Things only frequently heard on Mumsnet (lighthearted)

[Deathofaunicorn]

Just thinking of things people have posted that I've heard countless times!

Everyone's friends in their social circle didn't have their first baby until the age of 42/43.

Their Grandma had her last baby at the age of 48.

Night of passion with their dp within 6 seconds of meeting, they moved in that night and never left and now they're celebrating 75 years of marriage.

Grandma who smoked 200 cigarettes a day, used chip fat on their face and had beautiful, line free skin at the age of 120.

DP has a hobby which means they're out most evenings and every weekend. Has a female colleague 25 years younger who he has a mutual attraction with and they text each other all day long.

Their DD/DS is 6'7, model looks, eats 10 packs of lard a day yet doesn't gain an ounce.

Has anyone else seen things like this frequently posted?

If mumsnet is to be believed, 95% of children are neurodiverse.

An incredible number of people who seem to be in the top 1% of earners in the country and often only in their twenties.

This definitely!

most husbands/partners have ED and a porn addiction. suffer loudly when they have a sniffle do sod all with the kids spend most time out of work blotto with their mates

The words “ kindly” and gently” before a reply. No one in IRL has EVER said that to me.

I am absolutely certain and will not be shaken in my belief that a much higher proportion of posters on MN are ND than across a similar age group in real life.

Yep, see the later ND post.

People staying inside and only having a bubble around them for the fist three months of having a baby. Meanwhile in the real world everyone's out and about with their babies as soon as possible and is excited for people to see them

Not 'gently' or 'kindly' but I do say "saying this with love / said with love" semi-ironically before before I'm about to hand someone their arse.

I saw Michael Jackson say it as part of his feedback to dancers / the band on This Is It and thought I'm stealing that. (Disclaimer, don't use MJ as a role model for everything.)

I feel like I would be burned at the stake. I wear once then wash at 60 then put in the dryer.

Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm not a high earner on £80k, my lifestyle and circumstances are perfectly average.

My child won't do X, refuses to do Y, insists on Z. Of course it's ludicrous to suggest that I could control my child.

My sister / mother / DH / whoever is demanding I do something completely unreasonable and won't take no for an answer. No I can't just refuse. No I can't say why. They won't let me. I've said no but they just won't listen. No it isn't possible to just not do it. Because it's not. Please supply me with a magic spell for changing another person's behaviour without changing my own in any way.

Here are ten reasons why my DP is an abusive prick. How can I fix the relationship?

Die, Heretic! 🔥

The dreaded 4 words... take in some ironing

I have never known anyone keep a newborn away from the grandparents for two or three weeks so they can ' bond'and have alone time with the baby.

Everyone I've know is as proud as punch and can't wait to show the new baby off, especially to family.

With the exception of abuse or some sort of criminal or extreme behaviour from grandparents where you would be no contact anyway, it is beyond me why people these days don't want their families to join in with the happy occasion.

Sell stuff on Vinted.

Someone asks for help and support as they are in an awful and dangerous abusive relationship, and the appropriate response is "Why on earth did you get into this relationship? You should have left earlier. I would never end up in your situation". Thanks for that.

People often use MN to make themself feel better reading about other people’s dreadful lives.

“My husband had an unauthorised curry, left a wet towel on the floor and farted in front of the baby.”

Chorus:

”LEAVE THE BASTARD.”

Just this morning a poster was nonchalantly "throwing veg" into the fridge. I assume said poster then bunged on some casual clothes, slapped on some lippy and mooched into her rural garden to dig up some pots for supper.

You can blame Jamie Oliver for that - with all his dollops of olive oil, squirt on some hummus, blitz in a blender, chuck in the aga, thrust in a garlic clove and spray around some semen.

Spray around some what, now?!

Exactly to your final point. People keep bobbing up on here saying social class is a Mn thing because they're never heard anyone speak about it in RL. That's because, while it's still absolutely prevalent in the UK, it's not generally spoken about. To return to one of the things the OP raises as something she appears to think is a Mn fallacy (many people in someone's social having their first child in their 40s) -- this is a class issue, in part.

Lots of Mn threads are about things people are happy to talk freely about anonymously online, but not in person with their friends and family, whether it's because they're incredibly boring (housekeeping), mildly gross (threads about whether you sit down or stand up to wipe your bottom), make them sound susperstitious and irrational ('woo' threads) or like a Nazi eugenicist (the lower orders and their childbearing habits).

Like that poor woman at her wits end dealing with 4 kids and a useless husband.
The most common advice?
"Why did you have 4 children?"

I think Jamie just encapsulated it in a banging pukka curry. The affected shit was already out there, waiting to be parodied.

There have been women on here for 25yrs opining "how hard is it to throw on a sweater and chuck on some jeans?" when they hear the horror of somebody going to Tesco in their loungewear. I don't disagree that going to the shops in your pyjamas is odd, but it has never inspired affected nonchalance in me. Are they the same women who "treat" themselves with a "cheeky" something or other or is there a spectrum where affectation becomes twee becomes cutesy becomes the hubsters, and so on...

It might be true if they’re 22 stone (which may be true with all those chips cooked in fat!) I’m 65 but don’t have a single line on my face because I’m fat 😂