To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

[easterhun]

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

I’d tell him that your savings went on employing the handyman who was needed to make your home safe, so you no longer have the money available.

Are you also paying all mortgage/bills if your OH has given up work to care for other GP? Why are the wider family not pulling their weight?

I told him this morning again that I can’t afford to contribute anything to the funeral considering the money I have spent on the handyman doing all the outstanding jobs to make the house safe.

I also informed him that it’s not my responsibility as it’s not my family and I have the children to think of and put first.

Every little thing he tries to argue with me against like the kids don’t need a wardrobe and to make do with the wardrobe rail.

I also told him not to ask me to buy his mum or siblings Xmas/birthday presents (as he has done previously) and again my priority is my children.

He does pay me money for food, bills, etc but it’s not enough, because I do all the buying I don’t think he realises how expensive it is having children.

It’s like I get he is going through a difficult time but what about his own children who are starting to feel neglected?

His mum puts everything on him as he is the one with the nice car/house etc so he must have plenty of money.

He even had the cheek to ask me why I couldn’t assemble the flat packs, and where would I exactly find the time with cooking, washing, working part time and looking after 4 children?

He really believes because I am a woman it is my role to cook went clean for a man.

I don’t have a car at the minute and every time I want a lift somewhere he charges me petrol money because it is one of those Sports Audi’s, I have stopped cooking for him now as the balance in the relationship is very unfair.

My neighbour had a none attendance funereal we didn't even know that was 1000

The father of your four children who doesn't pay his way and wants you to pay for his grandmother's funeral charges you petrol money?

Why are you even with him?

I don’t have a car at the minute and every time I want a lift somewhere he charges me petrol money because it is one of those Sports Audi

Jesus fucking Christ! Why, why, WHY, are you with this man?

I hope your next step towards evening the balance is to boot him out. He’s not a dad or a partner.

If he sells his sports Audi he could buy a secondhand car which doesn't guzzle so much gas and which can actually fit all his children in it and he will probably have enough money left over to pay for his granny's funeral.

There.

Problem solved.

It's taken 4 children and 12 years and you still don't seem to appreciate what a waste of space he is.

Is a sports Audi a particularly practical and useful car for life with 4 children?

He sounds like an egotistical manchild with ridiculous priorities (flash car, being the big I am and fronting cash for his waster family) while not acting in the best interests of his children (safe house, decent meals, sharing the parenting, child friendly days out and occasional treats). Dont even get started on demanding petrol money and funeral funding. Can he not see how stupid the situation is?

He charges you for petrol if he needs to drive you somewhere!!

The kids don't need a wardrobe but he needs a sports car and needs you to pay for his feckless grandparents funeral... aye.

This.
But you should have said so at the first time of asking.

Op, next time he asks, suggest he sells the fancy Audi and buys an MG or some cheaper marque, thereby releasing some cash for his loved ones wake.

He sounds like a complete tosser.

From the start of the thread, I was definitely with you on it is not your responsibility to pay for the funeral of someone

• you aren't related to
• You have no relationship with
• You haven't even met !
• Who has 8 children of their own...... presumably also quite a few son and daughter in laws.

This shouldn't even come down to the Grandchildren, let alone their partners.

But, since your update today, I now realise this is a much bigger issue.
I'm not one to suggest people leave their partners easily, but what exactly is he adding to your life ?

Charging you petrol indeed. Catch yourself on about how unbalanced your relationship is. Is that what you want to model to your dc ? Let alone the way you want to live your life ?

The funeral of some dead layabout isn’t the issue here. You have bigger worries OP.

Am I the only one who saw that the oh hasn't been working for the last 4 months as he's looking after the other grandparent? How can he afford that? Why isn't his mother looking after her parent?

£5k on a funeral that no one can afford is ridiculous.

unfortunately he needs cremating and a few nibbles at someone’s house. His mother or granfather should’ve been putting money aside for it.

him being a lazy parent is a seperate issue. I don’t think asking for a donation from your partner is unreasonable. However if you haven’t got it, you haven’t got it.

Sorry he has 8 kids and they can’t rummage it up between the 8 of them?!?

No, if he was not decent partner, who contributes time and energy to his family.

Why is he even asking you when he is earning triple your income, he is lazy and greedy.

I think this is the least of your worries… why are you with him?

He charges his partner for a lift in his car?

then do not cook, wash his clothes etc for him.

honestly, a partnership is what is needed.

have you got your financial affairs in order?

Get rid and then get maintenance

You'll be better off

£100 on Easter eggs/gifts! That's obscene.

When you say OH, is it your boyfriend or husband? If boyfriend, I definitely would not contribute. You could lend him money but I probably wouldn't do that either. I possibly would contribute if it's your husband but not if you can't afford it.

Why the judgement on what people choose to spend on their children?

It's £25 per child and who knows what gets spent on them the rest of the year?

I don’t have a car at the minute and every time I want a lift somewhere he charges me petrol money because it is one of those Sports Audi’s,

Sorry, what now? Please tell me you don't actually pay him. I'd tell him "the day I pay petrol money to you, is the day you pay me to wash your scuzzy underwear!"
Why is your bar so low?