To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

OP has said that her elder daughter has no contact with her biological dad or his parents. Therefore, she has one set of grandparents, not three, as her in-laws don't treat her like a grandchild either.

So a 9 year old girl ‘s feelings are silly?

I honestly find the ops and some posters here reasoning confusing.
On one hand..... its very upsetting and distressing for elder daughter to have no parental family involvement, it's very upsetting and anger inducing for the DHs parents to not recognise the eldest dd as equally familial as their own grand-daughter despite them being kind and buying gifts etc.... so to make it 'fair' the answer is for OP to block and expect her husband to agree with this and prevent younger dd from having a rrelationship with her own grand-parents, while still decrying the elder dds for not being involved?,

But OP scuppered it by accident as she thought they were just looking after her younger daughter while she took her elder daughter to a hospital appointment which finished earlier than expected. She went to pick up her younger daughter and found a party, that she didn't know about, in full swing.

You are framing their attempt to exclude OP's older daughter from a family event as an act of kindness which backfired when OP unwittingly turned up with her elder daughter to collect her youngest.

No the mums are. In a blended family there are different sides to families. There are differences they gave different parents and grandparents. They have to learn to accept they can't have everything

That's so sad. When we did a cousins pic we asked my cousins half siblings to join because even though we only met them when they were 16/18 they were our youngest cousins siblings and as a result one of the gang. They live with my auntie and she's their children's Granny so they're cousins. I don't have the relationship with them I do with cousins I'm close to, but it's no different from the cousins I'm not close to.

I don't share blood with my husbands family, and his family didn't get asked about a relationship with me, but we're now a family and they don't ask me to step out of photos. So I always think that argument is a little weak. They didn't ask to be step grandparents, in laws or grandparents but the reality is they are. I don't get the upset in having an extra child in a family photo. I agree when it comes to inheritance I can see how it's so complex. But their son is raising this child. Surely that means something.

She said no such thing. If you read the thread she said she didn’t want to do that

The Mum’s feelings aren’t silly at all. She is just hurt for her daughter or don’t her daughters feelings count?

You would think so wouldn’t you. But according to some posters the daughter is just a random child and should expect not to get everything in life. Quite unbelievable really

Hurt for her daughter that she isn't treated exactly the same by other other daughter's grandparents. And it sounds like they do include her quite a lot, actually. She wasn't left out at the party etc, she's been left out in terms of the photo they chose to display in their house.

But again I think this hurt really is about the absence of her own parents and grandparents rather than this quite small difference in how she is treated.

I think her eldest daughter not being invited to a family wedding when her youngest is is quite a big snub in my opinion

This. I get that the older DD is struggling and therefore the OP is hurt for her. Reading the previous thread that mentioned the consultant appointment and how upset she was at it being pointed out that they are half sisters makes me think that even if these grandparents fell in line and did everything that the OP wanted there would still be difficult feelings about her paternal family.

The mother is doing more damage by trying to force this situation than the step grandparents are by not having her in photos

Absolutely.

I am not sure if a member of my wider family would invite my SD to a wedding. My guess is some would, some wouldn't. If they didn't, my SD might be disappointed. But that would be balanced by the fact she actually has a much bigger family on her mum's side so does a lot of fun family stuff that my DD obviously isn't included in. We have raised them all from an early age to understand that they each will have different experiences and opportunities, and that is okay. But that kind of attitude is something that needs to be taught. As OP's DD doesn't have that balance on her dad's side, that's why I'm saying she needs to do some work to support her daughter to build her self worth and identify and why she's special, she doesn't need to be exactly the same as her sister and have the same history. Hopefully there will be things in her life that she will enjoy that will be just for her. That would be a better outcome.

No one is saying that at all. We are saying that she shouldn't be treated exactly like a grandchild by people who are not her grandparents. Not rocket science.

I think her eldest daughter not being invited to a family wedding when her youngest is is quite a big snub in my opinion

In my experience at least, a lot of these situations are due to the fact that wider family just aren’t that au fait with everyone’s individual living situation. The wedding was the DH’s cousin. Chances are the cousin knew that DH was married to someone called Spanish and that they had a DD. The cousin may well not have known that Spanish has a DD from her first marriage whose dad isn’t on the scene and so she lives with them all the time. When they were told of the situation and asked if the older child could come, she was invited without fuss. I went to my BIL’s wedding, not because I’m “me” but because I’m DH’s wife. I’m invited as a courtesy to DH - yes, by name because they know me, but in reality I’m just an elevated plus one. I suppose the concision (if I’m right that it was borne out of ignorance rather than as an attempt to the OP and her DD) that naturally flows from that is that the DH’s parents don’t make much mention of the older DD within the wider family. But then it comes back to the same thing - that she’s not their grandchild.

Yes they are saying it. Read the thread again!

@MummytoE See

@MummytoE you might one to read the above comment about the random kid especially as you said no one had said anything about a random child

They said IF the parents split up she will become a random child, not that she currently is one

I see nothing here

She is still being called a random child which you seem to find acceptable

No you wouldn’t would you.

Nope, cause I'm realistic about this situation