To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Thinking about the taking turns with photos thing. I know it's not the point of the thread but, none of the photos would have all of the children in as one would always be taking the photo. It might be done on purpose but, it could also be they're just choosing the photo with all of their grandchildren actually in it. Either way, not the most important thing here, which is OP's DDs feeling about her absent father.

Sure, that will help. And then she’d be the only child not to have a turn taking photos

So why not get an adult to take a photo with all the children in it and display that one?

I do agree that It certainly isn’t t appropriate at all for a 5 year old to deal with it. If I were the op I would take the older child off to do something else
whist the husband took the other daughter to see the grandparents and let him explain why she and the other daughter aren’t there. I do think op has a husband issue here as he is very keen to minimise the upset caused to the older child rather than reflect on it.

As tempting as this idea is, it's ultimately counterproductive. It's still involving a child in the OP's issue with her in laws, will not endear the in laws to either the OP or her child, and will draw her child's attention to the fact that she's not imagining it, and that they really are asking her to take the pictures so she's not in them.

Surely having a quiet word with the in laws and explaining that the difference in treatment is noticeable and it hurts her daughter's feelings, and would it really kill them to display a photo with her in it once in a while is more likely to have the desired effect.

That would be the answer if they wanted a photo with all of them in. But as I said, I don't think the photos are the real issue here.

Trying to get a 5 year old to cause a family issue by refusing to have pix taken at events without OP's eldest is awful. OP is scared to say something herself but wants to put that on a 5 year old. Guess what. They will know exactly where it's coming from.

@SpanishFork , do your own dirty work. If you have something to say to them, say it yourself.

Really the best thing would be for DH to look into adopting older DD.

Other than that, I don't see much of a husband issue here. He simply disagrees with OP, who hasn't shown herself to have the better attitude of the two on the issue given the way she wanted to manage the photo situation. OP could make it a deal breaker that he speak to his family and relay her position, despite his disagreement, but even then it's quite conceivable that it has no beneficial effect.

I'm not talking about blending seamlessly, wth does that even mean? Nothing about my nuclear bio family is seamless. It's sometimes chaos but when everyone means well the foundations are good.

If my son loved someone with children then I would treat them with the love he would want for them and grow to love them myself. I am more than capable of loving all children, and entirely incapable of singing them out. If I pop to the shop with extra kids in the car they're getting treats too. Family is not an elite club for us.

If I'm taking photos at an event I'm getting everyone in who wants to be in it. I wouldn't ask an adult friend to step out never mind a child. Photographs document a time, an event, and a snapshot of who you were when it was taken.

As for the 'you might split up' thing. Who the hell plans emotions according to what might go wrong? Be a warm and kind and welcoming step-person, there's no need to do differently.

So many posters seeing the new step-family as a second chance or do-over for their own mistakes first time round. These poor eldest children stuck in the middle. Adults filled with regret, manifested - with just cause - in the lesser treatment their older children receive, trying to force the solution to the problem on another family who are just going about their business, then getting upset when that family doesn’t do an about-turn to facilitate the easing of their own regret and remorse. I wonder whether these adults trying for a second chance ever say anything to the step-grandparents directly. I can’t imagine how that would go. To their spouses, sure, but actually to the step-grandparents? Putting themselves directly in the line of hearing a harsh truth which once heard, can never be unheard?

Op is asking for her child, who is close enough to this family to be invited along to family gatherings to be included in a couple of photos not for them to re write there wills. They probably should understand that their bio grandchild in this family is probably going to grow up and think they are not very nice people. The ops daughter is their bio granddaughters sister! The stepdaughter will eventually not want to go around there (and if she were my child I wouldn’t want them around her) and when the younger sibling grows up and learns why she’s probably going to really resent the divide that’s been caused by people not being able to be kind decent beings and not exclude her sister.

She is included in photos. They take it in turns who takes the photos. The grandparents choose which photos to display, and and OPs DD isn't in those. You might think that's mean but it is their choice.

The IL clearly try to be kind to the DD, OP has said they're kind, they buy her an Easter egg, they invite her to things. But they don't see her as their grandchild and they can't be forced to. They even had a grandchild event when OP and her DD were busy, so she wouldn't feel excluded, and OP scuppered it by turning up with her DD and then being annoyed that her DD felt left out. They clearly try not to obviously exclude her but they also clearly aren't her grandparents.

OP is trying to force these people to see her DD as family and they don't. You can't make them. They can't be made to make up for the DDs absent paternal family.

It's not disgusting, it's reality. Grandchildren have a very special bond with grandparents and that should be respected regardless of what step children are in the picture

If you’d read that party post the OP didn’t scupper the party at all. She didn’t know it was happening so how could she have scuppered it?

I meant she scuppered their attempt to prevent older DD from knowing about it and therefore feeling left out. These people are making efforts to be kind to the older DD and not to obviously differentiate between her and their grandchildren. They're not overly cruel to the older DD but they also don't see her as their grandchild. It's a shame but it's how it is, and OP needs to stop trying to force it, it's only hurting her and her DD.

That's vile. A child shouldn't be punished or made to feel like a leper for being born to particular parents. What mistake would you say had been made in the case of someone having children with a person who later dropped dead, leaving them a single parent?

Agreed

*some grandchildren. Blood doesn't equal a good relationship

No it doesn't , and neither does your son marrying someone who happens to have a child. You can't force these things, it helps no one

Nobody is asking for them to instantly feel the same. They are asking for the children to be treated the same. To have the child not feel beneath the others in the room, when they're bloody nine fgs and with their sister.

No. What is "vile" (I don't like the word and it's far too strong in this situation, but I'm deliberately quoting you) is the parent of a child putting that child - actively choosing a home life for her - where that child is going to be treated differently from her half-sibling because of her parentage. THAT is punishing your child for your own mistakes.

Many, many children are punished and made to feel like lepers for being born to particular parents. You only need to pick up a newspaper on any given day to know this. Thankfully this child is well cared for and loved and looked after by at least one parent. Hopefully this is the only fly in the ointment for her. Many children don't even have that. NONE of those children are treated fairly, and it's wrong for ALL of those children.

I was waiting for someone to bring up the "what it" scenario of a deceased parent. I'm afraid it says more about you than the world that you can equate an absent/divorced/useless father with a prematurely deceased one, and the situation of the child of the former with the child of the latter. I cannot believe for a second there would be as many threads like this about step-grandparents to a young child dealing with the grief of a loving and cherished but prematurely deceased parent (whose own parents, if still alive, would like be falling over themselves for their granddaughter). That doesn't happen in real life other than rarely. The vast majority of people aren't monsters. These grandparents aren't monsters either. They have an opinion on who is/isn't in their nuclear (as opposed to extended) family, and that's it. It's unconscionable that you would label them "vile" for it.

I disagree

That sounds painful. I hope you’re doing ok @Gettingbysomehow. People can sometimes unintentionally be cruel 😔. It’s not nice to exclude children just because they’re not related to you biologically.

Exactly. OP, although I empathise with how you’re feeling, I voted that you’re being unreasonable precisely because I don’t think the onus should be on a child to fix or address things that can be easily dealt with by mature adults.

Why are you putting this responsibility on a 5 year old. It's perfectly ok for the grandparents to take a photo of just their grandchild. You're being silly