To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

I hope after 10 pages OP can finally say how ridiculous, childish and unfair it is to involve a 5 year old in her adult hang ups.

My in laws shot themselves in the foot by treating my eldest differently to bio grandchildren. The balance of power/needs shifts very decisively as our parents get older and they start needing more time, kindness and (sometimes) financial support from their children and grandchildren.

It is me, not DH that contacts PILs, buys them gifts, thinks of them. They have a now adult step grandchild that makes themself scarce when they are here, my younger DC are more inclined to do the same as a result.

We are the closest geographically and offer most support. They see the the golden grandchild of golden child barely once a year.

We would have a much easier more frequent relationship if they had gone all in with eldest DC. It would have been very little trouble for them to do so.

They have had subsequent step grandchildren that are just grandchildren, but the relationship with our family could have been closer, had they behaved differently. We are the closest to them and see them the most.

I hate this focus on the "biological" grandkids. Step children are essentially adopted children. If you marry someone with children you are taking them on.

If OPs H loves the child like his own then wtf does biology matter? They're family in all the ways that matter.

Yep. As long as the in-laws are kind to her dd generally then having the hump over a set of photos is excessive.

I think this is a really good point. That the feeling of anticipating the grandchild starts the love before they've even met.
Which is why adoption has similar to a biological child They'll have gone through the highs and lows of the adoption process. The excitement of maybe being matched, and maybe the distress when one doesn't work out. The visits etc and the final adoption.
So by the time they're adopted they've been through so much for the child.

I have a ten year old. It hurts my heart to think of a group of adults asking her to “step out” of a photo in that manner.

However, I don’t believe there is any point in trying to force these things (or it’s all meaningless anyway), so here is what I would do.

I’d stop seeing them myself and I’d absolutely stop putting my eldest into these situations. I’d use the time where my husband wanted to take the youngest to see her grandparents, to do some really fun stuff with my eldest (I also have a seven year old and I never get much 1 on 1 time with either of them, so I’d turn it into an opportunity for that).

I’d be entirely open with everyone as to why it was this way.

Honestly - I’d also be questioning my marriage if my husband was honestly ok with the different treatment. My daughter would come first and I think it would be extremely difficult for me to be in a marriage to someone who didn’t feel as strongly. But to be honest, I wouldn’t impose step parents on my children. And this is one of the many reasons why.

This is just ridiculous. The idea that you marry someone and the families blend seamlessly is a fiction. Would you expect your child to see your new husband as their father? I doubt it. Most bio parents would not like it one little bit if their child saw no difference between them and their step-parent.

Two adults have decided to get married. That’s it. The idea that both extended families are going to love each other unconditionally is baffling. I’d say it’s a win to even like your in-laws - bank that and be grateful

The attitude to step children on Mumsnet is weird in the extreme. I'm a step child and have never been treated any differently by my grandparents (shock, yes they're MY grandparents too even though we're not biologically related!). If I hadn't been, my parents would have sorted that damn quickly although fortunately they're not the kind of people who'd ever behave like that.

My cousins are step children too and the thought of them being excluded from family photos is just frankly bizarre.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP, but this isn't on your little one to sort. It needs to be dealt with by you and your partner.

Step children are not the same as adopted children!

She isn’t their grandchild. In fact she has nothing to do with them at all. Be grateful that they even acknowledge her existence and aren’t at your own admission horrible to her.

I always wonder about these situations where there are stepchildren that weren't adopted by the new partner. Why were they not adopted? Because they still have a father and a family there, in most cases.

So while I can see it sucks, it doesn't seem illogical or wrong for the stepfamily to conclude: if she is not your daughter, she is not my granddaughter.

(Now, if the child were adopted and the parent had made that commitment, I think it would be wrong for the grandparents to not accept that commitment.)

What a low bar to accept for your child, though.

I agree with curly. They are NOT essentially adopted children.

It's like saying "you should treat my partner in X ways though we are not married because it's as if we were married". But you aren't though, are you. You could be, but you are not. If YOU aren't committed to be married why should I be committed to you being married?

If you have not adopted this child and made that commitment, why should I?

OP should be grateful that they acknowledge her existance? Wow, that's a low bar.

Of course they don't need to treat her the same as their biological grandchildren but they should think about whether their behaviour directly upsets a fairly young child. If she is treated so differently in group situations, OP should stop attending these events with her elder daughter.

OP's is an adult and she should be better equipped to deal with rejection, but her daughter is not and should not be put in situations where there is blatant rejection by her step-family which makes her feel upset.

It's a shame you didn't anticipate the different treatment when they're not your daughter's GP.

Your DH fell in love with you, they didn't and can't be expected to love your DD the same way.

Not many people do, despite what's said.

You should have prepared your daughter for such eventualities and explained the family dynamics in a positive factual way.

It's not right to exclude her, but it's not wrong to treat their DGC how they like.

SIL plays a role too and it's probably something she's mentioned to her parents.

Blood is thicker than water OP.

Would you rather your youngest didn't have an ISA so theyre both the same?

I understand your feelings on this matter but seriously, if telling a five you old to do something that adults are unwilling to do is out of order. This is an adult issue involving supposed adults and it’s their job to handle it. Involving a five year old because you think it’s the path of least resistance is shameful. Think about how the five year old would feel, the responsibility of the ask and the feeling of guilt when the carrying out of the task failed because their request was brushed aside.

Eugh. Can't believe the disgusting attitude of so many posters on here. Would you say the same of an adopted child because they are not biologically related either?

Every single one of you who has said that a step child should not be included in family photos should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

The point is she’s not being treated differently in group situations. All the children take it in turn to take photos, including her. The grandparents are displaying the photos she takes so she’s not in them. Personally I think it would be nice to include one with her but they don’t and are otherwise nice to her

@Lilacmonsteri don’t think that is a particularly unpopular opinion. I think many people feel this way.

However, a lot of them ( not all, but a lot) are people with skin in the game. Namely people who have kids and want their step grandparents to treat them the same as their biological grandparents.

whilst I do agree with you that deliberately excluding step children is awful, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. The photographer was being rotated, as pp said. So she won’t have felt excluded. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the grandparents to want a pic of just their bio grandchildren.

I have heard of grandparents who don’t give gifts at Christmas etc which is just vile. I would make sure I had a gift for any child who happened to be present on a gift giving occasion (Christmas, Easter etc) whether they were family or not, so to exclude a stepchild in this way is deliberate and incredibly hurtful and not something I could accept.

However, in blending families, you do have to accept that there may always be a difference between biological and step grandchildren.

Some grandparents don’t make a distinction and I think that’s great and very welcoming of them.

However, for the ones who are somewhere in the middle - including the child, buying gifts, being kind etc….but also wanting a photo of just their biological grandkids, I think that’s ok too.

what if OPs ex was involved and his family was involved - would OP be posting on how to deal with the unfairness of her elder child getting two Easter eggs? What if her ex partner had lots of money and elder dd was going to get a huge inheritance. Unfortunately in blended families not everything is equal. Personally I feel your ire should be directed at your ex and his family. They are the ones who should be stepping up and they are not.

Why are people comparing with adoption? That's not the same thing at all. A child who is adopted severs all links with their birth family and legally and socially becomes a full part of their adoptive family.

A step-child or half-sibling still has another set of grandparents on the (usually) father's side. In this particular case the paternal grandparents and father are useless and don't bother with their relative which is sad. But they are still her family, however shit a family they are. You cannot expect another set of unrelated people to pick up the slack for the shitness of the child's grandparents/biological father.

Exactly!! Look at all the hysteria and rage on here when a SM makes any parenting decisions! So basically all posters here berating the step grandparents are you agreeing a stepmum is equal to birth mum?

Excellent point about the potential for OP to cause resentment from her younger DD, if she doesn't handle this properly.

Don't be daft @CaptainFuture - SM's have to fund, compromise for, prioritise their SC but MUST NOT take any decisions about them, for fear of overstepping. Obviously the same double standard applies to GP who must treat all children the same, regardless of lack of actual relationship, because of SGC poor paternal options. Some posters on there think that equality is so important that the actual GC should be stopped from seeing her perfectly nice and loving GP if her half sibling is not treated exactly the same by a family who have no biological relationship to her or and had no choice around her inclusion in their family... SMH.

She is not a random child. And you can’t base photos on the idea that a couple will split up. Honestly!