To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

OP is bothered by her children having different life experiences, which she's stuck with whether she stays married to DH or not.

Why are you assuming that? I've got cousins I haven't seen in 25 years!

I don’t have any idea what will happen in the future and neither does anyone else on this thread. And I wasn’t suggesting the children wouldn’t understand there was a difference in relationships. However, I can say from real-life observations that clear discrimination or unkindnesses can be a cause of conflict.

Yes I was replying to you saying they've known her at least 6 years, but this was actually quite a few years ago when as youngest was a baby and the whole family setup was therefore pretty new

I very much doubt that they even have a photo of OP's elder daughter seeing as they chose to stop seeing her when their son left OP and his daughter.

having different life experiences is not an issue. Everyone has different life experiences.

The issue is being forced to “blend” with a family who lets you know in every little which way that you do not really belong/ are expendable/ not really wanted or appreciated, etc. that is so deeply harmful to a child and no child deserves to be exposed to that regardless of their biology. No child should be forced to participate in such a fiasco.

OP said it was. That's a direct quote from her. She has an issue with it, so it's immaterial whether someone else defines 'the issue' differently.

And as I said, she's stuck with that. Divorce won't affect it.

Are you own parents in the picture, OP?

I agree but I think this is why OP needs to balance maintaining the grandparent relationship for her youngest while finding other ways to build up her eldest and managing the situation sensitivity. You can't change other people or the fact we all have different relationships. But you can help your daughters navigate these difficult feelings and find ways to make them each feel special and appreciated in their own right.

Haha coming from the people trying to tell the dd what she is rally upset about (eg her own bio dad/ gp not the people she is forced to blend with).

You are wrong. The issue isn’t OP’s feelings, the issue is the DD’s feelings.

op said that her daughter is upset by the way she is being treated by her in-laws - eg excluded from photos. This is deeply harmful and no child should be forced ro blend with a family where they are exposed to treatment that makes them feel worthless and excluded. This is deeply harmful.

Different life experiences are neither here nor there, everyone has those.

You can't change other people or the fact we all have different relationships.

Agree with this, but you can also remove/ protect your child from being exposed to people who chose to behave in ways that make them feel worthless. Blending them together in a family is the opposite of this. This is what I object to.

Are you really trying to say his family had no idea he had a stepchild?

OP posted a similar thread recently where she mentioned how upset and ashamed DD feels having to admit her own father isn't involved. That's a horrible way for a young girl to feel and that's why I'm saying it's probably the real issue. It's not just that her step grandparents treat her differently, it's that her own dad and grandparents have abandoned her. Her sister has something very special that she doesn't have (loving grandparents), something she clearly is distressed and has complicated feelings about, and the small differences between the way SGP treat her and Dd5 highlight all of that. It's not exactly a leap!

But OP has said the DD is upset about not having her father. On her other thread she said the DD was mortified when the Dr asked about family history and she said they weren't in contact. If older DD had a good relationship with her father's family would she care what younger DDs family do?

Plus OP is using some emotive language and it does feel like she is passing her own feelings to older DD - baby taken from her sister's arms, and all the stuff about older cousin sitting for the bar and ISAs, that's all about OPs feelings.

Even though OP had worded things a certain way it really doesn't seem like the ILs are cruel or making older DD feel worthless - they invite her, they buy her an Easter egg, they take photos with her, they're not shutting her in the cupboard or insisting she's left at home while everyone pretends she doesn't exist!

If these get togethers are upsetting older DD then OP needs to stop taking her to them. She can't force the IL to be more than kind and civil which she says they already are. It doesn't matter how many posters think the IL are wrong, they're not going to change so OP needs to manage the situation for both her children - probably by doing something else fun with older DD while DH takes younger DD to these events.

If it were me I would probably quietly reduce the time eldest spends with SGP and focus on building up other positive and affirming relationships for her.

I hope this is what the OP does

It’s perfectly possible for the child to be upset about both things- one doesn’t detract from the other, in fact they likely amplify one another. You all are so pleased to point out OP can’t control her in-laws- well she is likely to have far more influence over them than she does with people with whom she has zero relationship. The reality is she can’t of course control anyone else and nor should she try to, the only thing she can do is set reasonable boundaries for herself and her child- for her child that means not forcing her to be in a family with people who make her feel worthless and rejected .

A strange post, and irrelevant to the question of whether OP is stuck with this whether she splits with DH or not. She is.

I didn't tell her what her problem is either, btw. I'm using OPs own words about different experiences. You can if you tell her that you know better and her feelings don't matter if you want, but it won't make what you said about splitting remotely germane.

At the very least

Why are you so determined that the extended family are being deliberately excluding? I have a huge extended family, they'd have no idea if I had a step child but if they were having a big wedding might invite me. It's not that outlandish to say the DHs cousin didn't know about older DD or what the set up was, and when cousin was asked to include her they did. What more could they do? It's not the conclusive proof of deliberate cruelty you seem to think it is.

I'm not pleased about it, OP has come for advice and that's why I'm saying that it's better to focus on managing the things she can control e.g. how she supports DD with her very difficult feelings and ensures she has balance in her life and experiences/relationships that make her feel important, as I think that is a better idea than trying to force a situation with SGP that might actually just backfire and make her daughter feel worse.

If it really is just about the photos in the house then surely DH can talk to his parents, have a quiet word and if they're nice enough people they would put a photo or two of her up. But it sounds deeper than that.

in that case we are talking at cross purposes. My concern isn’t for the OP- as much as her feelings matter- OP is an adult with choices. She can decide for herself what works best for her to cope with any difficult feelings she has. My concern is for her child, who doesn’t have choices and is being put in a position where she has to interact with people who make her feel crap. And actually OP’s feelings are , as I understand them, also ultimately about concern for her child- as they should be.

It doesn't matter where anyone's concern is. OP is stuck with the situation, which includes her feelings about her DDs having 'such different life experiences'. Her DH and his family both fundamentally disagree with her.

Meaning what she really needs is to work out how best to manage it going forward, as multiple posters have correctly said. This will still be applicable in the event of a split with DH.

Trying to get her 5 year old to manage the issue via the medium of photography was a fucking terrible idea. Going to her cousin's church on Easter Sunday instead of BILs house is a better one.

OP is stuck with the situation of her children having different life experiences, yes. This is a situation that all parents are stuck with always.

OP is not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws. This is not a situation that all parents face and it’s not a situation OP has to be stuck in. She can change this situation by not exposing her child to her in-laws, including through family separation.

Her children will have 'such different life experiences' regardless of whether she splits with DH or not, and if anything that could make them even more divergent. She is stuck with that.