To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

What research?

Using that awful tragedy to score points is well, awful.

They are only young once. They are also only eight once, only twelve once, only eighteen once and so on. I didn’t have children to have babies and toddlers and to have them immortalised in that stage. I adored them and babies but it was a lot of work and I’m thankful to be leaving it behind. I’m now into the thick of toddler years with my youngest and it’s lovely. It’s also knackering and sometimes lonely. I would hate to be at this stage indefinitely and I don’t feel guilty about that.

Imagine how Genevieve’s mother would feel to read that post?

Nope mine went part time as all I could afford. Oldest 13 months old as first maternity leave. Second 10 months old. Started half days and built up to 2/3 days. The staff are amazing and they both had the same key worker who they adore. They now have an after-school club so since they started school they all walked back to the nursery. So real continuity. When this one is born I will pop their name down to start again at half days. If you find good childcare worth their weight in gold!

Mine do 8-45 to 5:30 3 days a week and 7:30-6 one day a week (they are seldom there until 6 but it can be 5:45 when I’m caught in traffic)

4 days in total

0 guilt

I don’t feel guilty 🤷🏼‍♀️ firstly I had to go back to work so we had no choice, feeling guilty would just be a waste of energy. Secondly, they LOVE it and thirdly, bet my partner doesn’t feel guilty so why should I?

Google is probably your best bet for getting started with research into the various studies etc that have been done/recommendations for books on child development.

Those trying to inflict the guilt on this thread really are having to scrape the barrel.

Personal choice, I didn't want to use nursery whilst she was very young. I had six months off work then went back three days a week but DD was looked after by her Dad two days (we both have flexible jobs) and her Grandma for the other day. That went on until she was about two and a half. Then she went to nursery two afternoons a week because I think by that point she benefitted from the social time with the other kids. It was always a priority for me that she have the most time with her family. But I get many don't have that option and I understand people's reasons for nursery use.

@crumblingschools

It is a pity though that careers can be wrecked if you go part-time. Interestingly DH is actively demonstrating/promoting in his firm that senior level roles can be part-time and no impact of maternity/shared leave. So people who have had career breaks/work part-time are applying/working towards those roles, which they previously thought were (and they were under previous management) out of reach.

Fair. I think its true that at very senior levels there is more flexibility in certain careers and some progressive companies are actively promoting this. Unfortunately, though, the time when you need to really lean into your career tends to coincide with the time you are having children and the time they are very young and need hands-on care. Going part time in your 50s when you've built a reputation is great but its too late to give you the ability to play a more hands-on role at home more of the week. And taking several years off work when you're in your late 20s/30s is often career-destroying or significantly career-limiting for women.

I hope this is changing but if you are career-oriented then opting out of the workforce at this point in your life is a risky move for many women. And of course for a lot of women it's simply not possible.

Zero guilt.

The research states that good quality childcare is key. The nursery we used was (and still is) incredible.

Nursery times were the best times for me. Full day childcare, meals included, packes full of activities and I was working full time in the office with adult people, no school holidays to deal with. I am also crap at crafts, so at least I knew someone was helping them make a necklace out of pasta or paint a paper plate and that someone didnt have to be me.
Now its a mess of school holidaysl every 5 minutes, work from home, pick up in the middle of my working day, rush home, work till midnight, kids moaning they are bored all the time and me fighting them to do home work.
Nursery times were really the best times.

I don't feel guilty at all. We all have to pay bills and do what we have to do to survive. My children are teens now and I'm lucky of they get out of bed during the holidays by 11 <no doubt someone on MN is going to jump on me for that> but they do see me working and both of them want more. I always thought I would love to be a stay at home mum, the three of us did covid while I was on furlough and it turns out this doesn't work for me.

I was devastated leaving mine. Would have loved to have been able to stay at home or work part time. I think it was just hormonal and I didn’t cope very well. My children were absolutely fine. I have been promoted twice since then and my children are older teens now and they are very proud of me. So it was the right decision for the 3 of us (I’m a single parent) but for me personally I found it very hard. But I don’t think it’s inferior for the children. I think they have a different experience to what they have at home and gain different skills from it.

ah, google, so often suggested by someone who has no research to back up their point 😂

The internet is full of generic statements and articles from shoddy journalists misinterpreting data to get clicks.

if you have peer reviewed studies you can cite, that’s what I’m interested in. ‘Google it’ is normally a cop out when someone actually has nothing to back up their claim of ‘studies’

Haha we cross posted the exact same thing

And anyone who needs to search for anything 😂

It's Mumsnet, not my thesis. I don't have to do the source work for you.

I got 30 free hours so my son went 8am to 6pm on my working days and it cost nothing....I paid for the other 2 mornings and felt he benefited from routine, socialising, school wasn't a big shock plus it gave me 2 mornings to do housework then we had 2 afternoons together it was a great time and cost me less than wraparound does now!

Well obviously if you make false claims I’m not spending my time googling to prove them false. That’s not how debate works. In the absence of other evidence, we’ll just all assume you’re wrong

The very mixed research that usually says the quality of nursery is key. Some research is also American and their daycares are quite different to nurseries.

I'm sorry I did my degree a while ago now and can't quote references off hand (and I've not got the time or inclination to dust off the textbooks). You can use google to find peer-reviewed articles though (in addition to all the rubbish I agree is out there). It used to be called Google Scholar, but again I haven't had cause to use it for a while!

Never felt guilty at all. Both mine went to nursery FT at around 1 year and both loved it.

I'm not the poster who mentioned the research, but this medium post does a good job of summarising current childcare research - and also links to the original studies, so you can verify their conclusions if you want to https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

Every bit of research I've read though says 1-1 care (doesn't have to be a parent - could be a relative or a nanny etc) is best for children under age 3, then nursery is better after age 3, but the ideal is half days.

Btw I work full time and have used full time 8am-6pm childcare after mat leave, so I don't follow this rule - but that's what the research I've read always seems to say is best.

It's not work, though?

The after school care that my kids receive is basically the choice between:

Playing outside
Arts and crafts
Lego
Organised games/sports
From 5:30, TV is an option

It's not really very different to what they would do at home

I felt no guilt putting my firstborn in nursery, he thrived on the stimulation and I needed to work to get the mortgage we wanted.

However when he started school he hated after school club and then I felt guilty, as others were going home and mine had to endure the club. When I stopped working he was so much happier and I knew it was the right decision for us.

Second child will be going to pre-school 2 days a week when she turns 3. I love being home with her, and she's a much calmer, more attached child personality wise. I'm sure she'll cry and cling some days, but it's better she gets used to it gradually rather than the shock of starting school.