Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

135 replies

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:47

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 16:50

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:56

Yes OH is very lazy, he dosent parent our kids and I do everything.

He earns way more than me as well, like triple.

The flat packs have been sat here for months, he won’t even put a curtain rail up in our youngest sons room.

Why didn't you do the flat packs and the curtain rail?

Goldenboysmum · 10/04/2025 17:05

It was my mums funeral last week, cost £4500

Ways to save money

Humanist £200, get a family member to deliver the eulogy

2 family cars £440, no cars

Order of ceremony £120, get someone to print them on A4 paper or do without.

Embalming £130, don't have to embalm

There's almost £900 that we could have saved. A cheaper coffin would have saved a bit more as well

But mum left money to cover the cost.

We also spent £400 on the wake, but they could have tea and sandwiches/cake at someone's house.

Funeral Flowers are expensive, but a nice bouquet from Marks is about £20

Yellowtulipsdancing · 10/04/2025 17:13

If your OH does not have 10k to pay for 2 relatives funerals, then if not claim money for first one, the grandparents will have to have a state funeral which he cannot attend. With no wake.

his choice to not earn, have savings or spend time doing house jobs you pay for.

DinoLil · 10/04/2025 17:19

The cost of the funeral will surely come out of the estate??

LumpyandBumps · 10/04/2025 17:23

Has he considered a direct cremation? My sister did this for her DH. At a later date she held a celebration of his life event at her house, which included a wake. ( we all contributed food and drink).
Direct cremation costs start from around £1200.
The deceased person doesn’t need a wake. If the family want one then maybe they could all chip in. It doesn’t have to be lavish.

LlynTegid · 10/04/2025 17:23

You lost my support when you said about the £100 on Easter eggs.

JLou08 · 10/04/2025 17:26

If he was close to his grandfather, which he obviously weren't if he hasn't bothered introducing his wife and kids whilst his grandfather was in residential care, I'd be more inclined to support it. However, as well as him clearly not giving a shit about his grandfather, he already out earns you, doesn't help with parenting, doesn't do jobs around the house leaving you out of pocket to pay for them, so I don't think he deserves anything.

crumblingschools · 10/04/2025 17:29

Are you married?

19lottie82 · 10/04/2025 17:30

Your partner does not need to spend £5k on a funeral. He can look at cheaper options. Then deduct the funeral grant and split the rest between all other immediate relatives.

https://www.coop.co.uk/funeralcare/funeral-services/simple

and YANBU, it is not your job to contribute towards this.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2025 17:43

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:59

We have 4 kids and it’s just personalised baskets, Easter eggs and a few toys really.
The last set of baskets got lost when we moved home.

OH is saying the funeral will be like £5,000 and not including the cost of the wake.

His mom is on benefits but I think her siblings work.

Why are you with him?

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2025 17:45

LlynTegid · 10/04/2025 17:23

You lost my support when you said about the £100 on Easter eggs.

£25 per child on an egg and some toys isn't that extravagant

Some people buy toys all through the year. Maybe the OP chooses to do it on 'special' days like Easter

That's what we've always done

Doesn't mean they're drowning in chocolate

Cadenza12 · 10/04/2025 17:46

Firstly a funeral really doesn't need to be £5k. Secondly public funds may be available for those who can't afford it. Tell them to look into it. Looks like you're being taken for a ride.

AprilShowers25 · 10/04/2025 18:01

Obviously the body needs burying or cremating but I think the other associated costs for a funeral are unnecessary, paying hundreds for flowers for example, I just don’t see the point!

scotstars · 10/04/2025 18:16

MIL.should be entitled to funeral grant if she is on certain benefits and is person responsible for organising a funeral

ChickenBananas · 10/04/2025 18:16

Tell them to get a paupers public health funeral. Will be free.

scotstars · 10/04/2025 18:19

I'd be reminding your partner how much you have spent on tradespeople due to being let down by him and his friends. That could have gone to the funeral

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2025 18:24

My Mums funeral was less than £5000 and we didn't scrimp on anything.
They can't afford a £5000 funeral and you shouldn't have agreed to contribute, especially since he earns more than you and its his family anyway
He sounds pretty awful in many ways and this is just the tip of the iceberg

notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 19:07

DinoLil · 10/04/2025 17:19

The cost of the funeral will surely come out of the estate??

Edited

There isn’t one.

Calamitousness · 10/04/2025 19:17

If the next of kin is his mum then she will get benefits to pay for the funeral. I know there is a fund you can apply for if you are on benefits. I used to give people the forms when dealing with newly bereaved families. It will only pay for the funeral though and not the food/bar after. Is that what they’re seeking funds for?

TheHerboriste · 10/04/2025 19:18

Naunet · 10/04/2025 16:00

He sounds like a lazy, entitled prick. It's not your job to pay for someone funeral that you've never even met, of course your priority is your kids. What is this man adding to your life?

This.
Why are they all so shiftless??

FortyElephants · 10/04/2025 19:20

Why would the funeral cost £5000 not including the wake? My mum's cost £4k including the wake. My dad got £1800 towards it due to being on pension credits.

FortyElephants · 10/04/2025 19:20

DinoLil · 10/04/2025 17:19

The cost of the funeral will surely come out of the estate??

Edited

You know some people die without £5000 in the bank and no assets right??

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 19:22

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:56

Yes OH is very lazy, he dosent parent our kids and I do everything.

He earns way more than me as well, like triple.

The flat packs have been sat here for months, he won’t even put a curtain rail up in our youngest sons room.

If he earns triple what you do, why can't he afford to pay for the funeral?

Silvertulips · 10/04/2025 19:23

You’d be better off with out him.