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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

135 replies

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:47

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddawgs · 12/04/2025 17:44

He’s the kind of man that ain’t looking out for your joint kids together. If you leave him, or die before he does, he’ll forget about his kids in no time. Such a deadbeat dad, they’re better off without him. I know the pain of having a deadbeat dad; let him go if he’s not making the effort with them.

Hollyhobbi · 12/04/2025 17:58

Op you haven’t answered my question about your dp not working for 4 months cause he’s looking after another grandparent?

Original poster
easterhun · 12/04/2025 23:15

Yeah so basically his nan had dementia and had been in a residential care since Covid and he saw him nan twice as he got sick of his relatives asking him for lifts.

His nan had a rapid decline this year and it’ll the family were told that they were guessing it would be her final months as she wasn’t eating and getting worse etc.
So he got laid of his job for taking too much time of work (self employed) and decided to help his family with lifts, seeing his nan every day etc.

All in all he is a very selfish person, argumentative, opinionated and just awful to be around.
I would actually class him as verbally abusive as the way he talks to me is really bad.

And yes if I need a lift I will have to pay him
taxi money even though when we first met he lived with me rent free for two years when he was a struggling apprentice.

I have stopped cooking for him, I don’t do anything for him anymore and vice versa.

Over the weekend I have advised him that again that I am really really unhappy and I want to move on and make a permanent split as I am pret to depressed in this “relationship” I am not in love with him anymore.

If a stranger was to see us they would probably ask why we haven’t already split up as I can feel in our interaction that there is no love there, he will say things like “Talk man” or “what man” and I have told him that I don’t want the children picking up his bad habits as they will see how he treats me as our sons will think it’s acceptable to talk to women like that.

So anyway he has agreed to start looking for somewhere to live and slowly move out and I absolutely cannot wait to feel happy again and be at peace without this horrible awful man in my life.

He mentioned today that he had told his family that I would be contributing to the funeral and I basically told him AGAIN that I won’t be giving him a single penny as I have had to fork out hundreds to buy furniture and gets jobs done, and I told him it’s not really my problem as I have enough on my plate with my own issues and with looking after the kids and basically I feel like a single parent.

OP posts:
StrangerThings1 · 12/04/2025 23:28

easterhun · 12/04/2025 23:15

Yeah so basically his nan had dementia and had been in a residential care since Covid and he saw him nan twice as he got sick of his relatives asking him for lifts.

His nan had a rapid decline this year and it’ll the family were told that they were guessing it would be her final months as she wasn’t eating and getting worse etc.
So he got laid of his job for taking too much time of work (self employed) and decided to help his family with lifts, seeing his nan every day etc.

All in all he is a very selfish person, argumentative, opinionated and just awful to be around.
I would actually class him as verbally abusive as the way he talks to me is really bad.

And yes if I need a lift I will have to pay him
taxi money even though when we first met he lived with me rent free for two years when he was a struggling apprentice.

I have stopped cooking for him, I don’t do anything for him anymore and vice versa.

Over the weekend I have advised him that again that I am really really unhappy and I want to move on and make a permanent split as I am pret to depressed in this “relationship” I am not in love with him anymore.

If a stranger was to see us they would probably ask why we haven’t already split up as I can feel in our interaction that there is no love there, he will say things like “Talk man” or “what man” and I have told him that I don’t want the children picking up his bad habits as they will see how he treats me as our sons will think it’s acceptable to talk to women like that.

So anyway he has agreed to start looking for somewhere to live and slowly move out and I absolutely cannot wait to feel happy again and be at peace without this horrible awful man in my life.

He mentioned today that he had told his family that I would be contributing to the funeral and I basically told him AGAIN that I won’t be giving him a single penny as I have had to fork out hundreds to buy furniture and gets jobs done, and I told him it’s not really my problem as I have enough on my plate with my own issues and with looking after the kids and basically I feel like a single parent.

The cheek of him, ye are separating and he still expects you to pay!
How dare he tell his family that you will be contributing even after you told him you will not be!

PussInBin20 · 12/04/2025 23:44

Why on earth does he think YOU should contribute to the funeral costs? I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️ I mean, would he be expected to do the same for one of your relatives?

Seems very odd to me, especially as Nan had lots of children/grandkids.

Original poster
easterhun · 12/04/2025 23:51

Yes he says because it was the kids great nan I should contribute as I know that the majority of his family don’t work and struggle for money.

None of the kids have ever met his grandparents as he couldn’t be bothered to ever take them to visit them when they were well and alive.

Despite me advising him that the family maybe eligible for financial help from various organisations he said “no my uncles are organising the funeral and they do not want the bother or hassle of going through various rigmarole and hoops to pay for thit funeral and my mum has enough on her plate as it is”.

Unbelievable

OP posts:
Streaaa · 12/04/2025 23:52

God help your poor children with such utter useless scum for a father.

Talk to Women's aid as he is financially abusing you with this pressure.

StrangerThings1 · 13/04/2025 00:15

easterhun · 12/04/2025 23:51

Yes he says because it was the kids great nan I should contribute as I know that the majority of his family don’t work and struggle for money.

None of the kids have ever met his grandparents as he couldn’t be bothered to ever take them to visit them when they were well and alive.

Despite me advising him that the family maybe eligible for financial help from various organisations he said “no my uncles are organising the funeral and they do not want the bother or hassle of going through various rigmarole and hoops to pay for thit funeral and my mum has enough on her plate as it is”.

Unbelievable

The fact that the majority of his family are lazy asses and don’t work is a ‘them’ issue not yours

Hollyhobbi · 13/04/2025 00:37

How did he get laid off from work if he is self employed? And if he’s not working how is he still earning more than you?

Thisisittheapocalypse · 13/04/2025 00:46

easterhun · 12/04/2025 23:51

Yes he says because it was the kids great nan I should contribute as I know that the majority of his family don’t work and struggle for money.

None of the kids have ever met his grandparents as he couldn’t be bothered to ever take them to visit them when they were well and alive.

Despite me advising him that the family maybe eligible for financial help from various organisations he said “no my uncles are organising the funeral and they do not want the bother or hassle of going through various rigmarole and hoops to pay for thit funeral and my mum has enough on her plate as it is”.

Unbelievable

Still not your circus...not your unemployed, non-contributing monkeys ... you're not contributing. End of.

Make sure your money is secure and he can't access it.

And I'd look for legal advice to speed up the split. Sounds like he is just dragging you down even though he earns 3x as much as you. And does fuck all around the house and with the DCs.

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