To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

I remember your previous post, OP. I'd do something with your own family on Easter Saturday and if you're asked why, just say it's nicest for your girls to spend occasions with family who treat them equally.

I think you really need to make your peace with the fact that they are not going to see your eldest as family. Trying to force it or getting stressed about it is only making you more upset, and probably your eldest by extension.

I think this is really good advice from @BeaAndBen . Ultimately, she isn’t their grandchild, so it’s not egregious that they don’t see her as such. And if they are generally kind to her, that’s probably as much as you can ask given that. Some people place a lot of store by biology; others not so much. It’s a shame that the older DD doesn’t have an equally doting set of paternal grandparents, but it’s not your ILs fault that she doesn’t. I think all you can do is be entirely open and honest with them about the situation and then deal with it as best you can to enable the relationship with younger DD while protecting your older child. Maybe that means that you let DH take the lead with his family and do more things on your own with older DD, as a pp suggested. Maybe that’s always referring to family members by their names rather than using “Grandma, Auntie” as default. But I think the oh need to accept that you can’t control the feelings and actions of others - only your own. Sounds very difficult, so I do sympathise with your predicament.

You are expecting far too much. Make your peace with it

My BiL stopped all this nonsense dead by adopting his DW’s DC. These DC were then related to him AND the rest of his family. All his DC were then included in everything because he is their father.

OP follow the above advice 👆

He would have had to have permission from the step dc father though, and that is understandably rare when their biological dad is still in the picture. It does sort things out legally though.

He thinks that I overthink and that my daughter’s pain is because of the issues with her father’s family and this is highlighted by the normal relationships in his family

OP, with kindness, are you sure you are not projecting your pain onto your daughter in that wishing she were treated the same, you feel the rejection and your dd picks up on this. I would feel hurt on her behalf re the photo, but it is entirely on you to manage her feelings.

You say they are generally kind to her so as I said in a pp, I would scale back these gatherings and instead of being in turmoil and wishing for something that isn't, accept things as they are and spend time suiting your elder dd.

Did who resent it? If you mean my kids, no they were pretty young at the time, maybe 2,4,7ish. We never spent a huge amount of time with them anyway, so the major change was not visiting at Xmas/bday etc. My husband didn’t resent it, he thought it was gross behaviour, regardless of the fact it was his parents. And did they resent it? Yeah absolutely, thought it was all my doing, despite my husband repeatedly telling them we both felt the same.

No, I don’t think they would have thought of it like that, they were kids who grew up with her as their big sister, they did know my husband wasn’t her dad obviously but no one was treated differently at home, so I don’t think they’d have thought oh she’s been singled out elsewhere cos she’s not biologically theirs.

I wouldn’t think much of anyone who treated a child differently based on who their parents were tbh. Certainly wouldn’t have wanted to reinforce that idea to my DDs in any case.

My final straw if it’s relevant was a birthday card. We were all on holiday over my eldest daughter’s 11th birthday and neither of them acknowledged it at all. No card/gift etc. we’d decorated and done a special breakfast. Only after she went to get dressed for the day did my husband point out that neither of them had said a word. And MIL said “we don’t all need to repeat it surely, she knows what day it is”

I’m sure you’ll cope

Actually in my case this isn’t true. My eldest DDs grandparents are the most involved grandparents in the world! I have no relationship with my ex, but a lovely one with them. They welcomed each of my DDs into the world with gifts and well wishes, chat away to them, always remember their bdays etc. I don’t think being pleasant to A CHILD is unreasonable. Adults in the OPs situation shouldn’t be getting their step grandchild to play photographer to family photos, that’s grim.

I can see where they’re coming from. My parents don’t have any photos of just their grandchildren as the latest step children had to be included. That meant every few years a child would disappear and a new one appear. Would be nice to just have the grandchildren

I can see if you thought the child wasn't going to be around long but now there is a half sibling and an established relationship she should be included in photos.

I think a quiet word to say they are making it a bit obvious your dd is excluded might be worth having plus having some mum daughter time so she isn't there always could work well.

It seems to me that a lot of people on this thread are far more concerned with the feelings of the step grandparents than they are with the feelings
of a 9 year old child.

The photo thing is mean. I have been in that situation as an adult and struggled with how it made me feel never mind being a child in that situation.

I think some people believe you are only family if there is a blood connection. Do the in-laws get you a birthday gift?

The GPs aren't doing anything wrong by wanting a photo with their grandchildren only, and you are being very unreasonable to use your 5 yes old as a weapon in a silly war with your in laws. I feel sorry for them 🤷‍♀️

Be that as it may it doesn’t change the fact that OP’s daughter has her own set of grandparents. No one can force the in laws to act as an extra set.

It’s all very well for your husband to think this as it’s not happening to him or his child. You need to tell him you are not going to attend family functions anymore because you are going to save your daughter from further hurt and if he doesn’t like it tough

the thing is though, (not always but more often than not) step kids and half-siblings have another family, too.

And what about the younger daughter? Has she to go with the father or stay home with mother and older sister?

She can be given a choice surely? Do you want to go and see grandparents with dad or stay with me and sister? Families don’t have to be glued together 24/7

It's entirely different. An adopted child becomes part of the family and remains so. If a relationship that involves a step child breaks up, the family that took them into their hearts, loses them.

My granddaughter is struggling with the fact that she used to have a cousin, and now she doesn't. Her uncle's step child was treated as family, loved and included in everything. And now, overnight, someone they loved has disappeared from their lives.

Step families are supposed to treat step-members as family, but if the relationship ends, they can have no expectation of that familial relationship continuing.

Surely that doesn’t mean constantly making a child feel out of place at a family gathering? Asking them to take photos of “the blood relatives” is way past the mark.

All this talk I see on here of how grandparents shouldn’t be forced to love or accept step children is absolute bullshit.

When you get together with someone you expect them to be accepted into your family. And frequently when the in-laws won’t accept the new partner posters post here that the husband should have her back and stand up to his family.

So when you get together with someone who has children then those children come as part of the package. And if the grandparents refuse to accept those then it should be down to their child to have those children’s backs.

Why is it that family should have to accept adults on pain of being disconnected, but it’s ok to reject children on the basis that “well they have grandparents of their own.”

It really isn’t ok.

Now if the children are older teenagers who have just come into the family then it’s understandable that for now the relationship is different.

But if they have grown up as part of the family, if the biological grandchildren are their siblings, then absolutely the grandparents should be treating them the same, especially when it comes to things like family photo’s. They are a part of the family. The end.

I don’t have DSC, but I can categorically say that my parents would have treated them the same, and I know that my ILs treat my eXH’s DSC the same. And if my parents didn’t then they wouldn’t be having a relationship with my children either.

" I don't have dsc" .... You have a lot of opinions about something you no nothing about then

i suppose it depends if the photos are on show. My dd was in a long term relationship with someone, although never lived together. We took lots of photos as he came on holidays with us. Some were so lovely that we enlarged and hung them on our walls. When they split, acrimoniously, my dd obviously wanted the pictures taking down. Which was a shame as a couple of the pictures had my late father on them, and we didn’t have many of him. Maybe your in-laws just want some with their dgd in case anything happens.