TW? This wasn't right was it? Parents and sex.

[BunsenBurnerAccount]

I dont know if this needs a TW so here is one anyway.

Name change.

Sorry it's long. I've never listed it like this and I just kept remembering more things.

TLDR: As a child, I often walked in on my parents having sex and they would also act inappropriately around me. How do I get over this without counselling?

This has always bothered me and I'm pretty sure it has led to some of my weird hang ups/prudishness about sex. It's not right is it? Or was it just unfortunate, with a few inappropriate jokes?

I don't want counselling for various reasons so any suggestions on how to get over this, even if it is just me being overly sensitive would be much appreciated.

My parents were very open about their physical sex life and were not discreet even when 4 kids were in the house. My mum was all "this is my house, I'll do what I like" and my dad just thought we needed to grow up and how did we think they had 4 kids. I don't know if my siblings are the same as me but I'm guessing so.

I remember walking in on them having sex a lot. We weren't allowed in their room so they had privacy there but they would still have sex in the living room and kitchen even knowing we were home. I even walked in on them on the stairs. They'd stop, my dad would swear at me and they'd both give me a filthy look and sulk with me for ages afterwards.

We shared a cabin on a ferry. We weren't allowed to go explore by ourselves so we had to wait for them while "they had a shower". They were having sex in the shower. We'd only left the house that morning. I needed the toilet so went in and I could hear them still doing something behind the curtain while I was having a wee.

We were camping and the "bedrooms" were separated by a bit of fabric. My Dad was making very graphic comments to my mum and more. The next morning my Dad asked whether we'd learned anything about the birds and the bees last night.

We were unpacking in a caravan and I went into their room (open door). My dad saw me, randomly jumped on all fours and started thrusting. He said "just testing it out for your mother later". I just walked out but heard him say to my mum "she won't even understand and we don't need to worry about that when she looks like that do we?".

We had 2 cats and they'd both make comments when the "pussys were being licked". My dad once said "it's a shame we dont have more pussies". My sister asked if we could get more and my Dad said "yes please" and my mum said she'd think about it. Lots of comments about looking at pussies when we (the kids) went away on various camps. When we got home my sister asked whether they'd got any more cats and they both laughed and said that they had very much enjoyed stroking and looking at all the pussies but that we weren't getting any more cats. I remember my sister being heartbroken.

They used to get the bedsheets messy (I don't know how) and my mum would make sure we all knew they were being washed because of "nooky".

They had very, very loud sex. They'd also then have a shower together afterwards and be very loud in there. I was regularly woken up.

I was woken up by my dad shouting at my brother (who used to try to get into their bed) that he was "trying to give your mother a seeing to so get lost".

My dad worked away sometimes and mum had some friends around. One of them bought her a vibrator and my mum started rubbing it on herself to lots of squarks and lewd comments. That would be ok if that's your sort of thing but the room had me and other children all watching. One of them asked what it was and their mother said something like "your dad can show you later". WTF?! All the adults found it hilarious.

And so on and so on...

I've reread this and although a lot of these examples are my dad doing something, my mum was no victim and would also join in.

To make it clear, they never tried to involve me and never made any sexual comments or acts involving me. I never felt unsafe, just really grossed out and embarrassed and upset. I have no reason to think they did with my siblings either. It was more about them being indiscreet and having sex banter in front of us.

Obviously they'd deny all this. No doubt I've misremembered some of this but there is enough "truth" to get an idea of the sort of things.

It was so graphic and gross, I had to stop reading. I thought surely this has to be a sleazy man trolling.

But I think this is real and I’m so sorry. It’s disgusting and vile. Who on earth exposes young children to sex? No child needs to see or hear that, the damage it can do.

im so sorry. However I do think wounds like this need professional support as I can imagine unpacking it all will be hard. Especially now that you’re realising that it wasn’t normal at all.

OP, I'm so sorry.

I had to step away for a bit when first reading this thread and the first few replies because I experienced similar and I never thought of it as sexual abuse but it's always made me feel awful my whole life and it's definitely affected the way I am with my husband and children.

I never saw them having full blown sex but I definitely heard a LOT through walls, not just sex noises but gross things they said to each other, and there were constant innuendos and sexual talk from my disgusting old perv of a step dad. He used to like to get my mum to dress up in sexy clothes or really short skirts, sometimes even my clothes, and then make loads of comments and take pictures, and every evening when we were watching TV he wouldn't just sit normally on the sofa, he would always be rubbing her leg and slipping his hand up her skirt. One time I was giving her her mothers day present and he came over and started rubbing her leg under her skirt and kissing her neck while he was trying to open her card.

As I got older he would tell me to "piss off to bed now, so your mum and I can have some fun". I didn't even know what he meant by "fun" at the time.

To this day, I can't even kiss my DH in front of the kids, I feel too guilty.

It's really awful to be exposed to all this stuff so young and you're not alone in feeling the way you do. I don't know how to advise, but I just want to say I completely understand how you are feeling and I am so sorry for what you experienced.

Edit to add: This is how much of a perv he was and how normalised it was: His request for his funeral (which I did not attend) was that all the "girls" wear short skirts. People were actually like "omg what a legend" and all the women did indeed show up wearing short skirts, including his daughter. Yuck yuck yuck. As soon as I heard that I was like "yep, sounds about right". Vom.

Oh yeah and he told me at 16 that I was useless and that I should just go on the game and that I'd soon realise how much I'd failed when "some fat guy was shagging me up the arse". Yeah.

Sorry, I don't mean to highjack the thread. It's all just now pouring out because it's literally just twigged for me that sexual abuse doesn't have to be actually physically involving you. OMG.

Who the fuck are the 2% who think you’re BU?! The OP was a victim, who on earth thinks she’s unreasonable?? 🤬

I’m so sorry you were subjected to this.

It seems that your father was getting off on exposing you and your siblings to sex. What he did (and your mother did) is abhorrent.

This isn’t a case of you accidentally walking into their bedroom at night. Your parents would do this in common living areas at times when you and your siblings were walking about the house.

This meets the definition of childhood sexual abuse as its carnal knowledge of a child by exposing you and your siblings to sexual acts.

Your parents are utter trash. It’s no wonder you have trauma.

I do think you need therapy over this.

Please do not bring your children around these awful people. They are not safe.

Haven't rtft but i assume everyone would universally agree that parents showing a child pornography on tv wouldnt be ok. thats why this is no different.

I’m so sorry this disgusting perv was living under the same roof as you when you were a child.

Your mother absolutely failed you.

I’ve not had good therapists either.

One psychologist (after listening to me cry over some trauma and abandonment) told me I should bake a cake. I stopped crying and just said “what? Why would I do that??”

It was so weird. I didn’t even like baking.

I did make some massive batches of hedgehog slice and take it into the office but I received zero therapeutic benefits from it.

To me, this is sexual abuse. You don't have to touch anyone or be touched by anyone to be sexually abused, exposing a child to something of that nature on multiple occasions either on purpose or a total lack of discretion is still sexual abuse.

I imagine a lot of parents have had children walk in/nearly walk in, but that happening when they walk into the parents bedroom late at night unexpectedly is very very different to your parents having sex on the stairs knowing you're all in.

I'm really really sorry this happened to you.

I thought the exact same.

Sorry I couldn’t read past licking pussys. Yes this is awful, so sorry you had to go through that.

I apologise, it wasn't well.phrased.
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I apologise for my post. That's a very different situation to them just being careless so I totally get the negative feelings. I should have read your post more carefully.

OP you have been in an abusive relationship

You are not a 'prude' - you are suffering from trauma

A good therapist will help you unpack all this horror from your childhood and help you make sense of your feelings.

You have been so so brave posting today. Please try once more to reach out for help. I would seek out a therapist (rather than a counsellor) who is experienced in sexual trauma. They will let you go at your own pace and guide you gently towards finding ways to process what happened to you.

Omg I had the exact same thought before I even read your comment, Fred and Rose West vibes. None of this was remotely normal OP.

They sound like a couple of pervs who shouldn't have been in charge of 4 children. No wonder you are disturbed by this.

At first I thought it was going to be Darling Buds of May but it’s definitely more Fred and Rose West, get yourself some counselling.

God this horrifies me .. I’d like to give you a hug or at least an ear to talk to , what vile pigs they both are , this is truly awful and I’d suggest counselling straight away . Of course consenting adults are entitled to a decent sex life but this does not trump the abuse of their children and all children deserve to learn about these things in an age appropriate manner , I’m so sorry

OP what you've recounted here is EXTREME. I cannot even imagine how much this must have affected you and still be affecting you. What they did was wrong, and what's more they knew it was wrong. Them being angry with you is precisely because they know they should not have exposed you to their sexual acts. Shame on them.

So sorry this happened to you OP, and the other posters. It's abusive and not appropriate in any normal person's mind.
When my dc were younger I fell in with a gentle parenting crowd, some of them were quite hippy/eco warriors. One of them was an older mum, she'd had her dd mid 40s and felt her 6 year old dd was a friend to her and would overshare lots of inappropriate things, in the name of being honest. She told me that she would tell her dd when they were going to have sex (if it was during the day) so that she wouldn't walk in on them (they didn't believe in locking doors) but she couldn't tell anyone else this, as they might think it's bad. She actually eye rolled when she said this, and thought she and her dd had such a good relationship with "no secrets". Unfriended her after that, terrible parenting.

I have just shown my sister this because this sounds identical to our childhood.
You are not alone.
I am sorry that you went through this too.
Our Dad is nearly 80 and We have made it very clear that his behaviour was abused.

I’m so sorry OP. I work with children and if I heard them describing what you have described it would be a safeguarding concern. I would classify it as both sexual
abuse and emotional abuse. I’m glad you are low to no contact. These are not good people and you deserved better.

I think EMDR might help based on what you have said. Have a google and see what you think. It can help ease physiological disturbance from and shift our relationship to difficult memories. You don’t have to share much detail. It might help shift the disgust.

good luck.

Fred and Rose west also raped their children, so an extreme version maybe.

But that doesn't take away from this being revolting, I was reading just thinking wtf is wrong with them? What are they like now?

What you experienced is called 'non contact child sexual abuse'. Just because you weren't 'involved' or you weren't physically touched, doesn't mean it's not abuse. Yes, as parents there's always a possibility of our child walking in whilst we're engaging in sex, but most parents would be mortified and make damn sure it didn't happen again. Your parents exposed you to sex, you saw them frequently engaged in the act, in various parts of the house, not just their own bedroom, had to listen to them having sex, had to listen to innuendos, and were frequently spoken to about their sex life. They made no effort to keep their sex life private, but in my mind relished in your embarrassment, making you uncomfortable and intimidating you by exposing you to it. You were a child, and your parents were supposed to love and protect you. If these details came to light nowadays by a child, to say an adult at school, it would immediately be logged on the safeguarding system and my guess is social services would be called too. It's a huge red flag. Please try and find a decent therapist, and have some proper counselling. Do you work? Often employers have an Employees Assistance Program, and counselling can be accessed via that.

I'm so sorry. This should never have happened to you and it was abuse. Take it very gently, it is quite shocking to look at this and see it for what it was. I agree that some good therapy would be a good idea and I would definitely start with your GP and see what they can refer you to before looking for someone privately. Be really honest with them about what happened, so that they can refer appropriately. The NHS can be patchy, but there is still good care out there if you are lucky.

I agree that even though you weren't involved, this is still very much abuse and hard to read.

You deserve some help to process it.