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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to contribute to OH relatives funeral?

135 replies

easterhun · 10/04/2025 15:47

So basically my partners grandparent passed away a few weeks ago.

MIL dosent have any money as she relies on benefits and OH’s uncles and aunts don’t have a lot of money spare at such short notice and all have families etc to support.

OH has asked me if I could contribute towards the cost of the funeral as the family simply cant afford it, he will be donating what he can to the funeral.

I have never met this grandparent as the last decade or so he was in residential care due to various health problems.

When OH asked me I said yes without even really thinking about it.

We moved into a house 8 months ago and there are jobs that he/his friends were supposed to do and they have still not been done so I have had to pay a handyman to do them now so my kids have a nice safe house.

This is costing me hundreds and I am paying for
it myself so I have had to tell OH I can’t afford to pay towards the funeral and now he isn’t talking to me and making me feel so bad.

I have brought the kids £100 worth of Easter gifts/baskets and he complained that is too much money and that money could of gone towards the funeral.
OH rarely ever treats the kids and is always telling me off for spending too much money on them despite it being my own money.

AIBU to backtrack on donating towards the funeral?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 10/04/2025 19:29

I’d suggest a direct cremation too, they are much cheaper. If his family want a celebration afterwards, they need to fund that. I wouldn’t prioritise another family’s food/drinks over buying my DC Easter eggs. I’ve just spent £25 on each of my 2 DC’s eggs too. £100 between 4 of them doesn’t seem excessive to me.

Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:09

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.
I will suggest those to him as I am pretty sure as his mum is on benefits she will be entitled to some help, think she gets PIP as well.

With the kids, I am guilty of always treating them as in my eyes I don’t feel as if OH is much of a father to them.

By that I mean take an active role in the parenting and not just going to the park, or going for a spin in the car which is all he really does and thinks that’s being a good dad.

If it was down to OH the kids would be eating McDonalds every night instead of the healthy dinners I cook them.
He really dosent have a clue.

It’s me who does everything, I buy all the Xmas, birthday, Easter presents etc, washing, cleaning, and keeping on top of everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2025 20:16

easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

They can have the send off they can afford op, you don't owe him anything towards his grandparents funerals.
I'd seriously start thinking about getting rid of this waster, you and the children deserve better.

justasking111 · 10/04/2025 20:17

easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

No way can they afford a burial. Tell them to set up a go fund me with friends.

Tiswa · 10/04/2025 20:18

Why isn’t he giving money?

does he give you any money?

FKAT · 10/04/2025 20:20

Firstly, you don't have to have a funeral at all. The health authorities will dispose of the body. If you do have a memorial service you can have it in a community centre or your own front room - I've been to one in a pub. It doesn't have to be at a church/crematorium etc.

Secondly funerals don't have to cost £5k - that's at the high end I would have thought. My dad's cost less than half that at a beautiful CofE church with a wake at a friend's house - we made the sandwiches and supplied drinks.

I think £25 per kid is a reasonable Easter spend.

suburberphobe · 10/04/2025 20:22

You could get her the information and show your dp if you want to be 'helpful'

Why the fuck is it OP's responsibility to organise anything?! She has 4 kids to take care of already.

Honestly, we are in 2025 and it seems as if women's liberation has passed all women by. Just for a dick in the house. I despair.

Hayley1256 · 10/04/2025 20:22

Just to add a burial will cost a lot more and thats if you get a plot

nomas · 10/04/2025 20:23

Your partner is a knob. If he earns so much why does he want money from you? Is he financially abusive? Do you have a house? Whose name is it in?

AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople · 10/04/2025 20:23

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if this has already been said. I'm a Probate Paralegal, so have dealt with a lot of funerals in my time.

Firstly, if the grandparent does have money, just OH wants you to contribute until money is available, then you'll be pleased to know you can ask grandparent's bank to pay the funeral invoice directly.

Secondly, if the grandparent has no money, then you can get a very nice Public Health funeral. I saw a PP say it would be a pauper's funeral that no one can attend, but that's not true. Public Health funerals can still have people attend for a small service.

Treesarenotforeating · 10/04/2025 20:26

They could go for a direct funeral via the local directors , small wake if wanted at home
fiednt need to cost that much

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 10/04/2025 20:26

Tell your OH to get back to work

pimplebum · 10/04/2025 20:26

My MIL put her husbands funeral on a payment plan that lasted a couple of years she was paper on low income

you could offer to cater / host the wake to be kind if you felt so inclined as a few platters of sandwiches and cakes can be done for £ 200

make sure you both have funeral plans

thepariscrimefiles · 10/04/2025 20:26

easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

They absolutely can't afford a burial and a wake.

Do not contribute anything to this. Your partner doesn't pull his weight, either financially or with his own children so you owe him and his family absolutely nothing.

CarpetKnees · 10/04/2025 20:27

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

We can all "want" all sorts of things, but it doesn't necessarily mean we can have them.
If that is so important to the family, then why haven't they all been putting aside £1 a week over the last 10 years ?
Why on earth do they think someone else should fund their "wants" ? Confused

Reddog1 · 10/04/2025 20:34

Family of losers and grifters. Run!

Cosyblankets · 10/04/2025 20:35

8 adult kids can only chip in just under 100 each?

Hortus · 10/04/2025 20:41

easterhun · 10/04/2025 20:12

And his grandparent didn’t have any assets, she had been on benefits her whole working life.

She didn’t own any property and rented a house from the council, she has 8 kids and between them they have only got £750 for the funeral OH has just told me and that’s at a push.

OH has just said that they defo want her buried and have a wake afterwards and give her a good send off.

Your partner's whole family sounds like generations of feckless wasters and he seems to be continuing the pattern. 8 children who can only drum up £750 between them, absolutely appalling.

How did the deceased grandmother imagine her funeral would be paid for if neither she or any of her children had any money to pay for it?

Burial costs more than cremation, and no one needs" a good send off" with a wake, especially when they can't afford one. Do they think a magic funeral fairy is going to turn up with at least 4k more to fund all this?

Stick to your guns and refuse to pay anything. She has 8 children, let them sort it out, nothing to do with you.

Also get rid of your lazy useless partner, he's bringing nothing to your life, you already do everything anyway so it won't make much difference to your life being alone.

Davros · 10/04/2025 20:42

DH’s funeral last year cost £6,600 including the gathering afterwards at a local pub. We had all the bells and whistles including horses. I’m sure it can be done much cheaper than £5,000 before you even include the gathering

2025willbemytime · 10/04/2025 20:46

Presents don't make up for an uninterested father.

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2025 20:47

Why are you with this waste of oxygen? Don't pay a penny towards this funeral.

Mnetcurious · 10/04/2025 20:50

yanbu to say no to paying towards the funeral. Yabu to spend that much on Easter - wtf it’s not another Christmas or birthday. £10 max per child is plenty.

BumbleBeegu · 10/04/2025 20:52

Your OH is pulling a fast one here OP! I am a Funeral Celebrant and do 5-10 funerals a week. Unless they are being upsold (which isn’t necessary!) a standard cremation will not be any more than £3,500 (and this will include FDs fees, celebrant or minister and all associated professional fees).

You can do it much cheaper than this if you go with someone like Aura or Pure Cremations. Some will do a ‘direct cremation + attendance’ for less than £1500, which is a direct cremation but will allow a small number of attendees and a short (usually 20 minute) ceremony with a celebrant.

A wake is not compulsory and you could quite simply all go off to a local pub and raise a glass afterwards at no expense other than your own beers!

We all need to cut our cloth to suit our purse!

In an absolute bind, your OH will need to arrange a simple direct cremation, which he can do for under a thousand pounds.

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