Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

Was it definitely about you

Yes thanks - he could so easily be an arse like the blokes on Ops call. Instead he would not have behave like her manager, he’s have used his position to speak up for her… that’s what allies do.

I apologise if I responded with too much acid to @Trolleysaregoodforemployment reply given her dyslexia. However, it’s not snobbery to point out that if senior directors/CEOs and CFOs happily step away from calls to take answer the door, like OP did and for which she has been accused of being unprofessional - and therefore for some fucked up reason almost deserving of the misogyny she received.

Dumb of them to talk about you on a live call but you’ve said yourself you weren’t coming across well. Have you really never slagged off a colleague after a meeting that was a waste of time.

if you need to work with these people I’d send an email direct saying your comments were heard and I’m very unimpressed. I have a great deal of experience and knowledge so if that didn’t come across in the meeting I can only apologies but I hope to receive an apology from you and then we can draw a line and move forward with this project. Regards op.

Re answering the door when wfh. I cringe when it happens but I’ve had to leave occasionally to do this and it’s accepted in my work. We also all seem to have had puppies over the last 3 years so popping off a call to open the door is fine too. I can always hear the call even when not on screen and that’s our expectation. I once started a meeting with my director and a couple of others by saying I’m going to pour a coffee but I can still hear you. (I had been on back to back calls with no opportunity to drink or wee).

Depending on the situation / seniority, I would have either come straight back onto the call and say, ‘Gentleman, you forget yourselves’ and give them a very hard stare. Otherwise, I would have returned to the call and been icily professional. Mind you, I would not leave a call to answer the door unless it was with someone I knew well, I certainly wouldn’t interrupt a meeting with people I had just met.

Blimey! Where do you work, 1957?! That is a terrible response - I’m so sorry, please know that you are not alone. Something similar happened to me, it happens a lot more than ppl realise and it always reflects more on the perpetrators so please don’t internalise any of this utter BS.

Definitely flag it - if anything, these two “colleagues” are a problem for the company, if they can’t behave professionally in meetings. Imagine if you were an external client!

Yes - my clients often let me know they’re expecting a delivery and it’s fine, it only takes a minute or two to answer the door.

Precisely. Can't believe people jump to "report it" when it's tittle tattle most people would raise above and improve their performance on the next call.

Could be why productivity in the UK never increases, all the feeble minded busy reporting each other!

They will no doubt do this with an external client and be disciplined soon. I have heard of this happening and both people were dismissed for gross misconduct without references. A disappointing response from the OP’s manager.

I think emailing both men, letting them know that you overhead and are appalled, and ccing in your useless manager is the only way forward. Do not apologise, and definitely do not just let this go and accept what these revolting men said as a compliment, as some very odd people have suggested. This isn't the 70s and their comments were completely unacceptable and unprofessional.

Pull the fuckers on every word and watch them squirm. Horrible bitches. Nasty and no fucking need for that shit! Hope you are ok xxx

No need for them to be so nasty though. Bang out of order.

This is awful. Definitely report it. How stupid and heartless of them.

I remember being at a contractors office and the person I was meeting with asked me to follow him and he'd ask one of the admin team to run a report for us. We walked behind her desk and she was eating a croissant or something, and he said "oh Jane sorry to interrupt your breakfast, VapeVamp from XYZ company needs......." she interjected at this point still facing away from us "ha, she needs to stop eating".

I'm a size 14, not huge but not skinny.

I was so mortified. We went back to his office and tried to carry on talking but I was trying to not burst into tears. I don't particularly care what people think of me but myself and the admin person had gotten on well in the past and it really hurt me. It was awful.

The guy called me the next day to profusely apologise, I think he was really embarrassed.

I wouldnt report it as they will deny it and support each other to defend each other. Then its them vs you. Instead I would email both of them seperately saying your husband got the door, so you stayed at the computer and heard what they said about you (i wouldnt state what it was as they may have said other things you missed - keep them guessing). I would say you are extremely dissapointed by their unprofessional sexist behaviour and that you are considering reporting them to HR. Let them sweat it out and come grovelling to you. I would do an emailed record to yourself of what happened for your own records in case it happens again.

Not great at all and I’d call them out on it, but at least they think you’re good looking!

She said that I should be glad to still be getting compliments given the stress of motherhood and to enjoy it whilst it lasts as she longs for the days when men found her attractive!

Where do you work? This feels like something out of The Office! I’d actually consider going to HR about all of them, your manager included.

Quote. Not sure whether I’d rather be pulled up for a bitchy comment or incompetence

Yes, this. I never quite get the ‘report, report, report’ mentality

*holes, I don't think it's worth reporting but I would mess with them ...find an opportunity to try and drop the same phrases that they did into conversations, like oh gee xyz really is making this hard work, sigh, it's lucky that xyz is pretty because.....look them dead in the eye and watch it slowly dawn on them that I heard what they said... Then get straight back to business and never mention it again... 😊

I think you’re conflating a bunch of posts and responded to this one based on some accumulated grievance with the way others work.

It depends on the workplace of course; if your workplace values you for your constant presence at your desk alone, then you have a point. Fortunately that hasn’t been my experience in most jobs as an adult, where my contribution has been more widely evaluated than whether my bum is on my seat at all times. If that’s the culture of your workplace, no wonder you’re annoyed.

Good lord, are you from the 50s? Bragging about your husband's job and income. So sad.

I just don’t get how ignoring a knock at the door makes you ‘a responsible adult’, or how sitting there ignoring it makes you more professional than someone who says ‘please give me a moment’ and deals with it and the returns to the call. Honestly I think it makes you seem a bit odd.

Don’t bother.people do talk about others.it’s just by chance that you heard.Move on like an adult.

Annoyed? No. Surprised that many defend the OP’s lack
of professionalism. I do not WFH or in an office-based job and would not relish either.

If you don’t WFH or in an office, why bother with such strong opinions about what is, or isn’t, acceptable in those settings?

How do you know they were talking about you ?