TW? This wasn't right was it? Parents and sex.

[BunsenBurnerAccount]

I dont know if this needs a TW so here is one anyway.

Name change.

Sorry it's long. I've never listed it like this and I just kept remembering more things.

TLDR: As a child, I often walked in on my parents having sex and they would also act inappropriately around me. How do I get over this without counselling?

This has always bothered me and I'm pretty sure it has led to some of my weird hang ups/prudishness about sex. It's not right is it? Or was it just unfortunate, with a few inappropriate jokes?

I don't want counselling for various reasons so any suggestions on how to get over this, even if it is just me being overly sensitive would be much appreciated.

My parents were very open about their physical sex life and were not discreet even when 4 kids were in the house. My mum was all "this is my house, I'll do what I like" and my dad just thought we needed to grow up and how did we think they had 4 kids. I don't know if my siblings are the same as me but I'm guessing so.

I remember walking in on them having sex a lot. We weren't allowed in their room so they had privacy there but they would still have sex in the living room and kitchen even knowing we were home. I even walked in on them on the stairs. They'd stop, my dad would swear at me and they'd both give me a filthy look and sulk with me for ages afterwards.

We shared a cabin on a ferry. We weren't allowed to go explore by ourselves so we had to wait for them while "they had a shower". They were having sex in the shower. We'd only left the house that morning. I needed the toilet so went in and I could hear them still doing something behind the curtain while I was having a wee.

We were camping and the "bedrooms" were separated by a bit of fabric. My Dad was making very graphic comments to my mum and more. The next morning my Dad asked whether we'd learned anything about the birds and the bees last night.

We were unpacking in a caravan and I went into their room (open door). My dad saw me, randomly jumped on all fours and started thrusting. He said "just testing it out for your mother later". I just walked out but heard him say to my mum "she won't even understand and we don't need to worry about that when she looks like that do we?".

We had 2 cats and they'd both make comments when the "pussys were being licked". My dad once said "it's a shame we dont have more pussies". My sister asked if we could get more and my Dad said "yes please" and my mum said she'd think about it. Lots of comments about looking at pussies when we (the kids) went away on various camps. When we got home my sister asked whether they'd got any more cats and they both laughed and said that they had very much enjoyed stroking and looking at all the pussies but that we weren't getting any more cats. I remember my sister being heartbroken.

They used to get the bedsheets messy (I don't know how) and my mum would make sure we all knew they were being washed because of "nooky".

They had very, very loud sex. They'd also then have a shower together afterwards and be very loud in there. I was regularly woken up.

I was woken up by my dad shouting at my brother (who used to try to get into their bed) that he was "trying to give your mother a seeing to so get lost".

My dad worked away sometimes and mum had some friends around. One of them bought her a vibrator and my mum started rubbing it on herself to lots of squarks and lewd comments. That would be ok if that's your sort of thing but the room had me and other children all watching. One of them asked what it was and their mother said something like "your dad can show you later". WTF?! All the adults found it hilarious.

And so on and so on...

I've reread this and although a lot of these examples are my dad doing something, my mum was no victim and would also join in.

To make it clear, they never tried to involve me and never made any sexual comments or acts involving me. I never felt unsafe, just really grossed out and embarrassed and upset. I have no reason to think they did with my siblings either. It was more about them being indiscreet and having sex banter in front of us.

Obviously they'd deny all this. No doubt I've misremembered some of this but there is enough "truth" to get an idea of the sort of things.

This is horrible. I think you definitely need to see a therapist. X

I agree. Totally inappropriate. They reminded me of reading about Fred West and his wife.

Basically you were sexually abused by your parents. They don’t have to have actively involved you, exposing you to their activities is still abuse. Of course they’ll deny it so there’s little point having to he conversation with them. You might be able to have the conversation with your siblings though, only you can know if that’s an option. I do think counselling is a sensible idea, but if you can’t cope with the thought of that right now then try self help books. Do you still have contact with your parents? If so I think cutting them out completely is the right decision. You need to put some distance between you and this awful abuse to give yourself a chance to think more clearly about it.

I'm sorry but that's a form of child sex abuse and you definitely need to work through it with a therapist. It's worth talking to the police as well to get the abuse on record. If they behaved like this around you it's quite likely they conducted other forms of abuse on other children. Reporting it, even if nothing comes from it, will at least give the police a better picture of their offending.

That absolutely is an abusive situation to grow up in.

This is horribly neglectful and abusive. Exposing children to sexual activity - not just involving them in it - is considered abuse. I am so sorry you and your siblings experienced this.

If you can't go to talking therapy perhaps reading trusted resources about abuse would help? At least understanding that it was wrong and your parents should not have done this will help in some way?

Again I am so sorry.

That is awful, it’s form of sexual abuse I think

You have sexually abusive parents. None of the behaviour you describe was acceptable then or acceptable now. I'm not sure why you don't want therapy but it might be helpful.

At the very least, I would recommend that you go no contact with them.

Oh op, I’m so sorry. You should not have been exposed to that, it is a form of child abuse and you are not unreasonable at all in how you feel about it. You say you don’t want counselling, and I’m really sorry but not sure what people can suggest other than that. It might help enormously if you could find a person you can trust, and give it a try. I don’t know if you still see them but going NC with your parents would be the first thing I did. Do you/could you talk about it with your siblings, they probably went through it too and feel similarly which might help?

That's abuse

And both your parents are perpetrators

Please seek help, it sounds horrific

They are terrible parents, neglectful and sexually abusive though not physical.

I am sorry. It would be traumatising to any child growing in this environment.

I walked in once, it was confusing and weird. I cannot imagine being faced with it daily.

Please consider counselling.

This made me feel sick. They are sexual abusers and predators, and yes they did involve you.

I echo the above PP who mentioned the police. I also think you would benefit from therapy, although I'd decline any CBT if you can as it won't be helpful (no prizes for guessing how I know).

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Just echoing what others have said; what you have described is absolutely sexual abuse of you as a child. I'm so sorry you witnessed all of that disgusting & cruel behaviour by your parents. They seem not to have given a damn for their children's mental well-being.

yes, the scenarios you describe are not normal. It’s one thing to barge in on them in their room after bedtime but on the fucking stairs with you all in the house?

as well therapy I would talk with your siblings and determine how unified your memories are. Not a fun conversation to have, I know.

No. That is not just not normal. It’s abusive. And it sounds like a really horrid environment to grow up in. I’d definitely seek out some therapeutic support in your circumstances. I’m so sorry you had to grow up with that. X

I agree. Totally inappropriate. They reminded me of reading about Fred West and his wife
Yes!!! That's exactly right.
They were the same with their children.

Op, please get some support. As everyone has said, you have been abused.

I empathise op. My dm had frequent male callers.... She also had a Polaroid camera... Images stay in your head ime. Get some therapy op.
I remember weeing on my bedroom floor because the bathroom was via the lounge and she had a man round. I blamed the poor ddog and have carried that guilt for decades!
I had 4 dc before my first orgasm as sex to me was tainted...
We have a chock of wood at our bedroom door... And I am quiet... Exposing dc to sex like your dps did is very much sexual abuse..

What I've just read is enough to put anyone off sex for life never mind make them prudish about it. Go for therapy OP. If you can afford private go to someone who specialises in how our childhoods affect us as adults. Your mum and dad sound vile. Are they still like this? Are you close to them as an adult? Is it something you could bring up with them?

This is horrible. I feel like I need therapy just from reading about it.
I'm so sorry, definitely not normal at all.

Thank you. I'm crying lots now. I dont know why I posted this morning. It has opened up much more than I wanted.

I'm no / low contact with most of my family. I did go no contact with my parents for a while (for various reasons) but it caused a lot of stress and ended up being a lot more upsetting for me than being low / controlled contact.

I'm reluctant to go to a therapist. I've gone to them twice in the past about different issues. The first one, I didn't find helpful. The second one was into victim shaming. I don't want to leave myself open to that again with this issue. I'm also a prude and the idea of talking aloud about sex is hottific.

I will look at online sources. We have a staff support hub at work who may be able to point me in the right direction.

I'm sorry for those of you who have experienced abuse. X

I am so sorry you have had to live with this. Although they didn't involve you, it's still classed as sexual abuse. I wish there was a hug emoji 🤗
You have to feel comfortable with a therapist and it's awful if one of them was victim shaming. They needed reporting in my opinion!
But please do try and seek counselling through your work. It's affecting your life and you need to work through it to be able to move forward.
Best of luck OP ❤

Agree. Victim shaming is the opposite of what a therapist should be doing. I think you should try again and find a better therapist. There are lots of good ones around. Have a look on BACP website and ask a few about their services and pick one you like.

I understand your reluctance with therapists and will just point out that where abuse has occurred, where trauma exists, standard forms of therapy are often inappropriate. It might be that you would benefit from a therapist who is qualified in helping patients living with trauma and a background of sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, "counselling" isn't a regulated industry. You would need to do some research to find a counsellor who is appropriately qualified and registered - https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/bacp-register would be a good place to start.

Some standard forms of therapy can be triggering or harmful for patients living with genuine trauma, or patients simply won't respond to standard forms (e.g. CBT won't always be helpful).

It's also important, as you've found, to have a therapist with which you have a good rapport and feel safe with, which can be a case of trial & error. I know this can take strength and energy you may not have right now so just take things at a pace you're comfortable with.

Help is out there and you can find it, you will find someone to help you deal with this.

This is absolutely not remotely normal or OK. This was a form of sexual abuse.

This is essentially how Fred and Rose West used to behave around their children. It's awful.

You say you don't want counselling - I think it would help you, but of course, it's entirely your choice. I just want to say that I'm so, so sorry this happened to you, and well done for finding the courage to talk about it here.

Oh OP, I am sorry. I went through similar, although not as horrific as you did.

My parents used to have sed while I was sharing a bed with them. I co slept until I was around 8. I woke up countless times over the years to them having sex in the bed next to me, I used to lay frozen in fear.

We also had to share a room at families houses from time to time, I’d be on the floor next to the bed and they would carry on thinking I was asleep. The last time I would have been around 10.

I know what it’s like and how it affects you, you aren’t alone.