To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

[easterhun]

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

If her EIGHT children wanted to give their dear old mum a decent send off, they should have saved more than £750 between them. That's absolutely pathetic.

Mind you, although it's not nice to speak ill of the dead, it sounds like all she has really taught them is to have way more children than you can afford and expect other people to pay your way. Like mother, like children, like grandchildren, apparently.

This is not your circus, not your monkeys, not your problem.

Your problem is that you have had four kids with a complete waster.

Of all the people in the family who could contribute, why are YOU being asked?

Indeed.

If the deceased had eight children and god knows how many grandchildren, presumably someone who actually shares her DNA has some money in their bank account?

Ridiculous comment. Of course the OP is within her rights to spend HER money on her living kids rather than his dead relatives.

5k is an expensive funeral.

my dad died recently and we didn’t pay that much.

sounds like they want bells and whistles.

Well they can't have the funeral they want if they can't afford it. It might be a good reminder to some of your OH's family to look at investing in funeral plans. I think it's a shame you agreed to contribute without considering whether you could actually afford to (and £25 per child for Easter seems excessive) but you are under no obligation to pay. A burial will cost more than a cremation. The actual service can be performed by anyone.

I paid about 5k for my husband's funeral - Co-op.

My neighbour also used the Co-op. I was with her when she spoke to the undertaker. It was less than 2k.

Differences: no flowers for the neighbour, whereas I had them for my husband; no cortege for the neighbour; my neighbour couldn't choose the time of the service; a C of Scotland minister took the service (no charge) for her, whereas the cost of my husband's funeral included a humanist celebrant and also a piper on entrance and exit. I think that the neighbour possibly had a cheaper coffin.

Both services took place at the local crematorium. Surely the OH's family members should be able to split the cost of a funeral that comes in at less than 2K? The relative doesn't have an insurance policy?

ETA 8 children? So £200+ from each child then.

OP the state will pay for the funeral or at least a good 50% of it if there are no funds. It wouldn't be a fancy one though, very basic. You can also do pure cremation now so no funeral as such but only pay for the cremated remains. Think it's about 1k. However I understand most people would like a funeral to say goodbye but if no one is happy to pay then what else can you do.

Why, when your DH earns 3 times what you do, is he asking YOU to pay towards the funeral? The question should be from
him to you “can WE as a family afford to contribute?”. If you don’t have joint finances then he shouldn’t even consider asking you to contribute. If he’s saying he can’t afford to contribute because he’s been “caring” for another grandparent then, in that case, your family can’t afford to contribute.

And why is he caring for a grandparent when he doesn’t do any of the caring responsibilities for his own fecking CHILDREN??????

Also, £25 per child for Easter doesn’t really seem that crazy in this day and age.

Can it be paid for in instalments, some funeral homes accept this

Not sure if restaurants / bars ( wake) do though

I don’t understand. If he earns triple than you why can’t he afford to pay more? Why is he asking you?

don’t do it.

YANBU! I can't believe that with the deceased relative having 8 children (and probably many more grandchildren!), there's not enough in the kitty to pay for a funeral. You paid for work to be done on the house as you were let down by your OH and his mates, so why should you pay towards a funeral? It's crazy!

Like PP have said, a simple direct cremation and then everyone can head off to the nearest pub for some drinks (or someone can host a small gathering at their place, to raise a glass). My parents' funerals were around the £5K mark each - but they wanted to be buried and therefore planned/sorted their funerals (and money for it was from their estate) and they bought a family plot at the local cemetery. My friends parents wanted direct cremations (around the £1200 mark) I'm no millionaire, but my life insurance plan (to be paid to DC when I die) has additional allowances for my funeral costs (£5K, but I don't care if I'm cremated or buried! My DC could do a direct cremation and then blow the rest on a nice wake) and for paying off any personal debts (£20K earmarked - I don't have any debts, thank the Lord, but it's there, just in case!). If people are so insistent on how they want a funeral, they'd do well to ensure they plan it and sort it beforehand!

I know this isn't the main topic but "Your DH sounds lazy if you've had to pay handy men" is a very sexist comment. It's 2025.

If the family cannot afford a traditional funeral, they can arrange what is known as a Direct Cremation, this will be a very much cheaper option for them. The funeral director or the local council will have information about how to do this. This is especially relevant since they have another relative in very poor health.

I don't think you should contribute to the funeral costs, you are already being taken advantage of financially.

We have just had three family members funerals, practically one after the other. One was cremation and the wake was at a fancy hotel with afternoon tea catered for 80 and a first drink, with two of the limo family cars and lots of flowers. All in it was 5800.

The next two had wakes just at a community hall with a buffet but needed to pay for burial and gravestone (plot already paid for) and they were 5k each.

I'm struggling to understand where he's getting 5k without the wake cost from.

If he earns more than you and doesn't pay towards his kids he's being hugely unreasonable. You need to put a claim in to the council for help towards funeral costs.

Extraordinary to spend so much on Easter baskets, but it's your choice. I can't see why you would contribute to OH's relative's funeral when he earns so much more than you. Or why the funeral has to be that expensive. There will be cheaper ways to arrange it if the deceased relative and immediate family made no arrangements.

You could offer as a couple to pay the same amount as the 8 siblings, so less than £100.

you should not be paying more.

some good advice on thread about government funding.

Surely one of them with a job can take out a loan? That’s what one of my close friends had to do. He took a £5k loan to pay for the funeral and several of us close to him jointly paid for the wake.

Surely the wake could be held in a family home. If they're short of money, sandwiches and cup of tea would be fine for most folk - unless by 'good send off' they mean 'booze up at OP's expense'.

theres lots of places you can get money for funerals from, people of this generation were often in the forces or police or other public sector jobs and thier associations have hardship funds for the employee and spouse also miners have a fund. There are other charities too, if you partner and you don’t have the money your contribution could be to find these sources, if he was in residencial care their will likely be social services involved that will have a raft of information for you, but find out what they did for a living even a short spell in the army and the British legion will help with advice if not more.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine.

MIL died after several years of illness, her and husband on benefits, saved nothing. Grown son lived with them, earned plenty, contributed nothing.
They also wanted a ridiculous big funeral. BIL declared he was skint (probably lying) friends BF didn’t have much. In the end my friends MUM paid for it and they set up a payment plan.
Friend had to harass FIL to tell him to tell funeral home he was skint and to look for assistance.

She said when he dies it will happen all over again.

I think you say ‘I am contributing to the funeral, I’ve paid your share of getting the furniture built, Easter, last Christmas and will be doing all their birthdays. I’m quite broke actually from covering your share of lots of things to free up your money to cover the funeral, I’ve been very generous. But if you disagree you’re welcome to pay your half .

If you wanted to have a booze up I'm sure plenty of places will give you a reserved space and dish up some free cocktail sausages etc... if you guarantee a large-ish gathering on a weekday afternoon. This does not need to cost the family money or certainly not a lot! Of course it's always easier to spend other people's money - Don't do it OP!!

Edit: FFS fat fingers 🤬

With your updates they can't afford the funeral they want and will have to cut their cloth accordingly.

This is not your problem to solve.

Of course they do but they can't afford it!