Finances post baby - how would you split?

[Jeje100]

I would welcome views on this - pre baby/mat leave, DP and I both worked full time and split mortgage/bills equally - he earns double my salary.

I’m going back on roughly 50% of my hours on the same salary (pro-rata’d of course), with DP’s salary still double.

Would you expect DP to now pay say c.75% of all bills, or more given that now I’m earning less each month, I won’t have much left over post settling my share?

Not necessarily depending on income. Daycare costs way less than my husband’s salary. I paid to work for a few months when we had two kids in daycare but once you factor in pension it was about even and only temporary.

my husband and I make financial decisions together so I’m with the majority here that you can’t just decide to work part time and have him fund that. I’d say you continue as per your previous agreement as he never agreed to anything else but he pays you nursery rates for the time you’re looking after your child without a cost.

but I think the whole setup is wrong for many reasons.

Working parents raise their children too.

Absolutely they do - so if you chose to stay at home or go PT that’s a privilege.Thats my point, going PT is a privilege that has a value.

Yep agree

OP
How is he proposing childcare is split?
Suspect as he earns more he'll say that ' it makes more sense' that you take time off for sickness / drop offs / pick ups etc

We used to pay equal amounts into our joint account to cover 50% of bills/food/house expenses each and keep whatever was left. Since mat leave, and me returning to work part time, we pay all of our wages into the joint account and keep £200 a month each pocket money. So it works out DH pays much more than me towards bills, but we have the same amount left over.

To my mind, this is the only fair way once you have reduced your wages for the benefit of the family.

Hopefully you're better paid than we are and get to keep more than £200 each 🤣

In ideal circumstances, I would expect him to pay bills such that you each end up with the same amount of discretionary income. Noting very importantly that child related expenses of any kind are not supposed to come out of your discretionary spending fund.

In your circumstances, I would go back to work full-time. I would refuse to do more than half of drop-offs or pick-ups. I would only cover half of sick days and school closures. I would only cover half of doctor’s appts.

he had not given you any reason to trust that you can rely on him. He is outright telling you he doesn’t want to take on more of the financial burden. That is something you have to accept. However, you do not have to accept being the only one whose career is impacted by having this baby.

If you’re both acting individually (financially) not as a team then one way to look at it is that you each need to take financial responsibility for your childcare choices.

He is choosing childcare instead of cutting/compressing his hours so he should pay for that for half the week.

You are choosing to care for the child yourself and are paying for that (through reduction in your current salary, pension contributions and future earning potential).

You may (both) need to be prepared to reduce your standard of living if you can’t now afford that now childcare costs are taken into account. You (individually) may need to be confident saying “no I can’t afford takeaway, I’m having beans on toast” if you need to. He may have to make a choice whether he cuts his “standards” to match what you can afford (ie you both have beans on toast) or whether he’s happy for you to have different lifestyles or subsidise you.

Your standing agreement that you each pay 50% of other bills shouldn’t change. (I think splitting that way is unfair for a couple but fine.)

We decided on a set amount to leave in our own accounts each month that was equal (covered lunches at work, clothes, day to day spending etc) and the rest went into the joint account for all the joint stuff.

I put in about 4x what he does, but we have equal "spending" money if that makes sense

Well that very much depends on who earns what, and the relative cost of childcare?

My take home pay is double the cost of a nursery place per day, and that's before extra pension and free hours etc

I think the problem with doing ratio:ratio for bills is it really doesn't take into consideration the lack of career progression available while you devote your time to kids, or the inevitable extra work you'll be picking up raising your joint DC and looking after your home.

You obviously both need to be on the same page, but IMO the only way to be equitable partners is to divide the money equally, regardless of who earns what. So all in one pot of joint current and saving accounts, and both have the same amount to spend on themselves a month.

I used to be the higher earner, and we tried a number of different financial splits. 50/50 when we started living together, but that went out the window when my DP lost his job during the pandemic. Then a ratio when he had a part time job while retraining, but that didn't leave him with much and didn't feel fair. We ended up splitting the fun money equally, at my suggestion, and tbh it's worked so well for us. Now he's the (much) higher earner and it's still working well for both of us. I reduced my hours at work to 4 days, which we both agreed on, and pick up more of the life admin.

But surely that’s contributing half minus the money they won’t be spending on childcare? Money after all only being one of the myriad of things people contribute to a household and a relationship and a family.

I absolutely agree that these things need to be decided as a couple rather than announced; but equally, all contributions need to be valued. Currently it seems that money is used against the OP and that shouldn’t be the case in a loving and equal relationship.

2 excellent long posts on P5, from
@MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble
@MissScarletInTheBallroom

It’s not always a privilege.

Conversely he wasn’t happy about it.

It’s a privilege to be able to choose. Like OP.

Tbh the red flag here is that pre baby your partner (I note, not husband, which is important) earned double what you did but bills were split equally.
The writing was on the wall even before the baby came along that this was not a partnership.
I wouldn't have had a baby with someone of that mindset.

She chose without her partners agreement.

Whats your point 🤯👕

I seems that you have fallen into the trap of believing that a relationship and it’s finances should be based upon equality. It shouldn’t it should be about trying to achieve equity.

Equality is about black and whites. It says that to be fair and equal in something everyone must put in the same amount. It treats everyone the same regardless of individual circumstance.

Equity understands difference and nuance, the greys in things. It understands that everyone comes to something with different needs and circumstances and then aims to divvy up resources and utilise our differences to then try and ensure fairness in a situation.

Equality works really well in some things - how to split the hotel costs for group of friends going away together for instance.

A relationship needs equity.

Ideally it should be discussed and agreed. However, if the OP had gone back full time , would her partner have done half of all drop
off/ pick ups/ illness cover? Do they both work similar hours because full time hours/ commute times etc vary. I understand it comes from a place of privilege being able to chose, but if you can, what is wrong with saying it’s actually better for our family of I am part time. It’s not all about maximising earnings if someone is pushed to their limit, and that choice could be made. I have tried both and we are all much happier me working part time. Which again I know I am lucky, but we did downsize our house to be able to do that as I was the higher earner.

OP what happened when you were on maternity leave?

Did you continue to receive your full salary?

Did you continue to cover half of the bills?

How long were you off for?

Did DP take paternity leave?

Did DP pay you anything to compensate you for the childcare you provided/the money that was saved on nursery fees? Has he suggested paying you compensation for this going forward?

I think you do need to have an open and honest conversation, because if he still wants separate finances then he needs to recognise the financial contribution you have made in the form of childcare.

Bit late now but you’ve left yourself really vulnerable financially. You’re the lower earner, you’re part time and you’re not married. It’s fine not to be career minded but you do need to be savvy.

What does your DP think is fair now that you are earning so much less?

@Italiandreams

You're right when you say ideally it should be discussed and agreed...but in this case it wasn't agreed.

You were also aware that to go PT you were willing to downsize inorder to do so.
OP went PT but also wants to move house which in their own words will be creating larger mortgage repayments... and possibly increased other bills...