TW? This wasn't right was it? Parents and sex.

[BunsenBurnerAccount]

I dont know if this needs a TW so here is one anyway.

Name change.

Sorry it's long. I've never listed it like this and I just kept remembering more things.

TLDR: As a child, I often walked in on my parents having sex and they would also act inappropriately around me. How do I get over this without counselling?

This has always bothered me and I'm pretty sure it has led to some of my weird hang ups/prudishness about sex. It's not right is it? Or was it just unfortunate, with a few inappropriate jokes?

I don't want counselling for various reasons so any suggestions on how to get over this, even if it is just me being overly sensitive would be much appreciated.

My parents were very open about their physical sex life and were not discreet even when 4 kids were in the house. My mum was all "this is my house, I'll do what I like" and my dad just thought we needed to grow up and how did we think they had 4 kids. I don't know if my siblings are the same as me but I'm guessing so.

I remember walking in on them having sex a lot. We weren't allowed in their room so they had privacy there but they would still have sex in the living room and kitchen even knowing we were home. I even walked in on them on the stairs. They'd stop, my dad would swear at me and they'd both give me a filthy look and sulk with me for ages afterwards.

We shared a cabin on a ferry. We weren't allowed to go explore by ourselves so we had to wait for them while "they had a shower". They were having sex in the shower. We'd only left the house that morning. I needed the toilet so went in and I could hear them still doing something behind the curtain while I was having a wee.

We were camping and the "bedrooms" were separated by a bit of fabric. My Dad was making very graphic comments to my mum and more. The next morning my Dad asked whether we'd learned anything about the birds and the bees last night.

We were unpacking in a caravan and I went into their room (open door). My dad saw me, randomly jumped on all fours and started thrusting. He said "just testing it out for your mother later". I just walked out but heard him say to my mum "she won't even understand and we don't need to worry about that when she looks like that do we?".

We had 2 cats and they'd both make comments when the "pussys were being licked". My dad once said "it's a shame we dont have more pussies". My sister asked if we could get more and my Dad said "yes please" and my mum said she'd think about it. Lots of comments about looking at pussies when we (the kids) went away on various camps. When we got home my sister asked whether they'd got any more cats and they both laughed and said that they had very much enjoyed stroking and looking at all the pussies but that we weren't getting any more cats. I remember my sister being heartbroken.

They used to get the bedsheets messy (I don't know how) and my mum would make sure we all knew they were being washed because of "nooky".

They had very, very loud sex. They'd also then have a shower together afterwards and be very loud in there. I was regularly woken up.

I was woken up by my dad shouting at my brother (who used to try to get into their bed) that he was "trying to give your mother a seeing to so get lost".

My dad worked away sometimes and mum had some friends around. One of them bought her a vibrator and my mum started rubbing it on herself to lots of squarks and lewd comments. That would be ok if that's your sort of thing but the room had me and other children all watching. One of them asked what it was and their mother said something like "your dad can show you later". WTF?! All the adults found it hilarious.

And so on and so on...

I've reread this and although a lot of these examples are my dad doing something, my mum was no victim and would also join in.

To make it clear, they never tried to involve me and never made any sexual comments or acts involving me. I never felt unsafe, just really grossed out and embarrassed and upset. I have no reason to think they did with my siblings either. It was more about them being indiscreet and having sex banter in front of us.

Obviously they'd deny all this. No doubt I've misremembered some of this but there is enough "truth" to get an idea of the sort of things.

I'm horrified by what your parents put you through. I'm so sorry you had this growing up and I hope that you get the help you need which can also enable you to go no contact with these people.

OP, the way your parents have behaved is in no way normal or acceptable. It's horrific. I know you say you don't want to see a therapist, but I honestly think you need tonsee a specialist for this. Not a general counsellor, but so.eone who can help yiu unpick this and overcome it. So sorry you and your siblings went theough thus, it horrible and abusive.

Seconding the advice to find a therapist, while appreciating they're a mixed bag.

But, while I know others may disagree, I personally would advise against going to the police, at least until you've worked through things extensively with a therapist and feel optimally resilient. I reported childhood abuse to the police and was left completely traumatised, firstly by the repetitive and detailed questioning techniques they use (which I accept are necessary) and then by the fact that they dropped the investigation without really bothering to do it properly, because of resource constraints. I was very positive about police involvement but ended up really regretting it.

I am sorry for what you went through @BunsenBurnerAccount. Please don't think it wasn't abuse, because it was, and you need and deserve support coming to terms with it.

OP that is just awful and it is abuse. I’m so sorry. It goes so so far beyond what might accidentally happen in a family home, it is not even remotely at that level. Just completely unacceptable. Don’t doubt yourself.

To the person who asked why it was problem if they were showing sex as positive thing.

So Ive had a think. When I walked out of my bedroom and saw them on the stairs, their reaction made me feel embarrassed, ashamed of myself and I like I did something wrong. My dad swore at me, not "oh shit, we need to stop" but "Ffs Bunsen" and neither of them spoke to me for ages after. It was like it was my fault and I'd been bad.

So I guess sex = me being naughty. Maybe?

Then when I could hear them, I knew it was a grown up thing they were doing and not for me so it felt bad listening (even though I couldn't help it).

When I got older and started to understand more and "get" their innuendos it just felt really dirty and gross. The thing in the caravan was horrible and then his comments after were really upsetting.

If they had people round while us children were away, that was their business but we didn't need to know. Similarly, why would I need to know they had sex in my bed or that my mum likes having her ears nibbled?

So on the one hand, yes they were apparently having great sex and enjoying themselves but it made negative links for me.

I've just remembered that when we all went away once, one of their friends house sat. He left piles of condoms (all in their packets as far as I know!) all over the house. My Dad in particular was disgusted.

I am so sorry to hear other people's experiences on here. 😢

Oh Love, this is just awful.
What does your relationship with them look like now? Are you and your siblings distant from them or do they want to play happy families?

I wonder if your siblings are also hurting and if you could comfort each other? But I grew up in a home where my father regularly hit my mother and although present my younger sister denies that any of it took place. I think her childhood brain blocked it out.

So sorry for what you went through OP. I agree a therapist or counsellor would be beneficial even though you find this difficult to say out loud. I would recommend getting in touch with https://napac.org.uk charity which helps adult survivors of childhood abuse, I’m confident that there will be no victim shaming here and they may be able to put you in touch with a local specialist charity for counselling.

You have been so brave posting on here, OP. What you experienced was so so wrong.

I don’t know what your relationship with your siblings is like but - if you are close with any of them - I wonder if it would help to speak to them? You needn’t go into detail - maybe just something like “I’ve been thinking about certain things our parents said and did when we were young that I now realise were really inappropriate and abusive. I’m taking a step back from them to protect myself”. I think childhood memories can be really confusing to process and we can sometimes almost gaslight ourselves into believing things didn’t happen and I just wondered if you and your siblings might be a mutual support. But only if it would help you.

You don’t say if you have children or nephews/nieces but - needless to say - I would be protecting them from ANY contact with either of your parents (even supervised - it only takes a few seconds for them to say something that could shatter a child’s innocence).

I hope this thread helps you, OP. You’ve been so brave posting on here and you did nothing to deserve any of this.

Op i have had similar experiences, not so much the inappropriate talk but lots of loud sex and doing things with me and my brother in the room when they thought we were sleeping but continuing when they knew we had woken up! It was horrible and I've only realised just how selfish it was of them since having my own children, I'd never even be thinking about sex with them in the room x

The person who asked this is not seeing things clearly. Yes it's good to think of sex as a positive thing and if you had seen your parents being affectionate in an appropriate way in front of you that would have been fine. But it is NEVER ok to have sex in front of a child, completely inappropriate. Children should not be exposed to sexual things before they are ready, it is very damaging and is listed as a form of sexual abuse. It's completely understandable that you feel traumatised, you don't have to justify feeling that way

I regard what they did as child sexual abuse. Even if they didn’t physically involve you, they were getting some sort of sexual kick out of having you witness this.

I’m shocked and stunned. Awful, awful behaviour from your parents OP. Without a doubt, it is abuse.

They used sex as a way to exert their power and control over you, by repeatedly putting you in situations you didn’t want to be in. It was deliberate and manipulative. By normalising sex to children, they left you and your siblings vulnerable to abuse by others - children who are exposed to sexual behaviour are more likely to seek out inappropriate relationships or be groomed / abused.

It must have taken a huge amount of courage to share this today. I hope that all of the responses validating the abuse have helped you see their behaviour for what it was.

This is awful OP. Particularly them having sex in your bed. This screams abuse to me. Please consider going back to therapy, someone who specialises in this area could greatly help you. You were not to blame for any of this.

So sorry for what you endured op, this is truly disturbing to read.

As everyone has said you've been a victim of sexual abuse regardless of whether they touched you or not. They exposed you to it all and then as you said made you feel guilty and ashamed. Just a depraved pair.

You say you are low contact but still might it be worth telling them what a disturbed childhood you had due to their awful behaviour?

Poor you, OP. You were unlucky enough to have selfish parents who prioritised their sexual desire over your needs when you were growing up. This isn't normal. Their behaviour was inappropriate and shocking. As others have said, it was sexual abuse. You were a child and should have been protected by them. You are not prudish, you were an abused child exposed to things you shouldn't have seen or known about.

In your shoes I'd look for a female and feminist counsellor or therapist. You can actually say 'Are you a feminist?' A feminist counsellor/ therapist is not going to try to shame you for what happened to you. It's okay for you to shop around until you find someone who suits you. If any counsellor/ therapist tries to tell you there was nothing wrong in what your parents did, walk away. Unfortunately you get all sorts of people training to be therapists/ counsellors and some of them are abusive. Sign up for 6 sessions and if you're still happy with them after that you can extend the contract. I think you probably do need to talk about this and deal with it, so that you can get on with the rest of your life without it hanging over you. Good luck.

I lived in a small house with at one point total 8 people (6 kids, my parents) and I only walked in on my parents a couple of times. They were mortified, I was too young to understand what’s going on. I’ve been walked in on my DD when she was 4 once, to tell us she had been sick in the night and I can honestly say I was mortified (even tho she probably had no idea). I cannot imagine being angry at a child because of that, and to give them filthy looks and be cruel to them after is insane. I hope you get the help you deserve. This is definitely sexual abuse and I kind do wonder if it ever went any further with any of your siblings.

I have worked in mental health for 10 years and felt deeply uncomfortable reading your post, I’ve heard plenty of accounts of abuse unfortunately. Your parents are sick. Not ethical to diagnose without assessment, clearly there is a history/cycle of abuse running through the family and I wonder what has caused their complete lack of boundaries, inappropriateness with sex.

You are very brave writing out this post, reading the responses and considering the next steps. I would consider self-referring to IAPT they will triage you and refer you to a Psychologist/ Psychotherapist specialising in trauma. If this is too difficult, speak to your GP and they will refer on your behalf (I would do this anyway)

If you can afford it, I would consider a private Psychotherapist / Psychologist with BACP credentials (masters degree, experience working in NHS mental health services)

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

There are low-cost Private therapy options too,

If you have issues with sex, I’d recommend Psychosexual therapy too.

https://tavistockrelationships.org/counselling-psychotherapy/how-we-work-with-sex

The NHS may have its issues but please, don’t listen to the noise and get yourself seen. You have the rational to be referred and seen by a skilled team.

Therapy may help you find peace with your past, I would gently suggest it to your siblings too, but don’t push the matter if they aren’t interested. It isn’t everything though, the past is the past and many of us live with demons. Living a healthy lifestyle, getting plenty of sleep, eating healthily, exercise outdoors, spending time with people whom are good to you are all essential aspects to long-term happiness.

I know you’ve had a negative experience with therapy. It is like a needle in a haystack finding someone skilled, many therapists are not cut from the same cloth as NHS trained mental health professionals and don’t have the experience to work with patients, more like life coaching in my experience. I would go for someone with 15, 20 years of experience, not a young woman with a psychotherapy masters and no clinical experience.

There is a trend at the moment to “cut off narcissistic people”, it is not so clear cut and I’d advise speaking through this with a professional before doing anything drastic. I do think it would be beneficial long-term, however it may cause you harm having that confront without support or guidance.

Wishing you the very best of luck, you are very

I'm so sorry @BunsenBurnerAccount, your parents were absolutely and totally in the wrong.

This is sexual abuse and also neglect.

It was really hard to read that, OP. Nothing like that should happen to a child. I think you do just need to see a therapist (anyone would).

PS - I am a young woman with a psychotherapy degree. I wouldn’t take on your case I would refer out.

OP, ignore the person who asked why it was a problem. They’re insane.

Of course it was a problem, because your parents were essentially involving you and your siblings in their sex lives. They repeatedly had sex in places where they knew full well you and your siblings would see them and hear them. Your father actually made it clear that he knew you could hear, and asked you what you’d learned from it. That isn’t ’being positive about sex’. It’s two adults getting a thrill out of exposing children to sexual behaviour. It is abuse, and don’t let anyone gaslight you into believing otherwise.

Wow. Can I just say that when I read this, my heart sank.

I am so so sorry that you experienced this. Your parents should be ashamed.

I am disgusted for you.

You are bloody better off without them in your life because of this.

Do what you need to do.

You know I immediately thought Fred and Rose too.

I'm so sorry. What a horrible homelife you had. It's abusive 😞

I’m so sorry, that’s horrendous. Do you talk to your siblings about it and how they were affected. I think it’s worth seeking counselling, know that you did nothing wrong and your parents were abusive and disgusting.