To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Ordering a child to step out of a photo is unkind whichever way you look at it. Ditto refusing to give them a gift on their birthday.

Your job as a mum is to protect your child from unnecessary distress, and that's best achieved by keeping her away from people who don't want her around. Husband can take charge of maintaining relationships between his side and DD5, but I wouldn't be attending any more of his family events. They're not your blood relatives, so by their own logic you owe them nothing.

Men dump their biological children just look at the girls actual father.

Also the dh hasn’t adopted her so he treats her as a step child not his child.

Does your eldest child’s grandparents have pictures up of your 5 year old?

I completely agree. To leave the ‘non-bio’ child out of family pictures is nasty.

@SpanishForkyou need to have strong words with your H. You are a blended family, for his parents to exclude your eldest from photos is petty and hurtful. Do they ignore her birthday? Not get her something at Christmas?

She isn’t his daughter, though

This

If they are pictures of the two children together, why not?

You absolutely cannot do this. It’s a ridiculous notion.

Yeah I agree with this don’t be making DD1 use family names like nanny etc to them make it clear to her that’s Tina or whatever her name is, then it’s not like her nan is excluding her.

Uggggg just read all the updates. It’s so depressing reading these threads all the time and how they go.

OP you can see how this situation is hurting your daughter (and you ) and then you just start defending their behaviour ?? Why do people blend families if they cant behave? 😪

Is it really fair to ask your daughter to grow up like is? In a “family” where she is always made to feel like she doesn’t really belong; where she will never be accepted, where she will come to analyse every situation from taking a photo, to attending a wedding, to receiving a Christmas present, from the lens of how she isnt really wanted? Please don’t do this to her.

It doesn’t matter if he has adopted her or not to whether he treats her like his!
And maybe he wants to adopt her, but the biological father won’t agree to it?
Yes some men do dump their kids, and I know on MN it seems to be loads, but actually the vast majority don’t.

Already been mentioned by the OP that the eldest child doesn’t see the GP on her biological dads side

She is in all but biology.

I’m pretty sure from the other thread she doesn’t even call him Dad, so not sure where you’re getting your information from.

PP’s point still stands regardless - even if he sees himself as her dad, it’s not automatic that others have to see her the same way.

She has met a paternal grandmother, what's best is likely to be for that grandparent to be engaged again... and it isn't clear why she wasn't contacted if there were hospital questions, or if the girl was upset afterwards. The other child's grandparents need to be told she's noticed the photos, birthday gifts or whatever and please involve her more closely as she doesn’t have involvement from the other side, but being kind is not the same as demanding that they financially level up at the expense of other grandchildren, and people ought to comprehend why that isn't fair.

@DurinsBane

From @SpanishForks other post about her in laws:

“My daughter does not call DH Daddy. He isn’t her father. Some posters think I am trying to erase the past but I am not.”

Crikey, firmly held at arms length away. Well, it isn't surprising his family are hugely confused in that case.

It's like there are higher expectations on these grandparents than the OPs own DH who was the one that had a choice in entering this family set up.

Ah, from this post it gave the impression he treated her as his own

Leaving your eldest daughter out of every photo would be very unkind.

But I totally understand that grandparents would mostly want photographs of their own grandchildren. If the marriage ever broke up, there's a good chance they'd never see your eldest daughter again, so it'd be a shame for them if there weren't any photos with just their grandchild.

As someone who grew up in blended families on both sides YABU. It’s fine for your ILs to not see your DD as their GC. Because she’s not. Absolutely no consideration or sensitivities went into step-GP dynamics when I grew up and it was absolutely fine. I had my own grandparents to enjoy I didn’t need someone else’s. I don’t know why children must be told they’re super special and loved by absolutely everybody. Not to mention if you and your DH split up they’d likely never clap eyes on your DD again

Have you read the thread?

Absolutely - @SpanishFork has been rather disingenuous on this thread, probably because it suits her narrative.

This is what it boils down to.

A lot of the posts have been about whether people think MIL and PIL are in the right. But this doesn't matter in the slightest. This family have well established attitudes, that look to apply across the board given the way BILs kids talk about themselves as half siblings. Depending on the age of his second lot of DC, those attitudes may even have been present already when OP chose to marry in. She is stuck with them.

The question therefore is OP manages this situation going forward. And in fairness to her, that's pretty much what the thread is about, albeit the photos plan is obviously a terrible one.

It’s a tricky situation and sad that DD1 is feeling excluded.
The last posts have just crystallised something I was wondering; how much of this is actually coming directly from DH. If he does not see himself as a father figure no wonder the wider family are following his stance.
It now seems to me the OP is the one not managing this situation. She has no contact with the child’s father and has ‘lost contact’ with his parents which surely hugely impacts DD1.
It further seems telling a 5 year old is supposed to enforce her, and DD1’s, wishes.
OP if you chose not to have DH in a ‘daddy’ role it was 100% on you to ensure your daughter kept in contact with her other grandparents and maybe even with her own father or just to manage everything better.
I can see it would be hard, and I’ve a feeling your DH really would not like it, but if you collectively have decided he is not her father figure you owe it to her to try to forge connections on that side, eventually even spending some of these weekends visiting them instead of just DH’s side.
As another side, where are your parents and siblings in all of this? Do you spend much time with them?
Could I kindly suggest, instead of trying to force things, actually discreetly speak to DH’s parents about maybe having one photo up that includes DD1 ‘because it would mean so much to you all’.
I also agree that you are not currently helping your daughter to realistically manage and process her feelings. It’s a great idea to have some special mum and daughter days instead of in law visits each time.
I hope you can find a way to improve how DD1 feels.