To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

You're right - in hindsight it wasn't a good suggestion

My DH was talking about something the other day which applies here, I think. He recently travelled a long way to see an elderly aunt and uncle and his niece (granddaughter of aforementioned) said she’d go with him. Involved a day off work for niece and a long journey. I was ferrying kids to school, so was never going to be going, but niece was a bit cross that her new husband hadn’t wanted to go too. And my DH was telling her that, with in laws relationships, it’s always the relative that’s the focus/priority and the spouse is pretty much always a neutral addition. And I agree with this. I (and the new husband of the niece) get on perfectly well with the elderly relatives in question; had I gone too they would have said (and I’m sure meant it quite genuinely) how nice it was to see me. But ultimately, for them, the main event was the visit from their nephew and their granddaughter, so the fact that her husband and I weren’t there wouldn’t have mattered at all. And I bet it’s the same in this situation with the OP’s in laws. The OP’s older daughter is a natural extension of their son’s spouse; she’s welcome and welcomed (and, by the sound of it, because she’s a child, treated decently in terms of a gift when appropriate), but she’s not the main focus. She comes along with their son and granddaughter. And I can see how that’s hard for the OP, who sees her two daughters as equal and as sisters in every way. But for the OP’s in laws, her older DD is an in-law herself, rather than an integral part of the family (if that makes sense?).

I thought they were doing it in turns? I do feel sorry for the child, don't get me wrong but I see the other side too. We only have one picture with my grandmother and all her grandchildren which was taken at her 70th, it also has my aunts stepson in it who I've seen probably twice in my life. So now it's basically my grandmother, her grandchildren and one random kid.

I knew it would be you OP.

You need to stop trying to manoeuvre your in-laws to do what you want. You can think as badly of them as you like, for not taking your DD on as their grandchild, but they haven't, and you can't force them to.

You're hurting yourself and your DD by keep exposing yourself to these situations. DH and younger DD can go to the occasions with ILs and other cousins and you and older DD do something else.

Stop trying to make them do what you want, they're not going to and it's not going to bring anyone happiness for you to keep banging away on a closed door.

And how does this affect you?

No the idea is terrible, not nice to exclude a child but why on earth would you think this is ok to put on a 5yo?

Adults choose to blend families it is not children's fault they complicate things

So are their children’s wives and husbands ‘forced’ on them and that’s just like it or lump it. I would put stepchildren in the same category.

I think that’s fair. But then - I am my MIL’s daughter in law. There’s no sense in which my marrying her son makes her feel as though I’m her daughter and equivalent in her affections to any of her children. And her being my husband’s mother doesn’t make me think of her as my
own mother in any way. We get on perfectly well, but she’s “Margaret”, not “Mum”. And it sounds like that’s the case here. The in-laws are clearly not unpleasant to this child - they remember her at Christmas, will extend invitations to include her, will buy her an Easter egg if they see her. They just see her as their DIL’s child rather than their own grandchild.

Very true.

I was thinking about a later update about a wedding, when OP mentioned her DD had been asked to step out of photographs. But now reading it back, it might have been the wedding photographer that did that rather than the family and members who will be at the party. As for the taking turns with photos I think that's fair enough as no one is being singled out. It only has to be a big deal if it's allowed to be.

She’s 5, making her choose isn’t fair

Do you not give your 5yo a choice of what they do? It’s not like you’re saying “pick a side of the family forever”. Just currently mum and sister are doing x at home while dad goes to visit grandparents, what do you want to do? In the same way you might day “Dads going to do the food shop do you want to come or stay with me?”

But this is way more loaded than a trip to the shops...
Even at 5, she'll have cottoned on to the highly fraught interaction her mum and ds have in this situation.

Yes this is exactly it.

My mother in law is exactly that. Shes not my mum. If we divorce she’s just Janice someone I used to know. Just like I am not her daughter in a divorce I’m just Rebecca her son’s ex.

Just as step children/step grandchildren. They are Louise, Johnathon, James and estella. They are related by marriage alone by a law not because they are family by feelings. You can’t force feelings where they don’t exist.

If I divorced I’d never see my mil,fil,sil or her children again. So when I’m talking about her children, do I call them my nephews to my friends? No. They are their names, her names children. So they get Christmas and birthday presents? Yes. Do I babysit or take them for days out. Hell no.

I dunno, I don’t agree. Can just say “mum and sister don’t feel like going to granny’s today but dad wants to so would you like to go with him? I don’t think there needs to be any more to it than that. What’s the alternative? Force everyone to go where 2 people are miserable/feel out of place?

I give a choice on some things - dads going to the shop do you want to go or stay home with me but that’s low scale. Given the emotions attached to this situation it’s a much more sensitive situation and is making her pick sides

Absolutely not this. DS partner, who he lives with has two children aged 10 and 12. They are not my grandchildren. I cannot stress how much they are not my grandchildren! I have met them twice. I see DS and partner when they are with their Dad. I could not know them less well if I tried.
If DS and partner marry, they still will not be my grandchildren. If DS and partner have more children, these will still not be my grandchildren.

Agreed

Nobody chooses bio family either!

'Forced on them' wow. It's a child! What a sad way to talk.

They are kind to her, but don’t think of her as the same as their DGC. It’s true, she isn’t.

If BIL’s DC want to (correctly!) refer to themselves as half-siblings, then that’s fine. Why does it grate on you?

I’m not sure why you keep pushing them on this. They aren’t stand-in’s for your elder DD’s shit father and family. They didn’t chose to blend; your DH did.

I think this situation is yours to manage and explain to your child. If I'm understanding correctly your in laws took pictures with all children present and then took additional pictures with only their grandchildren?

What is wrong with that, they have included both of your children and then just their blood relatives.

Even if you manage to force your oldest into all photos, what have you achieved? How will your oldest daughter feel? Better or worse?

You cannot control others adults feelings and behaviour. It is literally outside your control and you will drive yourself mad trying to do so.

You have to make your peace with it. Agree with HighRen and the poster explaining about the inlaw relationships. If you split she’s out of their lives.

Agree and some people are shit to their bio family too. All I'm saying is you can force what isn't there. Unfortunate as it is

Don’t hid behind a five year old, stand up for your child and say you want her included like the other grandchildren, if they refuse, leave the house and never take your children there again, let your husband go alone if he wants to.
also he’s been gutless too as he should have never let this happen in the first place, he should have spoken to his parents

My in laws were disinterested in our children which we found upsetting. Invites turned down for laughable reasons etc. Ours were the first grandchildren in the family so I found it really baffling. Itied myself and knots about it but it was utterly pointless. Their choice.

Let it go and work to minimise impact on children’s feelings. Actually the more exercised about it you are the worse it is for the children so you might need to dig deep here for their sake as your numerous threads demonstrate this is really getting to you.

Act like a grown up and have a conversation with the other adults if you need to. Trying to get your 5yo involved is just nuts and unfair on them.