To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

You don't think telling a 5 year old to not allow anyone to take any photos of her without her sister is petty? That's not going to help her daughter at all.

This. It seems to be all about.... oh how does elder daughter feel?..... how is this affecting her? Elder daughter isn't being celebrated like we want.. so NO! Younger doesn't get to see her family, her wants and family ties aren't important if they dont centre her sister!! Have previously queried if people who think it's dreadful the eldest daughter isn't centred... do they agree that she shouldn't get to do anything fun with out her younger sister being involved and centred?

It seems to me that she knows this wasn’t the way to go reading her subsequent posts but there seems to be a piling on from from so many women who seem to relish that this poor child isn’t blood family. it’s unbelievable

I think some families have weird rules over 'blood' . My ds has NO contact with any of his birth dad's family, at all, ever, their decision.

My now DH has been an amazing dad to him, his family have totally accepted him as grandson/nephew. He now has a stepdaughter who is seen as our GC, and GGD and niece. Our extended family has more blends than a tea merchant! All accepted and all loved. The thought of excluding a known child , for whatever reason, does not sit well with me!

I agree, it’s a shame more people can’t think this way.

Really honestly you think its ok to be like this to a small child .thank goodness this is not our view my eldest grandchild is much adored and loved and she knows it .blood is nothing to do with it .

I'm so glad to read this. I was honestly despairing of people.

I’m sure she would, if he is her dad in all but biology, I’m sure he wouldn’t just dump her if he split up with her mum!

Highly likely? I would hope not, I would hope he would still treat her as his daughter, as he currently is! Yes some would stop contact, but I hope most people wouldn’t just dump their daughter (as it seems she is his daughter in all ways apart from biological)

The other thing is eldest DD could choose to build relations with her dad's side when older.
If she inherits from her dad or partenal GPs, would OP expect them to leave something for her youngest too?

My sibling is getting ready remarried to someone with kids. My parents will is changing to remove the grandkids, so the inheritance just goes to me and my siblings, so then we can decide on what to give to their grandkids. That way there is no issue of the step grandkids being included or not. I think this is a good way to stop any potential hurt in the future.

Why would that be terrible?? If it bothers them they could just take newer pictures showing the family as it is at that point.

My mum has a wooden family tree sculpture thingy she got years ago with all our names on and my brothers ex wifes name is on it. Just cos they're no longer together doesn't mean she needs to be expunged from history.

Equally a few years back my brother's then girlfriend and her daughter spent Christmas with us. They were in the group xmas photos. They're no longer together. If we look back at these photos later on, we'll just go, 'oh yes, I remember them', or 'oh what was her name?' But either way it's fine. It's a record of a time.

Right now OPs dd is part of that family and should be included in family photos.

I believe that statistically the majority of stepparents cease to have contact with stepchildren when a relationship has ended.

I remember the first post. The family have known the stepchild for years now and it is their own son’s choice to take her on as family. She is also a biological sister to their grandchild. I’m sorry but I find the GPs behaviour appalling, deliberately not showing photographs which she is in. What has biology even got to do with it? What if their son had non-biological adopted children? Would they treat them as inferiors too? Personally I would have the difficult conversation with the in laws.

Are you serious? You can't be. A 5 year old is not able to deal with such things. Why would they want pictures of someone not biologically related to them in family pics? I'm not sure why you're taking this so personally as this is something your husband should be addressing.

Biology determines she’s not their grandchild, so quite a lot. It may be unimportant to you, but that it’s disingenuous to consider this in any way unusual or surprising. Who knows how they would consider an adopted child? Not really relevant as that isn’t the situation.

The son doesn’t expect his parents to consider OP’s eldest their grandchild, and takes no issue with them not doing so.

it’s not a sustainable situation. The older child is already upset about feeling excluded and the mother, their son’s wife, is upset. It’s not a passing relationship, this child is established in the family fulltime. Yes you are right, if my son married someone with a child I wouldn’t dream of behaving in such a petty and spiteful way and cutting them out of a photograph.

Okay? Well, feel free to do you if ever the situation arises, I guess.

OP isn’t going to get what she wants. Her in laws aren’t going to treat her eldest as if she’s their grandchild, and her husband isn’t going to attempt to strong arm them into doing so. Nor is he going to deny his child a relationship with them. This is OP’s reality, and it’s one she’d be best served coming to terms with.

She can’t change the GPs but she can make her feelings count. Also there could be unintended consequences for the GPs further down the line. As the biological GD gets older she will notice her sister being excluded. She may not feel good about that for all sorts of reasons.

They know how she feels, and they’ve made it clear they’re not going to change to suit her.

Conversely, the youngest may very well feel fine about it, and consider her mother’s unrealistic expectations to be the problem.

Probably, but also probably not so when that step parent has taking the child on as their own, and not just as a step child.

I doubt that very much. Children and teenagers don’t think like adults. They can also ask awkward questions.

Because you don’t want it to be true. As if there haven’t been plenty of threads on here started by posters upset that their youngest children don’t in fact share the same ‘exactly the same’ opinion that they think they should hold.

I doubt she’ll struggle to grasp that her sister has a different father and paternal family to her, if she isn’t already aware of it and accepts it. It isn’t something a child will automatically consider weird, especially when the normality of this is reinforced by her large paternal family, complete with other half and step siblings.

I suspect you’d be surprised.

@SpanishFork - I’m really shocked by all these people saying your eldest daughter isn’t your PILs’ grandchild as if the only thing that counts is a blood connection. She is their step-grandchild - that should be enough. My mum remarried when I was 31. I acquired a stepdad and a stepbrother. In time, grandchildren were born on both sides. No-one distinguished between step-grandchildren and bio-grandchildren. I think your PILs sound quite callous.