To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

Mine went 3 days a week. They loved it- had loads of friends, loved the food, loved the activities. I have no regrets about sending them at all

No regrets here either. I’m a teacher so they go term time only. I find the holidays hard and wouldn’t want that to be my life all the time. I’m a much better parent on a part time basis and my child seems to enjoy nursery (hard to tell as he’s only just over a year but he never cries at drop off and they tell me he’s happy every day.)

Nope. DS loved it, it gave me a chance to further my career which has benefitted him in other ways too. It was the right choice for us 100%.

I love nursery! The messy play alone is worth it.

Had the odd blip, usually when moving rooms but I've never felt guilty. I'd not be a good SAHM, those that do are amazing!

It's less than 200 quid a month now with the funded hours. My salary is up 20k in that time

I am, personally, pleased we just did have 3 days of nursery and we were able to reduce work a bit and were lucky enough to have some grandparent help. But we were lucky that was an option and it suited our child not to be in full time so no shade for different choices.

I feel the same way.

I am always surprised by some of the comments on Mumsnet about mum guilt about this sort of thing, I don't feel at all guilty.

My kids are school age now and go to wraparound and holiday childcare and are absolutely fine and happy with it. They like being with other children.

I only felt guilty when it didn't feel like the best thing for my child.

I had my DD in nursery from 11 months, she never cried on drop off, but I could tell she didn't enjoy it.

We moved out of central London and I now have a part time nanny (who my DD ADORES and asks for all the time) and a childminder three days a week who is the loveliest woman. My DD asks to go to her house at weekends and shouts "YAYY!" when we drop her off and she sees the other kids who she's friends with.

I now don't feel guilty whatsoever. But I could always tell she wasn't happy at the other place, and that's what made me feel guilty - not childcare in general.

Of course there’s nothing to feel guilty about. I know lots of people find it a struggle to balance everything with children, work and home life, social life.

Do you mind sharing HOW you manage everything? I imagine it gets a little easier once they start school…? I’m a SAHM at the moment and will return to work at some point, possibly in a few years once the youngest starts school. But I’m just not quite sure how it is likely to work. Are your children quite well behaved? Is it simple to get through the morning routine for you and them, drop off and get to work ready for a full-on day? What are the practical challenges and how to you approach it all?

So far 2 posters have said their kids do 3 days and another poster’s child goes term time only. Both of which are very different to 8am to 6pm 5 days a week.

I don’t think many children actually do those hours @Stripeyanddotty .

Mine go three days a week and it’s fine. There is definitely an anti nursery attitude on here but then there’s an anti SAHM attitude as well.

Zero guilt. They loved it, I love my job.

Is it bad that I can't quite remember what mine did? Think it was 4 days + grandparent. They were fine in nursery. Had a couple of slightly dodgy cms later on.

Every time I felt any guilt, I'd ask dh if he felt guilty. His bemused expression told me everything.

According to mn, I should feel more guilt now they're teenagers because 'teenagers need their parents around more'. Except mine are happy home alone.

I never felt guilty about using a nursery. Why I’d feel guilty about working to keep a roof over their heads is beyond me. Often takes two salaries to get a decent mortgage; obviously it will then take two to pay it!

Lots of people tried. That was the response they got. Every single time.

I have no regrets. Three maternity leaves and I went straight back full time after each (though annual leave either delayed it a bit beyond 12 months or helped a phased return).

I don’t regret it because I still have my career and pension. My kids have done ok so far.

If you’d offered me complete financial security for life, meaning I was unlikely to need my career or pension, I’d have loved to have stayed at home with them. But that didn’t happen. I don’t regret the choices I made with the options I had.

Dc1 was in nursery from 6 months to 4 as I was in university and dc2 was with my in-laws and my mother. My mother was so flakey- would decided in the morning she'd had a bad nights sleep so couldn't look after dc. Caused me no end of headaches. Give me a nursery any day even with the cost.

No regrets here.

My ds went to a childminder aged 2y2m. He loved it. He was more than ready to socialise, and our childminder was brilliant - she had three decades of experience.

Then when he started school he went to ASC five days a week because I'm a single mum and needed to work. He did afterschool club, and holiday club for three weeks every summer until he was 10.

Today he is a cheerful confident laid back teen with 10 GCSEs, and studying for three stem A'levels.

I've always put him central to my life in other ways. He knows I have his back and we are close.

I'm a SAHM and put my DC into nursery/childcare three half-days then two full-days from when they were about 2yo. Not about me, it was 100% for their benefit and they loved it. Now that they're teenagers I'm beginning to feel guilty that I denied myself that time with them when they were still so completely adorable😥But I remind myself that it was all for them, and they did truly love it.

I'm a disabled mother on benefits, the 15 hours free gives me time to go to medical appointments etc. He loves its. A really well planed private nursery. My son says the only thing that will make it better is having me there.

I’m glad I did part time and had school holidays when DS was little. Wouldn’t have missed that time for the world. DH also tried to maximise as much time he could spend with DS as he could round work. Think part-time worked so I had a break and DS had social time in nursery. They grow up so quick. DS now at university and forging his own life. Both parents working long full-time hours with stressed mornings and evenings when sorting out drop off etc, trying to cram everything into weekends and annual leave would not have suited our family life.

It does make me laugh when people say they feel zero guilt and are only sending them 3 days a week 😂

on the other hand, mine were in 8am-5pm 5 days a week from 9 months old. There were times when I didn’t like it, but I don’t think guilt is the right word. It was hard though, the drop offs pick ups, always rushing around letting someone down and dropping a ball somewhere

Mine's a teen now, and tbh I did feel guilty sometimes when she was a baby (i went back to work full time when she was 5 months old), but I soon realised it was so much better for her. She done things there I'd never have been able to do as a SAHM. I loved my career too, would never have got to where I am now if I'd decided to take a few years out. I have nothing against anybody who can and chooses to be a SAHM though, all credit to them!

I will add that me and DH wfh upstairs on the two days the nanny is here - we have breakfast, lunch and dinner with DD. So she only does three days a week out of the house without us there.

When she was doing five days a week out of the house with the nursery I really struggled with the guilt.

No, I don’t feel guilty at all, mine goes 5 days a week.

They have a great time, they have lots of friends, the teachers are excellent, they are fed well etc etc.

And this has allowed me to smoothly continue my career without any negative impact, I’m entirely financially independent and am building financial security for my family.

And - we spend loads of quality time together.

I think the idea children are terribly scarred by the experience and are ‘with strangers’ comes exclusively from people who haven’t used nurseries. All the kids I know have been in 4/5 days a week and are all perfectly lovely, normal kids with healthy relationships with their parents.

Mine go 5 days a week. Initially half days and then worked upto full days.

I work a 4 day week so could have them home with me on the day I am off work. But it’s my only chance to have a chance to catch up on things in the house etc, and maybe if I’m lucky have a few hours to myself.

I don’t feel bad about it at all. They have thrived since being there, their speech has come along incredibly as well as other social skills, the play (including messy play- which is not my bag AT ALL!) they get to indulge in is brilliant.

Nope! We have an amazing childminder who’s been in there life since eldest was 2, (almost10) and now has the 4yo. She’s more like a family friend now and the kids are at home from home. I love never worrying about them. I’m so lucky with our childminder she is the best thing ever. I would pay her double !! But fortunately she’s super reasonable price wise and hugely flexible too!

I think it's good not to feel guilty especially as hardly any men would. But it's also good to understand the evidence around day care for very young children and minimise it where possible. I also wish that society was set up to facilitate part time working for both men and women so that it is assumed they both have caring responsibilities.