To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

No, me neither! No judgement at all.

As I say, don't hate the player, hate the game.

That’s nice for you. And thanks for the earth shattering revelation that children are only little for a few years (who knew?).

But how does posting a scaremongering article about incidents in childcare help people who have no choice to use childcare? What does that achieve?

Guilt is a wasted emotion in my opinion.

You might be a shit mum though, for all we know. All shit parents think they’re great.

plenty more children harmed in the home than the 200000 incidents the misogynistic Mail say happened at nurseries

Depends on the mother and the children. Some mothers love being with their children and find suitable activities and peers for their development. Some don't really enjoy being with their children (or children in general) and in that case the children will be better in a nursery/with a good childminder.
Also, some children are highly sensitive/autistic/other and develop better at home (with a motivated parent). Others are very independant early on (3 y old, before there is no real benefit to be in large group settings). So it really depends on the parents and the children what is best.

I was going to say, accidents happen at home all of the time. Some also result in death.

Some parents also hurt, abuse and kill their own children.

Absolutely no guilt here. Both of mine went/go 5 days a week, 8-5. Both adore/d nursery; the staff, the friends, the activities…my DS is 7 now and still great friends with many of the children he was at nursery with. He also says hi and bye each time we pass the building. I believe nursery really helps to develop children holistically.
im a teacher, so get the holidays, however my youngest is going in next week so I can get some work done and also have some much needed 1-2-1 time with my eldest. DD (2.5) will be happy, entertained, educated and well-fed each day, so why would I feel guilty?

I keep accidentally joining these threads that are actually sahm Vs wohm or full time Vs part time working parents. They start off as other topics but they end up back there.

I never did, both my kids went at age 2.5 for the day a week until we got the funding then #2 went 4 days a week because I had secured a part time day time job instead of evening.

It was good for them, time away from me and interacting with other kids and good for me too!

I was very lucky that we didn't need to send ours to childcare but we did because I really believe a change of scenery and being around other kids benefits them.

There are no assumptions there. Just observation and questions.

As you say the significant increase in children in full-time childcare happened circa 20 years ago. Mental health isn't great amongst this age group. Is there a link? It's certainly possible. Time will tell.

As to whether large amounts of nurseries offer poor quality care, we can only look to things life safeguarding (see recent news story on this) and quality of staff/staff retention. The staffing crises in nurseries is well publicised.

My children went to a childminder 3 days a week and I didn’t feel guilty about that as it was a nice balance and I was able to continue working in a job I loved. I never felt bad about them being in childcare when it was a pre-school setting.

However, when they had reached school age I got a promotion which meant working 4/5 days a week and that’s when the guilt started to creep in. Using breakfast clubs and after school clubs every day, as well as them spending the day at school just felt too much for them. They were really tired by the continual long days with no respite, and I felt like me and DH hardly got to see them. I really struggled and after 6 months of trying to make it work I decided to cut back my hours so they only had to do the breakfast club and after school club routine twice a week instead of 4-5 times a week.

Nope. Completely normal in the country that I live in. Childcare is subsidised and available to all at a low price. There are very few SAHMs here as most women prefer to work.

DC stared nursery three “mini” days a week from 18 months. I wasn’t returning to work & I wont be until he starts school next year.

Absolutely no regrets and not an ounce of guilt. I was an infinitely better parent once he started nursery and I had some breathing space. I can now enthusiastically completely focus on him & thoroughly enjoy him 4 days a week (plus after 3.30pm on nursery days) because I’ve had a break & had the chance to do all the other household things that need doing.

If other people can plonk their kids with grandparents while they work, get a break, get on with other things…good for them. We can’t. I’m not parenting 24/7 for 5 years until he’s at school.

DS's went 2 days a week, upped to 3 when their funded hours kicked in, both from approx 10 months.

Like you OP, its made me a better parent and I found the very young stage mind numbingly boring. DH and I are still only 4 days a week at work, but will perhaps look at that when DS2 goes to school.

Theres zero wraparound childcare here, so that does change things a bit. I'd happily use it if it was there though

I do have to say I think an advantage of day nursery is that children get stamina to get used to the long hours. I couldn’t believe when people would go on about how exhausted their children were starting school- my friends and I used to laugh that our children found 6 hours at school part time😂 but then had my second, who didn’t go to nursery due to Covid, and she was absolutely exhausted by school.

They weren’t exhausted by school, they were exhausted because they were being dropped off at breakfast club at 7.30am and then being in after school club until 6pm.

Thats 10.5 hours a day, which can be exhausting hours for children to endure when it’s every single day.

I don't know why you would want your children to develop stamina to deal with really long days aged 4. 7.30 til 6 is a long working day so it's reasonable that a child will be tired by that too.

I didn’t know I was supposed to feel guilty about DD starting nursery when she was 10 months old until I joined Mumsnet. My mum worked, my friends all work, mostly full time. I’d have done DD a terrible disservice if I’d have been a SAHM for 3 years, it’s definitely not my skill set.

I don’t want them to, it’s just a good side effect. Makes them more robust and energetic for after school sports etc when they’re older

I literally feel zero guilt. My daughter goes four days a week. She loves it. I feel a little guilty when on the very odd occasion she has to go five days a week, but only because she likes seeing her grandparents that day. So no, zero guilt. I’d be a crap stay at home mum. And I don’t judge, I really admire stay at home mums.

No I never felt guilty.

neither did my DH.

They are absolutely but the fact was there were things they got from nursery that I could never have given. I wasn’t going to do messy paint play at home, or messy water play or have a sand pit in the garden. I also had very little tolerance for baking with them. I did do lots of outdoor activities with them which were much more my thing. My children caught every bug under the sun and have never had a single day off school for illness! They also went to school with reception skills I never would have taught them at home. I was lucky I was able to work part time, so I got so have a balance of time with them when little and time when I was at work. It was hard as I had to go back to work when mine were 6 months old but thankfully they now can’t remember and seem none the worse for it! So ultimately I don’t feel guilty about them being in nursery, nor do I feel I missed out on anything when they were small.

@Thepeopleversuswork my comment about people choosing to carry on working full-time and using full-time nursery was in a response to your comment that all very well saying what suits your family many people don’t have a choice for children to go full-time, I was just stating that some people do make that choice it is not forced on them. No judgement.

It is a pity though that careers can be wrecked if you go part-time. Interestingly DH is actively demonstrating/promoting in his firm that senior level roles can be part-time and no impact of maternity/shared leave. So people who have had career breaks/work part-time are applying/working towards those roles, which they previously thought were (and they were under previous management) out of reach.

@AquaPeer I think getting the children out the house sounds fine especially if nursery sorts breakfast and lunch etc. but how manageable do you/ others find it to get yourselves ready for the working day ahead. Your breakfast, your shower/ hair/ makeup, sleeping on top of life admin and not forgetting to bring stuff with you (admittedly that last one might just be a ‘me problem’).

I didn’t realise nursery would do things like organise children’s hair cuts - that’s actually a very helpful thing to have taken care of and one less errand to run on the weekend.

admittedly it was a lot easier with a wfh job. My children aren’t especially well behaved, my youngest is a bit of a twerp at times.

my husbands job is largely wfh, so on the days when I have to go to my office he manages drop off and collections, and sorts tea (mainly heats up, as I make it the night before).

we also work 9/10 so we have longer work days and a day in lieu a fortnight.

we meal plan, slow cook, use air fryer and cook in advance (often the night before) and on the occasion my husband works away or is in his office and I do it all. I prep everything the night before (bags, breakfast, dinner for the next day) get up an hr early for time for myself and to get ready, and drop them off for breakfast club and am still in the office for 8:30