TW? This wasn't right was it? Parents and sex.

[BunsenBurnerAccount]

I dont know if this needs a TW so here is one anyway.

Name change.

Sorry it's long. I've never listed it like this and I just kept remembering more things.

TLDR: As a child, I often walked in on my parents having sex and they would also act inappropriately around me. How do I get over this without counselling?

This has always bothered me and I'm pretty sure it has led to some of my weird hang ups/prudishness about sex. It's not right is it? Or was it just unfortunate, with a few inappropriate jokes?

I don't want counselling for various reasons so any suggestions on how to get over this, even if it is just me being overly sensitive would be much appreciated.

My parents were very open about their physical sex life and were not discreet even when 4 kids were in the house. My mum was all "this is my house, I'll do what I like" and my dad just thought we needed to grow up and how did we think they had 4 kids. I don't know if my siblings are the same as me but I'm guessing so.

I remember walking in on them having sex a lot. We weren't allowed in their room so they had privacy there but they would still have sex in the living room and kitchen even knowing we were home. I even walked in on them on the stairs. They'd stop, my dad would swear at me and they'd both give me a filthy look and sulk with me for ages afterwards.

We shared a cabin on a ferry. We weren't allowed to go explore by ourselves so we had to wait for them while "they had a shower". They were having sex in the shower. We'd only left the house that morning. I needed the toilet so went in and I could hear them still doing something behind the curtain while I was having a wee.

We were camping and the "bedrooms" were separated by a bit of fabric. My Dad was making very graphic comments to my mum and more. The next morning my Dad asked whether we'd learned anything about the birds and the bees last night.

We were unpacking in a caravan and I went into their room (open door). My dad saw me, randomly jumped on all fours and started thrusting. He said "just testing it out for your mother later". I just walked out but heard him say to my mum "she won't even understand and we don't need to worry about that when she looks like that do we?".

We had 2 cats and they'd both make comments when the "pussys were being licked". My dad once said "it's a shame we dont have more pussies". My sister asked if we could get more and my Dad said "yes please" and my mum said she'd think about it. Lots of comments about looking at pussies when we (the kids) went away on various camps. When we got home my sister asked whether they'd got any more cats and they both laughed and said that they had very much enjoyed stroking and looking at all the pussies but that we weren't getting any more cats. I remember my sister being heartbroken.

They used to get the bedsheets messy (I don't know how) and my mum would make sure we all knew they were being washed because of "nooky".

They had very, very loud sex. They'd also then have a shower together afterwards and be very loud in there. I was regularly woken up.

I was woken up by my dad shouting at my brother (who used to try to get into their bed) that he was "trying to give your mother a seeing to so get lost".

My dad worked away sometimes and mum had some friends around. One of them bought her a vibrator and my mum started rubbing it on herself to lots of squarks and lewd comments. That would be ok if that's your sort of thing but the room had me and other children all watching. One of them asked what it was and their mother said something like "your dad can show you later". WTF?! All the adults found it hilarious.

And so on and so on...

I've reread this and although a lot of these examples are my dad doing something, my mum was no victim and would also join in.

To make it clear, they never tried to involve me and never made any sexual comments or acts involving me. I never felt unsafe, just really grossed out and embarrassed and upset. I have no reason to think they did with my siblings either. It was more about them being indiscreet and having sex banter in front of us.

Obviously they'd deny all this. No doubt I've misremembered some of this but there is enough "truth" to get an idea of the sort of things.

Exactly what I thought.

In my experience, boasting that "we don't keep secrets from our children" is a red flag. It's usually an excuse for parents to drag their children into things that they're too young to deal with. Privacy and secrecy are two different things.

On another parenting forum, a woman posted that she'd told her young sons that while she loves them, she's very sad that she had boys instead of girls. When people said this was unfair, she said that it's good parenting to be open with your children. She didn't seem remotely concerned to how these little boys would feel about knowing their own mother is so disappointed with them that she's actually depressed. They're going to be highly susceptible to the likes of Andrew Tate as they get older.

I'm so sorry, OP. I agree with those who say it was abuse, and that most schools would see this as a concern.

I am so sorry you have been abused in this way. Please don't give up on therapy. When I was young I went to 3 psychiatrists before I found the right one for me. It was absolutely worth it.

OP so sorry you are struggling with this. Like so many here have said, definitely sexual abuse, without a doubt. My mother was often inappropriate with me as well (nowhere near what you experienced). Sometimes if sex scenes (and I remember rape scenes in particular) came on the television, she wouldn’t change the channel even if I got upset and asked and when I was 8 and my siblings a few years older, she put on a soft porn movie and encouraged us to watch it (she seemed to think this made her a “cool “ parent). The problem, besides the sexual abuse which is traumatic enough, these are selfish parents who put their own twisted ideas above their child’s comfort, safety, and best interests. That kind of mental attitude leaks out into hundreds of other ways in which they probably didn’t look after you properly. I hope you find some healing.

This is abuse, I'm so sorry. I'm fairly sure my parents had an active sex life whilst I was growing up- I only walked in on them once as they made absolutely sure they were discreet! Even then, they apologised to me. There's absolutely no excuse for the way your parents behaved around you and the other children you mention. Please speak to someone about this, the way you feel about sex now is not your fault. 💐

The first thing I thought about was Fred and Rose west. I’m sorry you had to go through this op, I bet it has messed your siblings heads up too.
i reallly recommend you see a councillor for it. Even for a couple of sessions, you will then understand more how this has affected u in ways you don’t even realise. Your parents are awful and it’s abuse.

Are you close with your siblings? I would definitely ask them what they remember a d how they feel about it. Sounds terrible.

OP, this is so awful, I’m so sorry. Please find a proper professional therapist (anyone called a Psychologist does need to be an actual Psychologist with a doctorate) and as an actual Psychologist myself I’d suggest EMDR might be really helpful for you, you wouldn’t even need to disclose too much of the experiences. It works really well, and it might help you put some of this in a neatly folded draw in your mind so it doesn’t carry on having the same impact. Good luck!

Exposing children to sexual activity it considered sexual abuse. I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t know your reasons for not wanting counselling but that is what I would do.

WTF are there 2% saying you are being unreasonable..
Yes I thought about Fred and Rose too. I’m so sorry you grew up around that OP, they brought you into an adult world when you should have been enjoying being kids and ignorant to all that. Your dad sounds like a sex addict

If you've read anything about Fred and Rosemary West this is the kind of thing they did in front of their children. I'm about your experiences OP.

Haven’t been able to stop thinking about this thread since I read it yesterday. Sending you so much love OP, and others who have experienced this too 💕 Like others have said this is absolutely abuse and not what normal relationships in front of and around children should look like. NAPAC may be a safe space for you to find someone to talk to? They may also have recommendations of therapists who specialise in this area and are trauma informed.

@BunsenBurnerAccount

So sorry this happened to you. I had a realisation when I had my own children how selfish and inconsiderate my parents were.

It came from nowhere I read a post on here and it resonated so much with what I’d kept inside as I thought that most people experienced similar.

My world fell in for a while and it seriously affected my relationship with my parents. Knowing them discussing it would have only brought more pain as they would most definitely deny and minimise. We love a good misremember in our family.

I can only tell you what I did . I knew I needed help and the advice I received was to see a sex therapist and not a regular counsellor. This was advised as they are less likely to judge as sex is there specific area. I only went for a few sessions I could afford and it did me the world of good.

You will be ok . I put my energy into having the best life for myself and my children. I’ve ended up very sex positive now and I am in a good place. Hope you can be too.

Take care of yourself 👍

Those saying children shouldn't hear parents having sex. So if you grow up in the bedroom next to your parents, the walls are thin and you can hear them, is that a problem? They're in the privacy of their own room, with their door locked, but they have thin walls? Awkward when I was a teen who knew what was going on.

They sound like utter headcases. Part of me wonders if they too were abused as children.
I’m so sorry, OP x

What a brave post @BunsenBurnerAccount 💐 It was very difficult to read. Nevermind actually living through it. I hope you can see this now for what it actually was after everyone else’s posts. What your parents subjected you to was not ok.

I believe it’s important to be open and honest with children (in an age appropriate way!) and that it’s healthy to show children what affection looks like in a loving and safe relationship. I’m sorry you haven’t had that.

I completely understand your reluctance to look at therapy again but maybe in time you can think about going down the route of finding one that works for you.

They sexually abused you.

They involved you as a spectator in their sexuality and that's sexual abuse.

Op this organisation are excellent and will help you safely navigate help.

https://napac.org.uk

Are they still alive? They were totally inappropriate.

I feel traumatised just reading that! Your parents sound insane. I too wonder if your DM may have been abused as a child.it is not usual behaviour for sure.i.think a good therapist would be invaluable if you need to speak to someone in RL the Samatitans are vert good..24 hours helpline as welll

I think posts like yours are unhelpful in minimising the impact for some individuals, Like op and myself are you saying we’re weak individuals because it affected us and not you?

Also you I purposely left out details in my post let’s just say they it a world of difference between sitting at the breakfast table as a teen after hearing the bed squeak and a few moans and hearing explicit aggressive sex talk and every detail of your parents orgasm.

If you can't see the difference between what happened to OP and her siblings and what happened to you, I can't help you. This is just you trying to minimise and deny OP's obvious CSA by her parents.

@BunsenBurnerAccount so sorry to hear this, I really hope you get the help you need, can't even find the words, they've no idea how their behavior can effect you for life.

@WakingUpToReality

The problem, besides the sexual abuse which is traumatic enough, these are selfish parents who put their own twisted ideas above their child’s comfort, safety, and best interests. That kind of mental attitude leaks out into hundreds of other ways in which they probably didn’t look after you properly

This is so very true - this is my mum, find it hard even to say that as she just wasn't a 'mum'.

I had a friend home for a sleepover when I was 14, she brought a guy home, they were having loud sex. Me & my friend were downstairs watching tv. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I shouted from the bottom of the stairs, ' will you shut up?' she came running down the stairs, 'don't you dare tell me what to do in my house'. I'm a quiet soul so it took a lot for me to stand up & shout that to her.

Of course she had her own bedroom but it was my bed they were in, she expected me & my friend to sleep in it. When my sister came home, I told her what had happened, so all 3 of us slept in my sister's bed.

I'm 57 now, still friends with my sleepover pal. I asked her once did she remember that night? She did.

Lots of other stuff but yeah, very selfish behavior & it certainly stays with you.
I'm very, very, low contact with her. If I had my chance, I'd never see her again.

What a strange reply. I didn't say if it affected me or not. There's also a situation I haven't been brave enough to post about here so this was a starting point for broaching a small part of the topic in response to the many who made comments about overhearing. It wasn't even aimed at you.