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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

135 replies

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:47

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 10/04/2025 15:50

YANBU not to want to contribute but you shouldn’t really have agreed to begin with.
Your DH sounds lazy if you’ve had to pay to handy men.
I also wouldn’t even consider spending that much money on kids for Easter, personally, but they’re your kids and it’s your money

Mlb123 · 10/04/2025 15:51

Yes I think it's fine . Tell your husband that instead of giving you 50 towards the eggs he can pay that to the funeral . If he still objects then looks like he only expects your money back be used to pay towards it considering it was your money you spent on eggs yet he's griping could have gone to the funeral costs! Xx

justkeepswimingswiming · 10/04/2025 15:53

sorry But if there’s no money, then he’ll have to have a paupers funeral with nobody there and be cremated. That’s just how it is.

ARichtGoodDram · 10/04/2025 15:54

If your MIL is on benefits and js the one responsible for the funeral then she can claim a Funeral Expenses Payment from the DWP. It won't cover everything but it's something she can do if she gets the right benefits

SadCarpetMess · 10/04/2025 15:55

Your partner's grandparent's funeral is not your concern. It sounds to me as if he's massively taking advantage of you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/04/2025 15:55

I think the £100 on Easter gifts is a total red herring, @easterhun. Even if you hadn’t spent that much, £100 is a drop in the ocean of funeral costs.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong by prioritising your home and your family.

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/04/2025 15:56

YANBU not to contribute to the funeral.

YABU to have spent such a daft amount on your kids for Easter. An Easter egg used to be the appropriate gift.

Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:56

Yes OH is very lazy, he dosent parent our kids and I do everything.

He earns way more than me as well, like triple.

The flat packs have been sat here for months, he won’t even put a curtain rail up in our youngest sons room.

OP posts:
Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:59

We have 4 kids and it’s just personalised baskets, Easter eggs and a few toys really.
The last set of baskets got lost when we moved home.

OH is saying the funeral will be like £5,000 and not including the cost of the wake.

His mom is on benefits but I think her siblings work.

OP posts:
Naunet · 10/04/2025 16:00

He sounds like a lazy, entitled prick. It's not your job to pay for someone funeral that you've never even met, of course your priority is your kids. What is this man adding to your life?

Mlb123 · 10/04/2025 16:00

ARichtGoodDram · 10/04/2025 15:54

If your MIL is on benefits and js the one responsible for the funeral then she can claim a Funeral Expenses Payment from the DWP. It won't cover everything but it's something she can do if she gets the right benefits

Very good point that she can claim the funeral grant it's something a child can claim for a parent and a grandchild would not be able to unless only surviving relative and that's as it isn't considered the grandchildrens responsibility. Anyway how could you be sure the money would go on the funeral. I'm sure the mil knows about the funeral grant but hasn't mentioned it . You could get her the information and show your dp if you want to be 'helpful'. There is no way you should pay towards it as you wouldn't know for sure it would be used for that. Why they could get money off various relatives snd the funeral grant snd money left over of course she is unlikely to give back . No don't contribute. Lt do sulk xx

Crunchymum · 10/04/2025 16:01

This sounds like a bigger problem than the cost of the funeral.

I cannot believe not one person in your partners family has had the foresight to save for an eventuality like this (death of an elderly person in residential care!)

Now all the usual questions - How long have you been together? Does your partner work? Who's name is the house in? Is he your DC's father? How are your finances split? Unfortunately I suspect your answers to a few of these questions is going to throw up more issues than the funeral.

Crunchymum · 10/04/2025 16:03

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:56

Yes OH is very lazy, he dosent parent our kids and I do everything.

He earns way more than me as well, like triple.

The flat packs have been sat here for months, he won’t even put a curtain rail up in our youngest sons room.

Cross posted with this response.

Yes you definitely have bigger issues than the funeral.

Kipperandarthur · 10/04/2025 16:03

If your OH earns way more than you, why is he asking for you to contribute?
This isn't your responsibility.

lazycats · 10/04/2025 16:04

If he earns 3 times more than you then of course he’s being ridiculous. There’s nothing else to say

Mlb123 · 10/04/2025 16:05

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:59

We have 4 kids and it’s just personalised baskets, Easter eggs and a few toys really.
The last set of baskets got lost when we moved home.

OH is saying the funeral will be like £5,000 and not including the cost of the wake.

His mom is on benefits but I think her siblings work.

Nobody needs to have a 5000 funeral and yes the government will look at the fact thr mil siblings work and will alter the grant to fit but a basic funeral with a humanist service or even a church service and casket can be done much less than 5000. After all the grandparent doesn't need the flash funeral he's dead but if his children want that then they can choose that but pay themselves . You've paid for work on your home yourself so why should you pay funeral fees . Your dp can pay without you but is trying to guilt you into paying and by wanting you to spend less on his children. Shocking. Seems they aren't as much a priority to him as looking generous to his mother but without having to pay it himself xxx

rainbowstardrops · 10/04/2025 16:09

If he’s earning way more than you then why is he asking you to tribute? It’s up to him and his family how they work it out. Oh and they don’t need to pay much for a wake. We had my mum’s at my house with a few sandwiches and nibbles and drinks.

user1492757084 · 10/04/2025 16:12

If he is asking you to contribute to funeral costs, you have a right to ask that he choose the cheapest funeral options.
Has he done that? Has he chosen a budget casket?
Councils and hospitals will often assist with helping advise on affordable funerals.

You should not feel obligated to help pay for the funeral.

After the burial, suggest that he takes out prepaid funeral packages for his parent.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 10/04/2025 16:12

I don’t see why he’s commenting on how you spend your money if you aren’t married.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 10/04/2025 16:18

Funeral costs are normally deducted from the estate of the deceased, so why isn't that happening? Most people will have enough in the way of furniture, electrical items and other assets which could be sold to pay for their own funeral.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/04/2025 16:26

Sounds like there are about 5 relatives who might feasibly contribute: your OH, his mum and her other kids. They can take out a loan for a grand each and pay for it that way, or do something a lot cheaper. Your OH is very cheeky to expect a contribution from you given his earnings and how lazy he is.

Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 16:31

Hi
So we have been together 12 years and have 4 kids together.

House is in both our names, he works full time and I work part time.

OH is the wealthiest in his family as he has a very skilled job but he hasn’t worked for 4 months or so due to helping look after his other grandparent who had a stroke and it’s touch and go at the minute if they he pull through.

And OH has said if his grandfather passes away it will be another cost.

I didn’t know about the help towards funerals from the council I will pass it on to OH? Thank you for sharing that.

Both his grandparents had never worked and relied on benefits and they are/were poor with very little assets, OH would often give them money for food, bills etc.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 10/04/2025 16:33

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:56

Yes OH is very lazy, he dosent parent our kids and I do everything.

He earns way more than me as well, like triple.

The flat packs have been sat here for months, he won’t even put a curtain rail up in our youngest sons room.

I think you have bigger problems than the funeral cost in that case

CarpetKnees · 10/04/2025 16:46

YANBU at all to not contribute to the cost of the funeral

YWBU to say you would, then back track

YABU to spend £100 on Easter eggs et al, but this is a red herring, as it is not your responsibility to be paying for the funeral of your partner's grandparent.

As has been said, the family ABU not to have given this any thought previously. But, if they don't have the money, then they have to cut their cloth to suit and not spend £5K even before the Reception.

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