To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

As I’ve said before the younger child would go with her father to family events. That way she doesn’t miss out and her sister can do something fun with mum so she doesn’t miss out either

Op ignore this comment

You have your own family, they have their own family. You can't force your way into somebody else's family. Not you, obviously, but your eldest child. They are not her family.

Definitely inappropriate to ask a 5 year old to manage the situation! How about putting them in matching/ complementary outfits/ cute bunny ears? Something to make them look more like a pair that may encourage photos of them together?

The op isn’t a blood relative either so what is the difference?

This!! Their behaviour is awful but you need to manage it!

If the op and her dh split if the op and her in-laws want to remain in contact they can. Not the same with a minor.

Also op’s not in this photo either it’s grandchildren, I’m sure there are probably photos of just their children without partners too.

Like the other (very similar thread!) So many posters only cared about the 'impact' on the older daughter, and cared nothing for the younger daughter and her thoughts and feelings, again lots opinions like here, that it's 'tough luck' and she should accept not seeing or having a paternal grandparents/extended family relationship because that's what her mum demands.

No, it's not your child's job to sort this out. It's upsetting that the grandparents don't treat the children equally but you can't force them to. Make sure your DH always includes his step child and that they may encourage his parents.

Totally agree with this. My “step” grandparents have always treated me equally and it would have been devastating as a young child to be pushed aside. Especially when it sounds like they’ve known her from a very young age

OP did you take any advice from the last thread where your older child had the hospital appointment? I remember reading something you put that made it sound like she was very ashamed of having an absent paternal family. This is what needs to be focussed on, it really sounds like you two need to have some counselling to explore this.

You can't put this on a 5 year old child, it's cruel.

Do not put your issues with your husband and inlaws onto the shoulders of a 5 year old.

Your inlaws can take photos with who they want.

Why did you marry and have a child with a man whose family did not treat your eldest the same as their bio relations if it's such an issue for you?

So many threads like this.

This issue your eldest DD has is entirely of your doing. You chose to marry into this family. You chose to have another child. Your in-laws are entitled to define their family however they see fit, whatever anyone might think about it. The duty to help make this okay for your eldest lies 100% on you and on her father (if he's not around, then 100% on you). Hopefully you've chosen a husband who will support you in this.

You can't marry into a family and expect them all to change to suit your needs and requirements wrt your previous life. Your DD should have been front and center before you chose to join this family. That you chose this family without considering how they might treat her is your fault and yours only.

(FWIW, it's ridiculous that your in-laws can't take 20 photos instead of 15, some with all, some with bio children only, even if they subsequently want to delete the ones they don't want to keep. There's no need to be so obvious about it. But presumably your eldest would still notice that none of the ones of her are framed in their home, and you'd be back at square one. I feel so sorry for young children who have to go through this at such a tender age, it's really not fair on them. But you are the one who put her in this situation, not your in-laws.)

That's a misrepresentation of what the op said.

they then took turns to take photos.

So they took it in turns. Not made her take photos. If they hadn't let her take photos when they were taking it in turns, then would that be better?

I sometimes wonder if I have higher expectations of children's understanding.

I would expect children by 4 or 5 to be able to understand the concept that X is half-sister's grandparent but not theirs. Even in non-blended families, children can have different relationships, and children understand that.

My great-aunt often gave a little extra present to my sister as we grew up. She was a doctor and my sister wanted to be a doctor from a very young age. So she'd often give little things like an old stethoscope etc. Did I resent that? No. Even from a young age I knew that it was simply that they had a different relationship, and sometimes I'd admire the item, but it never occurred to me that if she bought something for my sister, she had to for me. I don't think anyone even had to explain that.

I would have felt far worse if mum was telling me I should feel that I missed out, or stopping the relationship.

Your older daughter has a crappy father. Your DHs family are not responsible for picking up the pieces. It would have been lovely if they had wanted to do this but they don’t.

you need to be the grown up and manage the consequences of being in a blended family. You made that choice so you and DH need to own it - not expecting the 5 year old to be involved!

I suggest you limit your older dds contact with his family. You cannot force the relationship so protect her. Take her out on her own and show her she’s loved.

It sounds as though the grandparents like having a photo of their genetic grandchildren, and they handle it reasonably sensitively by giving everyone chance to be photographer (presumably it's impossible to get a photo of everyone, as someone has to take the photo).

They're not making just her be photographer, which would be really insensitive. Everyone gets a go.

There's nothing wrong with the way they're getting the photos taken. Either you or your DH just need to grow a pair and say 'why do you only display photos without Jane on?'.

No it wouldn't be a good idea to ask your 5yo to do that.

I think there are few things that could be done.

First, I don't think it's nice to ask your daughter to step out of a photo. That's inconsiderate and especially for a half sibling who will feel singled out. I'm surprised anyone would do this - I think perhaps DP needs to have a word with his parents to be sensitive about asking her to step out of photos. However, each taking turns to take photos and GP keeping ones without DD for themselves - absolutely fine. Why would DD even have to know about that?

The second thing I'd say is to maybe try and focus on building your DD up in another way. You know - 1-1 time, talking about your shared history and unique memories and bond - also maybe (but not just) take photos of your OWN family with them all together and make a fuss about how much you love them and how special you are all together, with everything being unique and special to you.

I think basically try and distract her away from any silliness from GP and focus on things and people who DO make her feel special. Her relationship with her DSis' grandparents may not be great, but it doesn't need to be a big factor in her life. I'd try and create a separate narrative for her about who she is and why she's special. Ultimately her family is slightly different to her sister's, that doesn't mean she is less worthy or less loveable. For one thing - she means the world to you!

We don’t ask children, we tell them they’re getting step siblings and they just have to get on with it, like it or not. And very often it’s not. If we actually asked children if they wanted step-siblings and acted according to their responses then there would be far fewer blended families

I think it's absolutely fine for them to want and to take photos without eldest. However, it is rude and unkind to literally ask a child to step out of a family photo.

It seems that a lot of posters care more about the grandparents.

Agreed. This is not just some random child who has just turned up

I think this is putting a plaster over a problem that will just get bigger

The answer here is not to try and make the elder daughter cuter and more photo-worthy. That will only play into the feelings of rejection she already has.

The answer I think is to celebrate each girl's individuality. Their unique traits and history, and the fact they have different families in some ways. Keep an open dialogue with the girls about this growing up. It's okay that they're different, eldest DD doesn't NEED to be treated the same by her sister's grandparents. They have a different relationship and that's okay, it's no reflection on her. She needs other parts of her life that are special for her instead.

JFC you can disagree with the OP without referring to her daughter as 'some random kid'. It makes you sound awful. Even if OP and her DH split up, OP's older child is still the siblingn of one of their grandchildren.

I have photos of my kids with their friends who they aren't still in touch with. I still don't think of them as 'random kids'.

Unpalatably true.

Whilst that is sad and difficult for all involved, I think it’s important to remember there is a child with no control or agency in these situations and they need to be the priority. One of my cousins fostered and my family, for all its difficulties, rallied every time to include them as family while they were with us. One memorable Xmas eve was spent with the family making sure Santa cane that night for children that arrived that morning. They were treated equally by grandparents in terms of gifts too.