To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Your 5 year old should be in the photo with her cousins.

When you choose to have children with two different people, these are the realities you are faced with. Your 5 year old shouldn’t be distanced from her her paternal family eg excluded from photos to make a point or miss out on events / days out / love from family just to make a point. You’re expecting her to handle your feelings by missing these sorts of things.

I was using it as an example of the myriad of things I didn’t consider such as how hurt I am about my children having different life experiences.

This is the issue though. You are making it about your feelings and your sadness that one of your children does not have the neat nuclear family set up that the other has. It's not other people's fault, or job to become the relatives your DD doesn't see.

I have so many different opinions on this post but it should come as a warning to anyone who is a single parent to a child where the child’s father/extended family are absent.. Find out your new partner’s opinions on these matters before having another child. It sounds so damaging to your first and excluded daughter. I personally would not treat any step children in my family differently but not everyone feels this way and you can’t force it. I have been in your shoes op with my own son and I had to just tell him the truth in the end.. Not everyone has hearts big enough and that’s there problem, I refuse to let it be rubbed in his face though so my husband visits his family alone.
Another thing for anyone with step grandchildren reading this thread to think about is this.. I grew up with four friends as a child, there were 2 younger girls and two older. There parents married and they became step siblings. They saw themselves as siblings and all got along well. I spent a lot of time around them, holidays and Christmas so got to know the grandparents of the younger two, like ops child the older girls had no contact with there mum or her family. They grew up calling there step grandparents Nan and grandad. 35 years later there family has gone to shit. The grandparents died and only left inheritance to the bio grandchildren. This came as a surprise and caused a huge shit storm. This was around 5 years ago now and sadly they have not been able to get over it, so the grandparents are dead and buried but there bio grandchildren have lost two siblings, and cousins who will never know each other. Christmas/birthdays/weddings all screwed. Not to mention the resentment that will inevitably grow between their own parents, worth asking yourself if it’s worth it.

They’re not her grandparents/cousins/whatever and they’ve been very clear they’re not going to act like they are. You can have the whole of mumsnet telling you they’re being unreasonable and pontificating about what they ‘should’ do, but so what? Are they going to care? No. Are they going to change? No. Your reality is what it is, and you would be wise to come to terms with it.

Your children have completely different paternal families, and as such don’t share all the same relationships. That your eldest doesn’t have a good relationship with her paternal family is not the fault of your in laws, and it isn’t something they need to step in and compensate for.

I agree and my half brother was always treated the same as other grandchildren as the rest of us. But people aren’t the same

Sorry OP, but unfortunately this is often the sad reality for children whose mothers choose to have more children with a man.

They cannot force his family to behave like she is their grandchild if they do not feel it.

I feel awful for children like your daughter as they are othered by their step fathers family and it can really sting.

But ultimately it is their mothers choices to have a second family and another child that puts them in this situation.

You can expect them to be kind to her, but for many people, sadly that is as far as they are prepared to go, and they will not see your child as their grandchild.

All she wants is for her daughter to not have it rubbed in her face.. All of this because they can’t be kind people and put her in a photo frame with her sister.

If I were you op I’d tell them how you feel, if they don’t change stop letting them be around your older child. I doubt your younger daughter will want to spend Christmas/birthdays/Easters at there house away from her mum and sister so it will be them who misses out anyway.

She can want it as much as she likes - it’s not something she’s going to get, and it would be foolish to expect them to provide it (unless of course she enjoys disappointment) when they’ve clearly and repeatedly communicated that they’re not going to.

And they can want a good future relationship with there biological grandchild all they want.. They probably won’t get one if she grows up watching her sister excluded and her mum upset.

Why wouldn’t they get that? OP’s youngest may very well have zero problem with it. I’d say that’s more probable tbh, as for her this is normal. Her sister doesn’t have the same paternal grandparents as her, so why would anyone behave differently?

There’s been plenty of threads on here where younger children have ended up resenting their parent, and older half sibling(s), for having that expectation of them, and/or for denying them relationships with their own family members.

I don't know any, but if I had a child I'd prepare them for such eventualities.

OP would have seen this early days when it was just her first DD.
If they didn't take interest then, then why would she expect them to suddenly change......

She chose to marry the guy as things were.

I wouldn't be surprised at how people treat step kids as I know people are different.

No one is denying the DDs are half sisters though (though OP and her DD don't like the term I believe?), or that they are each others family. But older DD isn't these people's blood family and these people cannot be forced to take older DD as their grandchild.

You might think they're wrong not to do it, but it doesn't make them 'scum'. Some people make a lot of blood relationships. I have adopted and step DC in my family and all are loved and treated equally, but not all families are the same.

It is older DDs father's family who have let her down, and younger DDs father's family can't be forced to make up for that. I bet OP would feel and behave much differently about these situations, if older DD had an extended family from her father's side like younger DD has.

Speak up be an adult.

Because it will affect her relationship with her grandparents. Op will get to the point where she won’t want to take her older daughter to there house any longer. Especially on occasions like Christmas where it would be really obvious that she’s not included as family. This will result in the younger sibling asking (I’m just using a made up scenario here) why she isn’t going to her grandparents at Christmas or why is she going with just her dad and not her mum and sister.. When she grows up and realises that it could all have been avoided by just a little bit of kindness to her sister she then
she May very well question weather she can be bothered with them. Of course she could side with them and not her mum and sister but that seems less likely.

Or she’ll blame her mother for having, as she sees it, unrealistic and unfair expectations of her family. Or maybe she’ll still have no problem with it and will be fine keeping the two camps separate.

She’s growing up in a family where this type of stepfamily dynamic is completely normal, as evidenced by her own cousins and step cousins. It does not automatically follow that her mother’s problem will become hers, and nor should anyone expect it to.

I don't believe that. If that was her goal, she wouldn't be instigating and shit stirring using a 5 year old child.

OP was going to coach her 5 year old to make a scene over pictures. That's a way to poison the family well for her 5 year old, not to make her eldest feel included.

That's low.

If her ultimate goal was inclusion, she would have married a man whose family included eldest as a part of their larger family.

Actually reading posts by other mums who had restricted or cut contact for the sake of older half siblings feelings 9/10 the younger sibling is pissed at the parent for what they feel is them keeping them from their family by favouring their sibling over them and trying to make their family be the other child’s family.

There has been a few long threads on here from mums all shocked that their adult children as mad as hell with them and their husbands fully backing HIS children.

Quite honestly the grandparents don't sound very nice if they'd upset a small child and exclude them. I'd probably not be taking any of the sisters to visit them until they stopped being mean to one DC. I was very lucky my in-laws welcomed my 2 DS's with open arms. They always treated them equally to their biological DGC. My DS's are adults now and they regularly go to visit their Nan. At over 80 she gets lots of visitors from DGC and she deserves this because she's always been such a loving Nan to them all. I wish your in-laws were this lovely to your little girl OP. It's so sad that they exclude her.

And that would bother her because????

This isn't what's happening though. You're talking about the grandparents just showing a little bit of kindness, how have they not done that? It sounds like they DO include all kids that are there at the time, e.g. everyone gets Easter eggs if spending easter together.

There is no reason at all for adults to make this a massive issue that impacts the children in any way.

Edited to add: there shouldn't be any 'sides' to take here. The grandparents aren't taking 'sides', it's petty stuff like OP is suggesting that will make this into a real issue.

I remember your other post.

I think it’s awful that they don’t include your oldest daughter. How long have you and your husband been together? If the youngest is 5 then it’s at least 6 years which means eldest was 3/4. I just find it very cold from the in-laws.

Without sounding awful it’s not their direct relation so they have every right to not want her in their family photos? I know that’s obviously not nice for you or your child but at the same time they may just genuinely want only their relatives on photos

@Feelinglost10 they may also not even realise she would mind. To be honest, for all we know they might be happy to put a photo of DD up at home if they knew this was really upsetting her. But as I've said quite a bit earlier I don't think that will solve the deeper feelings DD is dealing with.

It’s not petty to the OP or her daughter.