To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Absolutely no need to be so nasty in your reply

This

Why wouldn’t the future biological children of your DS not be your grandchildren?

I think what she means is that if her DS has more children, that doesn't make his stepchildren her grandchildren. The children are the half-siblings of any future grandchildren. And have another set of grandparents somewhere else.

If this prevented your youngest from having a relationship, I would explain that they are not nice people and didn't accept that her sister was daddy's daughter because they're not related by blood.

That's idiotic. Don't ruin a loving grandparent/grandchild relationship because your older child's dad and grandparents are useless. THEY are the ones who have truly let DD down and supporting DD to deal with that is the first priority.

DH is not her dad, he's her stepdad. That's a different situation, even if he is the best step dad ever and she loves him like a father. It doesn't make up for the actions of her biological family. Taking issue with grandparents of your other daughter, who actually are involved and sounds like are generally pretty good to your eldest too, will not solve this for her.

Blended families are different to nuclear families. You need to embrace and accept the differences and work with them. Not try and wedge a blended family into a nuclear family mould as that will only lead to disappointment and frustration. She KNOWS her father isn't around. Trying to gloss over that will just leave her feeling more alienated.

That’s how I read that also that even if her son then has his own children making the steps half siblings the steps still won’t be her grandchildren.

I think YABU for two and a half reasons. One, it's their right to only want proper blood relatives in (some) photos. Stepchildren are not true members of the family in the same way other children are. As a stepmother you might see it one way but you can't expect people without a "skin in the game" to see it the same way.

Two, it's unfair to expect your real daughter to police this for you.

The final, half a reason, is that even if you manage to shoehorn the stepchild into every photo, they'll just digitally manipulate the images to erase her. It's easily done and gets easier by the year. Not every manipulated photo is scrutinised like the Princess of Wales's.

@Dotjones I do kind of disagree with one point here. She is part of the family. She is the sister of their granddaughter. It's not the same as a grandchild but she is a family member!

Yeah but the grandparents want a photo of just grandchildren, not grandchildren and their half siblings. It's not ideal but it's the price we pay for blended families

And OP has said they treat her with kindness and buy her presents ect. If they didn’t treat her with kindness that would be awful but to not treat her the exact same as a grandchild by not saving for an ISA for her is perfectly reasonable!

I say this with kindness OP - if you are still reading that is! - this is clearly something that has occupied your thoughts and perhaps you are not thinking rationally - involving a 5 year old in family politics is not rational. Family therapy or any blended family support groups to help navigate being in a blended family would probably be your best next step to help support both your children.

Yes I think that's fine. As I said she's not their granddaughter, it's a different relationship. But saying she's not part of the family isn't quite right. It's a different kind of relationship.

I said it's a different relationship twice sorry!!

For example, I don't save in an ISA for my nephew (DH's sister's son). But he is part of my family. Just not my son! So I treat him differently to my children!

That is true. She’s part of the extended family but not a grand child. It’s seems her DHs parents treat her as an extended part of the family and not as a grandchild though and as they treat her younger daughter as a grandchild- as she is- it is this differentiation which has upset OP.

Yes and I think OP is directing her frustration with this in the wrong place. DD has been let down badly by her own father and grandparents. It sounds like she needs support with that, rather than getting annoyed with younger DD's grandparents. That won't solve anything.

Maybe not many people you know do, but I don't know of a single family in this situation who treat the step children any differently. If I did, we'd no longer be friends. This attitude is absolutely disgusting.

Well heaven above if the grandparents had their rights impinged on.

Your daughter presumably has your parents and her bio dad's parents who might want her, as their grand-daughter, in their family photos. And if, for some reason they can't/ don't, you do not get to co-opt others into the vacuum left by her bio family. Why should she effectively have 3 sets of grandparents when your other daughter only has two? Why should she be in the family photos of people who are not related to her? Unless your DH has formally adopted her as his child then you are the one who is being ridiculous. Set reasonable expectations with her so she doesn’t end up feeling sidelined and excluded. You're the one who made her a step-daughter, not your in-laws.

so you wouldn't have photos of a wedding on display for example? If your son marries a woman, she isn't related to you by blood either. Do you insist on only having photos of the groom taken?

I think it's pretty clear that she does not have three sets of grandparents, or even two sets of grandparents.

This is a much more sensible approach than OPs.

If it bothers you that much the idea of your children with different fathers having potential life differences because of it, either don't create the situation in the first place, make it an utter deal breaker with any new partner or, if neither of the first two, take responsibility for managing it as an adult.

You have no idea what was said between the op and her husband prior to their having another child

I think others are right that you need to deal with this yourself but honestly, I cannot imagine being like this with a step child/grandchild. I don’t get the obsession with blood, your daughter is part of your DH’s family and as such is part of the wider family.
and I get that this might not stretch to inheritance, but to not include a child in family photos is just plain spiteful and I think that it says a lot about them as people. I’d think less of them.

I know what she's saying now, however.

And regardless of what the OP and DH may have said to each other at any point, the feelings of his other family members are not his to control or agree with a partner. That's not how any of this works. The deal breaker I refer to is him doing as much as he can, but even then he's not in charge of his parents.

Which is why the post I quote and you agreed with is wiser. @Binchicken had a better idea for how to deal with the situation than trying to manage it via a 5 year old.

Also I’d be telling your DD to take photos of them if they ask but to always miss off heads or one person, or do a group shot as portrait, or shake it a little. They’ll soon stop asking her.