Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

[AndreaGreen]

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

Agree.

WFH can be very efficient at times, but trying to justify answering the door or other domestic chores during a meeting is ridiculous. I am shocked at how many people think it is normal or professional!

I do it in some meetings but not others. It depends on the type of meeting, who is in it and how involved I am at that particular point. Others do it too. A meeting in the office can also have interruptions, it’s about weighing it up based on the full context

You would do it on a meeting where you had never met the other attendees before?

Agreed

It would depend on the meeting/ who else was in it/ what was being discussed etc. If I was the one talking to people I hadn’t met before then probably not but if one of my colleagues was and I knew I wouldn’t miss anything/could catch up easily and wouldn’t really be missed then I might. It all depends on the context of the meeting and that specific moment

I frequently answer the door. If I know a parcel is coming I warn people at the beginning of the meeting it might happen. I've done it on client calls where I know the people. I probably only wouldn't do it during a job interview or very important new client. It seems to be common (ie I see other people and clients do it all the time) and not a big deal.

Exactly - it should be a judgement call according to situation and circumstance, not an entitlement because “it’s normal in my company”

I spoke to my manager but probably shouldn’t have bothered. She wasn’t in the best of moods as stressed with work and I could tell I didn’t have her full attention (regularly looking to her second screen and typing). I did mention the appearance related comment and had to explain it a couple of times because she wasn’t fully listening.

She says they shouldn’t have said it and if I wanted to report it, she’d support me but also said without a recording as evidence, it will be very hard to prove. What also annoyed me is she said that I should be glad to still be getting compliments given the stress of motherhood and to enjoy it whilst it lasts as she longs for the days when men found her attractive!

I am just going to leave it - I don’t work Friday afternoon’s so will try to enjoy the sun and forget about it.

It doesn't need to be 'proved'.

Sorry this happened. It's not ok at all and neither are some posters comments about your performance (based off one shitty day 🙄) as if that justifies the awful comments you heard.

IIWM next time I spoke to these two knuckle draggers I'd say just FYI I did hear your comments in the last meeting about my appearance and having an off day. Just want to reassure you Im not going to take it further this time, and in future if you have any feedback please raise it in a more appropriate way.

Then follow that up with a "as discussed" message so you have it noted down.

Tossers 😡

Your manager sounds like a prick too. Why do people think they can talk like this?

Oh, dear. Your manager is part of the problem – sounds like a backwards culture where you work.

No I am not. Colleagues talk behind each others backs and bitch about each other all the time. Its been the case everywhere I've worked. And that can in some/most? cases be interpreted as some form of discrimination/elitism/ablism/racisim etc esp when you put "my truth" into the mix. Sounds like they were commenting on OPs unprofessionalism for just wandering off during a meeting to pick up a delivery and her generally not being quite there because she hadn't had a good night. Looks like they've picked up on it! They clearly aren't the cleverest either as they did it during a teams call. Upping and leaving to pick up a parcel during a meeting isn't giving women in the workplace a very good reputation which they fought very hard for! The OP herself has admitted that she didn't perform too well during the meeting...so...

What part of “it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains” is a comment on her professionalism?

"The OP herself has admitted that she didn't perform too well during the meeting...so..."

.....so..... what does that have to do with her looks?

The context here is that the OP had not me the other two attendees. They were out of order and it does need addressing, but it was also unprofessional of the OP to leave to answer the door.

Taking the piss by answering the door occasionally? So what, maybe 15 minutes out of a 40 hour week? I refuse to believe you’re serious.

In some offices I’ve worked at it would take longer to get to the toilet and back. There is no reason someone cannot deal with minor occasional disturbances and complete their work.

Unless you have someone else at home to answer the door, I’m not sure what else you’d do? Would you really just ignore it?

There’s a big difference between booking the weekly shop to arrive in work hours and receiving a parcel or signed for letter at a random time. Lots of people don’t choose to work from home, it’s imposed and that means working from a non-professional environment where there isn’t a reception team or security to manage those things. It also means that the people have more deliveries, because they spend less time outside to buy things. It’s just not a hill to die on, I’d never make my colleagues feel bad for it.

Whether I knew them or not I'd have said 'can you excuse me a moment' and answered the door. Only on MN are people glued to their seats, not speaking to anyone other than colleagues.

I’m very serious. Most professional people manage to conduct a meeting without needing the toilet , never mind answering the door, or the office based equivalent. Given that many WFH Mumsnetters claim to also regularly take breaks to see to the washing, make coffee/lunch and take the dog for a walk, I do think it’s unacceptable.

Or just giggle to each other and make an inside joke out of it

Slightly hyperbolic. DH regularly has to answer the door during meetings if no-one is around — they are as often couriers with highly confidential documents needing signatures as they are gaming merch for my teens. The CFO and CEO of his company (FTSE 100) all do it. This is considered within the realm of normal and acceptable in most global corporations where you have hybrid and WFH scenarios.

Don't know where you want to go with this complaint. Best case scenario they'll get a stern talking to, worst case scenario they'll see it as a threat and find ways/reasons to retaliate and bring up every mistake you've made on the job.

I would definitely say something. I would have said 'you do realise I can here you'. This was out of order.

Given what your manager said too this sounds like a workplace culture issue. 100% report it, please. Even if not for you, someone else might have the same things happen to them and then there’s more evidence to support them. And record your meetings from now on. So sorry this happened to you. The f’ers saying take it as a compliment are idiots - ignore them.

also, love someone’s idea of sending an email to them both saying “apols for cutting meeting short, was upset with what I heard you say (then say exactly what you heard).” They’ll shit bricks. And BCC your line manager so there’s no chance they can claim they didn’t know.

Please protect yourself. This is the stuff you’ll ruminate on in years to come and wish you’d done more.

highly confidential documents needing signatures as they are gaming merch for my teens.

That's made my weekend. This country is screwed.

What do I do? I act professionally when I am in a meeting. I may not always be on my a game, but I always act professionally. It's called being a responsible adult.