To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

YABU, Im sorry but if you end up doing this you are incredibly cowardly

Don't use your daughter as leverage just because youre too scared to confront your inlaws favouritism upfront

But you said no one had said those thingsbut yet they did and you’re trying to cover it by saying you are realistic when that has nothing to do with what you said.

Sue me

I agree. This opinion isn’t popular on MN though! Not sure why MM seems to have such a thing about making sure step families always know they are step!

Please don’t be too embarrassed now. It might be better to read replies first.

A random kid? Or their GC sister?

All a child sees and feels is that they are not part of the family and not wanted.

@SpanishFork I’m sure you posted about this a few weeks ago when DH and his cousins went off to a footie match & you had a medical appointment with your eldest & arrived back early. You mentioned photos then. I think you have to accept that PIL want photos of their bio grandchildren together. If you & DH separate then they won’t see your eldest really will they? I’m not saying that you will separate, but generally step children don’t stay in touch with step grandparents.

You need to stop expecting PIL to fill the gap left by her bio father & his parents. It’s not their fault that her Dad is no longer around.

They are half sisters so therefore they are family and anyone who doesn't treat them as such is scum.

Exactly

Tbh OP, I would talk to your in laws about this and explain how it makes you and your oldest DD feel.
I would say something along the lines of 'myself and dd love you all dearly. DD is starting to notice that you don't send her a birthday present but you send one to her sister which she doesn't make a fuss about as she knows she isn't your grandchildren, but you both hope you care about her enough to send a small token so she isn't left out. Also her been asked to step out of family pictures really upsets her. An6 suggestions on how this can be handled going forward? ,

I hope you manage to resolve it

Also, more importantly probably, the OP has already said her eldest does not see her biological dad, and her DH sees her as his daughter. So if they split up, she will still be the Grandparents sons daughter!

You're not unreasonable to want your eldest not to feel like she has to stand in the corner and not be allowed to join in for photos but I did vote YABU for your question of involving your 5yr old in the solution.
I'd speak to the in-laws and say it makes your eldest feel like shit and can they at least do some photos with her in and try not to be so bloody obvious about getting photos without her in, she's only a child and it's only a photo ffs its not like you're asking for much

She’s not their grandchild, it would be lovely if they treated her as if she was but if you divorce DH would they ever see her again? Do your ex partners parents treat your 5 year old like their grandchild?
Any rudeness etc. I’d not tolerate though.

Your child is far too young to be expected to handle this. Rather unfair of you to dump this on a very young child. You deal with it as an adult, not passive aggressively through your daughter, using her as a pawn. Have the conversation like a grown up if it bothers you this much. Don't involve an innocent child.

She won’t though. He’s not her dad even if he acts like he is , she’s not their grandchild.

Well that would depend on the breakup surely.

Always easy to promise you wouldn’t screw the other person other or cut contact from their step and yet it happens or the ex step parent gets a new partner and doesn’t want step anywhere near anymore.

This must be so so hard for you. I only have one child but DH has an elder child from a previous marriage. My parents are at pains to treat their only biological grandchild (my son) exactly the same as his sister (my step daughter). They get equal gifts and savings contributions etc. They are of the opinion that there is more to family than biology and I couldn’t be prouder of them for that.

however, you shouldn’t put your small child in the middle of things and you should take financial precautions to protect your elder child in the future.

You don’t know that he won’t t want to see her

Also, more importantly probably, the OP has already said her eldest does not see her biological dad, and her DH sees her as his daughter. So if they split up, she will still be the Grandparents sons daughter!

I doubt that very much. If they have split up, it's highly likely that the OP would never see these grandparents and the younger daughter would see them when she is with her dad. The older daughter probably wouldn't go to the step dad's house.

But they’re not splitting upas far as we know

I had an incredibly close bond with my grandparents but I would have been horrified had they behaved in a less loving way to my step "cousins". Fortunately they weren't hideous people.

@SpanishFork I don’t meant to be difficult but could it be that you’re really very conscious your eldest isn’t your husband and feeling extra sensitive. If they really are excluding and it’s not a manifestation of your complex about it (sorry to sound blunt) then that’s bloody awful and you need to pull them all up. Don’t let either children be aware of this or ask them to manage it.

I think you're being unfair. Of course the grandparents might want pictures with their grandchild. You are being ridiculous.

This. Your husband has chosen to accept your daughter as a stepchild, his extended family don't have to. They aren't related to her by blood & for a lot of people, extended family relationships are primarily that.

Your grandparents were obviously decent people not fixated on blood relatives