them "don't do it" doesn't work. Teens rebel, and if your stance is "I will be upset/angry if you ever do this", they'll be too scared to ask for help if they get in trouble.

OP, just have an honest conversation with your DD about it when it's appropriate. Explain to her what she might be offered, gently advise her against it, but reiterate that if she were to ever try something and it left her feeling unwell or unsafe, that she can absolutely turn to you for help. Scaring young people out of talking to their parents about it is far more dangerous.

I don’t think it’s inevitable she will fry them .

Im quite open with my kids (18 and 19) about how I tried weed in Amsterdam and neither have admitted trying anything yet .

Found a stash of vapes in daughters bag once .
My kids aren’t angels and I don’t see them through dose tinted glasses either

I had weed a few times but was so terrified of being the one who died after taking anything else that I didn’t touch anything else. Some friends did but not a great deal. We did used to drink far too much though and most of us smoked far too much on nights out. This is mid to late 90s.
I don’t think it’s a given that teenagers will take drugs but I do think it’s naive to say it would never be my son / daughter.

DD tried some hash brownies in Amsterdam. They gave her diarrhea.

We have talked about drugs quite openly and she is very anti cocaine. She knows people who do it and she says they get very boring.

As far as I know she hadn't tried anything other than eating weed, but she has various health issues, auto immune conditions and allergies and is pretty risk averse, so I don't think she is interested in trying any drug that isn't regulated or legal.

Most i ever did was weed in my late teens.
A couple of my friends did too. But most of my friend group never experimented with illegal drugs.
Legal drugs more did smoke and drink.

But this argument is the same as all teens experiment with sex. Some will/some wont.

Yes my mum would also say this - both me and my brothers have tried drugs.

I was quite surprised when I found out my geeky little brother, who is an Oxford scholar and now incredibly successful in his field, has done ket quite a few times.

It's just a lot more common than people think. Also in my experience, people in middle class circles do drugs a lot more than friends who didn't go to uni.

What about Muslim kids? I had two Muslim friends at university who did a lot of drugs.

I used to smoke some weed and eat hash cakes occasionally and did poppers sometimes but it all messed with my mental health too much (don't drink for the same reason nowadays).

My mum would have been one of the ones saying on this thread 'my children never did drugs' even though we all did at some point- not much but bits and bobs.

Yes I would agree! My DM would be absolutely floored if she knew how many drugs me and my friends did. She knows I smoked a bit of weed when I was a teenager and that horrified her enough. But growing up on the outskirts of London, I barely knew anyone who didn’t take some form of drugs on a night out.

It’s all long behind most of us now, I’ve not had anything for years and wouldn’t again, but some of them do still do a few lines of cocaine or some MD on a night out - and we’re nearly 40 now 😅

So yes, although the thought of my DS taking any makes me very sad and panicked, I would be honest and say I imagine he will at some point.

I don't think it's the same as thinking your husband is faithful - the majority of spouses don't cheat, but the majority of people/teens do try drugs

I think that it is unlikely either of mine will.

Dd is a top level athlete and is liable to be drug tested. She has had a sore throat the last few days and she had to check it on her app before she could use the throat spray I got her. I guess she might if she ever stops competing but I just can’t imagine it.

Ds is very funny about food (not quite ARFID but not far off.) I kept thinking he would grow out of it but he hasn’t. The idea of someone who won’t try Haribo trying drugs is a bit weird.

I would be surprised if DS became a recreational drug user but I know that there’s every chance he might try something when he goes off to Uni (just like I did), so we’ve talked about how to keep himself safe in difficult situations. DH never tried anything though, and I suspect he has more of his risk averse nature!

I supppose we all have to find our own ways of parenting. I am confident in mine. Doesnt seem to make much difference going by this thread if everyone inevitably takes drugs no matter what you do 😘And parents can only counsel.

I have never tried drugs so why would I assume my child would?

One of my best raving pals back in the day was a Muslim girl. She didn't drink but as she said every week, there was nothing in the Qur'an about MDMA. She flavoured hers with sugar.

Us children of immigrants are far better practised in the arts of parental deception than the middle-class white kids, in my experience. My mother would have sworn blind that I would never have been the sort to do drugs and she would have been very mistaken. Though I actually I was scared of drugs at first, and said no the first couple of times I had the opportunity. Then I said yes and it was a lot of fun and I didn't die.

(FYI neither I nor my raving crew ever lost our high expectations of ourselves and we have largely fulfilled them.)

My mum would have sworn blind that I had never taken drugs. Even though I’ve told her since that I did indeed take a load of drugs when I was a teenager she seems to have simply chosen not to believe me. Would love to achieve that level of denial.

I mean i tend to agree..
My eldest is only 10 and at the moment vehemently anti drugs and alcohol. He's not got that off me although of course I've pointed out the dangers. I don't really drink any more and obviously don't do drugs.
But when I was a teen I did every drug under the sun and drank ridiculously. So did my DH.
I like to think our kids are from a more stable background so won't ever experience the things I did.
However I'm well aware of the realities of life and would be highly suprised if they never touched drugs at all.

So do I.

I have never used drugs. DH smoked weed a couple of times at uni - almost 40 years ago, nothing since. DS24 likes a drink or several - no drugs. DS17 does not touch alcohol - very much opposed to it. Neither of them has tried any drugs. Both have been brought up to see drugs as a total mug’s game and both agree with that. I know that DS24’s GF would hit the roof if he used drugs but I also know he has dropped friends who have used and kept well away from drugs. DS17 is very judgemental of drug users- even more than I am. So although no parent can ever be 100 per cent certain their DC has not done something, I’m about as certain as it is possible to be that mine haven’t.

Drugs are not a rite of passage. Drug use means involvement in serious exploitation of very vulnerable people both here in the UK and abroad. I am, quite frankly, very hostile to drug use and support the tough line my university takes on it. I am astounded that the few students I’ve had to deal with who have been kicked out of halls for possession seem to have no idea what drug use actually means - which is a complete parenting failure in my eyes.

Sounds like you don't need to counsel, given how superior your parenting is!

FWIW, I'm not a parent (yet, soon to be though); my understanding of teenagers' behaviour comes from 15 years of teaching them. See my PP above for information, which you are then welcome to ignore as it doesn't fit your unwavering narrative.

I smoked, drank and occasionally took weed. Dh did the same plus ecstasy and cocaine (long before I met him) . Now we both have a few drinks on a weekend. My DDs tried cigarettes but thankfully never enough to become smokers, one has tried weed. Luckily they missed the vape generation. Both drink alcohol at a weekend but neither were the party type who drink in excess.

obviously they could have tried more but I can’t see why they would lie.

The number of women on here who are blindsided by their dhs being unfaithful as the dh always criticised that in others and seemed a very decent person is quite sobering.

When DS was about 15, his school had a parents meeting, all together in the school hall. The speaker, talked about not panicking if you find some weed, a lot of kids try it, just a phase, nothing to worry about. Our DS didn't worry us. He was very, almost too, righteous, he has also seen his grand dad going through health he'll due to smoking, so he couldn't have been more anti smoking. We never thought he would be stupid enough to smoke, never mind try weed, or anything else. How wrong we all were. We found out years later he tried weed when he was about 15, we had no idea. He then went to Uni, got more involved with that scene. There then followed 20 years of him not being able to hold down a job or relationship, arguments, him disappearing for months at a time. It finally culminated when he was 40 he went berserk, attacked DH in a rage which resulted in the police being called, the police doing nothing but move him on. He found a flat to live in but wouldn't discuss anything with us. A year later, he was £2,000 in arrears. His landlord, who was a friend had to break in as he had barricaded himself in. He was sectioned, 3 months in a secure unit suffering from drug induced paranoia. He is out now, tge drugs turned him into a zombie. Lethargic. No motivation, no conversation. He will probably be on medication for the rest of his life. His life, our, his siblings is ruined. The frightening thing is the number of people in the same position. Kids with a lot of potential whose lives, and their families lives, wrecked, from what started with 'a bit if weed' These are not kids from broken homes, disadvantaged backgrounds or other stereotypical problem families. These could be your DCs or grandchildren who would never touch drugs. Be alert at all times. His friends were all good, many have gone on to be high earners, but if your LO is one of the many who go the way of our DS you have a living nightmare ahead of you. If you get any hint of weed use, stamp it out if you can. A row with a 14 year old is preferable to seeing a promising, intelligent teenager turn into a shambling wreck of a man.

As far as I know DD hasn’t but she may well do. I know there’s a lot of ketamine and weed used amongst her peers and ketamine does seem to be the party drug of choice. I really do hope she doesn’t ever take that it’s a vile drug.

i used to take lots of drugs when I was younger but my social life and circle was wildly different to hers.

Also I can 💯 tell you my late mum were she alive today (and on this thread obvs) that her DD (me) would never touch drugs as she had no idea.

It's funny - I was just saying to DH yesterday that I wondered about the different ways that people fall into trying drugs and whether it's likely to happen with DC. That's not me saying I think it's rare by any stretch - quite the opposite - I happened not to have much contact with drugs growing up (offered weed a few times but never took it) which I expect is unusual.

Totally agree with Butch who obviously knows what she’s talking about. Wise empathetic friends with older teens took the same approach with their teens. When we found vapes we didn’t go mad but worked through with dd2 how dumb it was.

She stopped vaping and is one of the few in her group who do not vape (confirmed by dd1 and the mother of one of her friends). So glad we didn’t charge in yelling and shouting as i nearly did and my parents would have done but listened to the advice of friends with older teens.