To NOT feel guilty that my kids are in childcare?

[Kanfuzed123]

Inspired by the childcare eating a £45k salary and the anti nursery sentiment from a few posters on there as being inferior for a child.

anyone else not feel in the slightest guilty that there kids are in nursery and have been post maternity leave?

yeah when they cried at drop off was rough and I called into the check out they were but that soon settled. They do lovely events for the parents and upload lots of amazing activities they do, they’ve made fantastic friends.

I could’ve reduced my hours but I didn’t, we could’ve maybe managed on one salary (glad we didn’t when rates shot up) but I went back FT when dc 1 was 15 months (used annual leave for part time before then) and dc2 was 13 months.

anyone else just not feel guilty? I like the lifestyle we can get when we’re working, especially since the 15 funded hrs and now 30, it’s so affordable. (Eldest is in school and youngest now has the 30 hrs) bill is less than £400 a month inc club etc. I like having something else to focus on too.

im not alone or am I?

Nursery isn't the best choice for babies (so says the research) but no-one should feel guilty about using it to work and provide for their child. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Whether it's good for society on mass to have the majority of children in (often quite poor quality) group care throughout their childhood we'll have to wait and see. Mental health in young people doesn't seem to be brilliant at the moment, but obviously difficult to ascertain any specific causal link.

I think this idea of two frazzled parents who barely see their child during waking hours is a bit of a meme to be honest. Even more so now so many people can WFH part of the time.

Mornings in my house aren’t stressful at all. We don’t have to ‘cram everything into weekends’ because we have a cleaner who does much of the housework, shopping can be done online etc.

In families with two parents, with modern working patterns, there’s usually some flexibility even when working full time which can accommodate children’s schedules.

My youngest (almost 3) does 7.45-5.30 Monday to Friday, all year round. My middle (almost 5) also did this from age 2 until he started school. My eldest (8) did 3 long days 7-6 then moved to 4 days 8-5 then school hours at pre school until he went to proper school. We occasionally use breakfast club and eldest and middle do holiday club during holidays when needed. No guilt whatsoever.

Is nursery education often quite poor quality?

my dc1 went 4 days a week for a year after mat leave. He sobbed every day and never settled. I felt awful. I quit when he was 2 and now have 2 small people at home with me and the relief is immense. He’s at school preschool now which is much better for our family

Yep, me. I sent my first at 1. It did her no harm, I think? She’s now a medical student. I still think ideally kids are with a parent until 3 ish. I mean, it doesn’t eat me up at night, but yes. I’d have done it differently if I could. My second (twins) were2 when I went back to work. One of them HATED daycare. She’s also a fully functioning almost-adult. But she remembers hating daycare. My son seemed fine.

My two kids LOVE nursery. Best decision for them. DH is a teacher so they get a lot of ‘at home’ time in the holidays but I have zero regrets.
Fab post here OP

Day nursery isn’t a new thing and wasn’t a new thing 15 years ago though? My cousin was in day nursery in 1988. They were run by the council back then 😭

I’m in my 40s and I still have lovely memories from my lovely nursery!

I do think your attitude plays a big part. You’ve focused on positives - activities and friends etc. I was like that. Yes it’s not always perfect but there’s lots of positives.
People I knew who were always looking at the negatives their children were more unsettled.
It was just part of life, you go to nursery, I go to work.
Even negatives at time like getting ill were positives long term, she was absolutely bomb proof illness wise at school barely missed a day.
She’s an older teen now and I’ve never regretted it. She’s social, happy to try new things and I’ve got a career which is important when facing an empty nest.

I work in a fantastic nursery. We plan awesome activities and genuinely care for the children in our setting. They are so loved and happy......and develop very well.

don't feel guilty for finding somewhere brilliant for them!

All my 3 DC went to nursery, and in general, I don’t feel guilty about it. However, there are a few things I wish I could have done differently in hindsight.

DC1 had to go from 5 months, which felt way too young. I wish I could have waited until he was 1, but my work visa required that I return to work and I’d used up every minute of parental leave. Otherwise, he was really happy and loved the experience.

DC2 had a horrible experience at a different nursery and I was able to pull her out at 18 months and keep her home with me until she started pre-school. I never felt comfortable leaving her there.

Im paying a stupid amount of money for the most amazing nursery for DC3, and I couldn’t be happier. Zero guilt whatsoever. He goes 5 days per week during term time (I’m a teacher) from 7:30am - 3:45pm.

So, a mixed experience for me, but in general I’ve never really felt guilty.

Yes.

Staff are obviously the most vital resource, but wages are extremely low leading to low quality staff/inexperienced staff/high staff turnover in many places. There is a big paperwork burden/lots of box ticking which limits how effectively the staff that are there can engage with the children/mould the day to suit individual children.

Not all nurseries. Not at all times. But definitely often enough for it to mean that large numbers of children are not being given brilliant care at least part of the time.

Well if you visit any day nursery in your town it will be full of kids doing 8-6 5 days a week. That’s what they’re there for.

No guilt either, my kids loved it!

If you find a great nursery then the kids thrive.

Never felt guilty. Thanks to my kids being in nursery from a young age, they’re really adaptable and will join in any holiday club that’s going, they don’t hang off my coat tails and I have a successful career as I’ve kept my full time hours. I now earn enough to send DS to private school as he was struggling with dyslexia at his old school.

It's not a new thing, but I think the vast majority of children being there is newish (the last 20 years or so). Every family needing two working parents to survive/flourish is relatively new.

I’m not quite sure what you mean, can you expand on it? You obviously get the children up nappy change dressed teeth and hair then put them in the car and drive to nursery. They usually have breakfast at nursery.

nursery actually takes care of quite a lot for you. Mine did things like having a hairdresser, or a football coach come in.

The vast majority of children def aren’t in nursery full time. It’s clear there aren’t enough day nurseries for that to be the case

My two have both attended nursery. My Ds goes 5 days a week, to two different settings. I don't feel guilty at all about that.

Of course YANBU.

On MN, everyone is keen to say childcare is terrible for kids and they should remain with their mother until school age.

In the real world, 90% of parents I know are happy that their child is in childcare, it provides balance, enables them to work to fund said child's needs, gives them socialisation skills and experiences, bonds with others outside the home, and often a lot of learning too. I don't really meet many people agonising over it because they feel their child would be better off with them full time.

My kid went three days per week from 12m-school and absolutely loved it, made amazing friendships with kids and bonds with adults and hit the ground running at school, exceeding expectations around literacy, maths etc. I wouldn't have taken that experience away from him for the world.

I don’t feel guilty it’s a wasted emotion. We couldn’t have afforded for me to stay home. Our child has thrived in nursery and it’s a really great setting. Plus I only work part time which helps

No guilt. Both DC loved their nursery. Nursery had chickens! Messy play, the beach, and all sorts of amazing spaces, toys and friends, the nursery even had their own cook who took older children for lessons. Both went 3 days a week.

that was a good balance for us and let me stay in work (I wouldn’t have been a good SAHM at all) and also keep paying into my pension.

both DC talk fondly of their nursery (now 14 and 18)

@MidnightPatrol WFH wasn’t such a thing when DS was little. And it’s fine if you have the additional resources to be able to outsource stuff like cleaning. When DS was in nursery we were out of the house by 7.30 and didn’t always get home before 7. So doing that all year round wasn’t going to work or be fair on anyone really!

Must admit during lockdown when everyone was able to WFH was great without work commute/school bus journey. So we managed to have much more quality time together.

WFH can be a game changer, especially if long commutes were previously involved

Research is patchy and mostly American based, where daycare is a very different kettle of fish to private day nurseries in the UK.

What research (as well as common sense) does tell us is that poverty is the biggest marker and cause of misery, ill health and social isolation. I don’t judge anyone for seeking to avoid that.