TW? This wasn't right was it? Parents and sex.

[BunsenBurnerAccount]

I dont know if this needs a TW so here is one anyway.

Name change.

Sorry it's long. I've never listed it like this and I just kept remembering more things.

TLDR: As a child, I often walked in on my parents having sex and they would also act inappropriately around me. How do I get over this without counselling?

This has always bothered me and I'm pretty sure it has led to some of my weird hang ups/prudishness about sex. It's not right is it? Or was it just unfortunate, with a few inappropriate jokes?

I don't want counselling for various reasons so any suggestions on how to get over this, even if it is just me being overly sensitive would be much appreciated.

My parents were very open about their physical sex life and were not discreet even when 4 kids were in the house. My mum was all "this is my house, I'll do what I like" and my dad just thought we needed to grow up and how did we think they had 4 kids. I don't know if my siblings are the same as me but I'm guessing so.

I remember walking in on them having sex a lot. We weren't allowed in their room so they had privacy there but they would still have sex in the living room and kitchen even knowing we were home. I even walked in on them on the stairs. They'd stop, my dad would swear at me and they'd both give me a filthy look and sulk with me for ages afterwards.

We shared a cabin on a ferry. We weren't allowed to go explore by ourselves so we had to wait for them while "they had a shower". They were having sex in the shower. We'd only left the house that morning. I needed the toilet so went in and I could hear them still doing something behind the curtain while I was having a wee.

We were camping and the "bedrooms" were separated by a bit of fabric. My Dad was making very graphic comments to my mum and more. The next morning my Dad asked whether we'd learned anything about the birds and the bees last night.

We were unpacking in a caravan and I went into their room (open door). My dad saw me, randomly jumped on all fours and started thrusting. He said "just testing it out for your mother later". I just walked out but heard him say to my mum "she won't even understand and we don't need to worry about that when she looks like that do we?".

We had 2 cats and they'd both make comments when the "pussys were being licked". My dad once said "it's a shame we dont have more pussies". My sister asked if we could get more and my Dad said "yes please" and my mum said she'd think about it. Lots of comments about looking at pussies when we (the kids) went away on various camps. When we got home my sister asked whether they'd got any more cats and they both laughed and said that they had very much enjoyed stroking and looking at all the pussies but that we weren't getting any more cats. I remember my sister being heartbroken.

They used to get the bedsheets messy (I don't know how) and my mum would make sure we all knew they were being washed because of "nooky".

They had very, very loud sex. They'd also then have a shower together afterwards and be very loud in there. I was regularly woken up.

I was woken up by my dad shouting at my brother (who used to try to get into their bed) that he was "trying to give your mother a seeing to so get lost".

My dad worked away sometimes and mum had some friends around. One of them bought her a vibrator and my mum started rubbing it on herself to lots of squarks and lewd comments. That would be ok if that's your sort of thing but the room had me and other children all watching. One of them asked what it was and their mother said something like "your dad can show you later". WTF?! All the adults found it hilarious.

And so on and so on...

I've reread this and although a lot of these examples are my dad doing something, my mum was no victim and would also join in.

To make it clear, they never tried to involve me and never made any sexual comments or acts involving me. I never felt unsafe, just really grossed out and embarrassed and upset. I have no reason to think they did with my siblings either. It was more about them being indiscreet and having sex banter in front of us.

Obviously they'd deny all this. No doubt I've misremembered some of this but there is enough "truth" to get an idea of the sort of things.

I wasn't comparing, I was asking a question as it seems many think that even the level of hearing anything is a problem.

You don't know my history or what I've experienced, so even that level of what people raised brought up some stuff for me. It seemed a safe question to ask as I'm not really sure about posting an event that's been playing on my mind, but that question was safe.

Nothing to do with minimising OP's issue just because it's on a whole other scale to other issues raised by posters here.

I’m so sorry OP. This was certainly sexual abuse. I really hope you can find a good therapist.

Just to clarify for anyone reading: unfortunately, only some job titles are legally protected. Actually anyone can call themselves a Psychologist with no rationale nor training whatsoever!

Protected titles:
Practitioner psychologist, Registered psychologist, Clinical psychologist, Forensic psychologist, Counselling psychologist, Health psychologist, Educational psychologist, Occupational psychologist, and Sport and exercise psychologist.

What you are looking for in a Counsellor:
Have a diploma, not just a PGCert.
Have further postgraduate training in trauma.
Have significant experience as a Counsellor.
BACP registered

In a "psychologist"
Is a Clinical Psychologist or Practitioner Psychologist or Counselling Psychologist
Has the correct training to hold those titles
Has further postgraduate training in trauma
Is professionally registered with appropriate bodies (eg HCPC)

For any mental health care:
That you feel within the first couple of sessions that they listen to you, are trying to understand, and are not judging you.
Who explain and hold professional boundaries.

I am so sorry for what you were exposed to. It is sexual abuse and emotional abuse too.

Do they have any caring responsibilities towards children? If so you really need to consider reporting this for the sake of those children. Whilst reporting your experience is dragging up these memories, you need to ensure no more children are exposed. This is totally inappropriate behaviour.

walking in on your parents when the bedroom door was closed is common, that is not abuse, whilst what you described is in public areas of the house, but also the innuendo too. They sound obsessed!

@homemadebasilpesto

I am sorry if I interpreted you post wrongly. It’s a very emotional subject for me and one that had for years greatly influenced my life choices.

I hope you find the courage to address whatever issue you have and would be deeply upset if anything I said affected that.

I never addressed it for too long don’t be me. Take care

Your parents sound repulsive OP, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It is absolutely not normal or acceptable x

Thanks for your post. Too late for all that for me, I'm afraid. I did finally get counselling for the things that happened outside the family in my early 30s. I'm just realising how some things my parents did were a bit messed up and passed under 'we're European so very relaxed about these things.' But I'm not sure if the thing I'm thinking on is just a me issue or was really messed up. I'm not talking to any counsellors about it though. I just get on now.

@BunsenBurnerAccountGod this is horrendous OP I’m so sorry 😔

I am a psychotherapist and this is absolutely sexual abuse. No question about it.

Please consider seeking a psychotherapist who specialises in sexual abuse. They can work wonders to help you heal from the damage this has done. Particularly your uncomfortable feelings around sex and your anxiety and reluctance to talk about it.

counselling is great but at the same time their job is to listen to you and reflect back. They don’t really give much direction or do constructive work. A psychotherapist can do this.

i really wish you all the best xx

If the NHS offering doesn't work for you, I highly recommend engaging a private clinical psychologist.

Good luck, OP. I'm sorry this was your experience.

Thank you everyone.

I'm not going to comment on this anymore but I have read and noted every post and do really, really appreciate your support and time.

I didn't expect it to go like this. I thought you'd say "eek that's a bit embarrassing" and "ugh your dad was a bit gross there" and tell me that parents have sex and it's just a bit unfortunate that you saw/heard it sometimes. I was hoping you'd say that and then I could quiet it down again. Instead, I have lots of other things coming up now and need to deal with them.

I am really sorry for other people's experiences. I sort of regret posting this because it's opened up a whole can of worms for me and memories that I now need to put back in their box. But I'll deal with it, and I'm certain that anyone who is also feeling this way as a result of this post can also manage to process it. People have given loads of options for support. X

Regarding my parents, they have no caring responsibilies. One sister has a son who is maybe 12? I don't believe they see them much and never unsupervised. They've had my son alone maybe twice. He's now 15. He won't be alone with them again. We see them a few times a year. I tried to go no contact but that was more stressful and upsetting for me so I decided to just stick with low contact instead.

Someone asked whether my mum was abused as a child. She had me at 15 (my dad was 16) and one of my previous counsellors said it meant she wasn't getting the love she needed at home. I don't think that's always the case but I wasn't shocked when she suggested that. My mum's family is a mess. I think her and her many siblings were neglected and it was a bit swallows and amazons. I think my oldest uncle would hurt her but I don't know how or whether it was "just" sibling crap or something more. My grandad is a nasty drunk and I wouldnt be surprised if he physically abused them. She definitely carries hurt from her childhood. My son has never met any of her family and he never will.

I'm only in contact with one sibling. I'm not going to raise it. I don't see what that will achieve. They have a very good and happy relationship with my parents. If they didn't experience / remember it then I don't want to taint their childhood or for it to damage our relationship.

Thank you again everyone.

OP, I wish you all the very best in life and in figuring this out. Much love to you xx

@BunsenBurnerAccount I’m sorry that posting has opened up so much for you OP. I hope that in some way it helps you process and deal with the things that you went through.

It sounds like you have found a level of contact with your parents that works for you and I think you’re right to stick to that.

Wishing you all the best 💐