Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

418 replies

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 10/04/2025 07:15

Why did everyone let this awful woman talk to them the way she did just because it was her hen do?

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 07:15

Swiftie1878 · 10/04/2025 06:24

Save the date is earlier, but tradition is 6 weeks for a wedding invitation.

Edited
Show quote history

What is the point of a 'save the date' note? To me, that tells me there is an event, i will be invited, therefore why do i need a second invitation?
And if then i'm not invited, then it's bloody rude

LochKatrine · 10/04/2025 07:16

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 07:15

What is the point of a 'save the date' note? To me, that tells me there is an event, i will be invited, therefore why do i need a second invitation?
And if then i'm not invited, then it's bloody rude

Show quote history

Yes, I was wondering the same. This seems like a recent thing.

Pipsquiggle · 10/04/2025 07:17

The hen do just sounds like a cluster fuck in terms of organisation and bridezilla behaviour

It sounds like a really poorly chosen venue that actively keeps groups of people apart - max 6 people at dinner, no big rooms to share / congregate etc - this alone changes the dynamic of a hen do massively. That's on the bride though not you.

The lack of little activities/ sashes etc also is poor - that's on MOH / bridesmaids.

Just wondering if most of the hen do were American? Are hen dos different in America? Don't the MOH /bridesmaids organise anything?

Sounds like you don't see this person a lot, she lives in a different continent so if you wanted to step away from this friendship I wouldn't blame you.

I just can't believe all the cost involved. If finances were an issue, I definitely would be stepping back

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/04/2025 07:18

I think some people, like this bride, are not cut out for rolling with fate's punches. She had hopes and they were dashed. Her plans were in tatters. I have sympathy for this sort of rigidity, actually. I fear I might be the same!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/04/2025 07:19

I'm sorry you had such a shit time.
I wouldn't go, she is not a nice person, completely selfish.

OxfordInkling · 10/04/2025 07:19
  1. If you have the funds it was very kind of you to cover the cost for the friend that had to drop out. If she really couldn’t pay.
  2. You’re crazy for spending that much on a hen do and being willing to do the same for a wedding. That’s a couple of last minute AI holidays for your whole family! But if you can afford it, never mind.
  3. why would you want to continue this friendship? You seem a bit of a doormat in relation to her. And she seems poisonous. She’s a drama queen who runs off into the night to cause a scene, tries to control everyone around her, gaslights them, and talks out of both sides of her mouth.
Traybake4 · 10/04/2025 07:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ScrewtopRose · 10/04/2025 07:20

Blimey. The only reason I’d be contacting the bride again would be to tell her how much I regretted spending so much money on such a terrible event.

Traybake4 · 10/04/2025 07:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SwanOfThoseThings · 10/04/2025 07:21

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 07:15

What is the point of a 'save the date' note? To me, that tells me there is an event, i will be invited, therefore why do i need a second invitation?
And if then i'm not invited, then it's bloody rude

Show quote history

It's to check availability - normally sent out early enough that, if too many people can't make it, the date can be changed.

Overhaul54 · 10/04/2025 07:21

Gettingbysomehow · 10/04/2025 07:08

I'll never understand why people have these expensive stags and hens when 50% of marriages end in divorce. Ridiculous.

For that exact reason?

I mean marriage means less than it used to for women. We can earn well, raise children and a great circle of friends without marriage.
A good hen do and wedding is something friends can remember ( and actually terrible ones are really funny 20 years later). Makes sense to do them your way.

Xwx1010 · 10/04/2025 07:22

Bride sounds awful.

just on a side note, something which really bothered me: I doubt very much the MOH would not have been honest about having a miscarriage (if that’s not what you were implying, apologies) please don’t fuel that. As someone who has had to repeatedly cancel things due to MC, infertility, ivf you already feel like the worlds worst friend; if someone was to question this, it would send me over the edge.

DoddlesMcDoddle · 10/04/2025 07:23

SwanOfThoseThings · 10/04/2025 07:21

It's to check availability - normally sent out early enough that, if too many people can't make it, the date can be changed.

Show quote history

I think 'save the date' things are extremely rare here. It is not at all the done thing. It seems to be an American thing. I honestly don't know anyone who has ever sent or received a 'save the date' notice, and I go to lots of weddings.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 07:24

SwanOfThoseThings · 10/04/2025 07:21

It's to check availability - normally sent out early enough that, if too many people can't make it, the date can be changed.

Show quote history

Too much faff, bending over backwards to accommodate a tonne of people whose dates will never synch.
Bugger it. If they cannot make the date determined, then tough, they won't be there!
It's all getting rather ridiculous

TheObligingSwan · 10/04/2025 07:24

I'm still in the group chat, and one just sent a snarky story about "girls not having the back of other girls"
They all sound about 15 years old, not 35-40!! Honestly this sort of high school level drama shows women in a very poor light. I would be ending this friendship without a backwards glance.

I expect the Daily Mail will pick this up so prepare to be outed OP.

VonRyansExpress · 10/04/2025 07:26

Stinkbomb · 09/04/2025 23:41

£2.5k for a hen do?? Wtf??? And a further £2k for the wedding, to put up with this behaviour - fuck that.

Exactly this.

What were you thinking OP.??

Please don't tell us you are going to the wedding 😯

Loopytiles · 10/04/2025 07:27

The last minute no shows should have paid their share.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 10/04/2025 07:27

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

If you hadn’t stated your ages I would have thought you were talking about a group of teenagers!

Why do people put up with this nonsense, why agree to spend such a ridiculous amount of money on something that sounds so utterly ghastly? In my experience people don’t become like this temporarily, they ARE like this, and I certainly wouldn’t be prepared to spend any more time or money on it.
Friendships move on sometimes, I’d be tempted to take this opportunity to move on from this one if I were you.

Loopytiles · 10/04/2025 07:28

YABU for going at all! For that cost & arrangement of subsidising others

GRCP · 10/04/2025 07:30

She wanted to be made a fuss of in a traditional way but had a very non traditional hen do. People felt they were doing enough by spending four figures to attend. If they had a local, one day/evening event everyone would have attended and there would have been more bride specific activities. I blame Instagram.
Do you want to go to the wedding?

nomas · 10/04/2025 07:31

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 07:15

What is the point of a 'save the date' note? To me, that tells me there is an event, i will be invited, therefore why do i need a second invitation?
And if then i'm not invited, then it's bloody rude

Show quote history

Save the date won’t have all the details that a wedding invitation has. We didn’t send a save the date, but we had things like order of events (such as start of ceremony), which we wouldn’t have been able to include in a save the date.

Fluffyholeysocks · 10/04/2025 07:31

My first thought is do you want to fix this? Do you want to pay thousands for more awkwardness at the wedding? It sounds like the bride holds grudges so why would you want to go? I'd cut my losses - I bet you won't be the last 'no show' at the wedding after all the tongue lashings the bride gave out!

PermanentTemporary · 10/04/2025 07:33

Tbh I’d take a close look at my own wishes for friendships and wonder if this entire circle of people is one I want to stay part of. I wouldn’t write emails or letters telling the bride off. If you don’t want to go to the wedding, then don’t. I agree that the relationship will be dead if you don’t go, and I hate that this is how friendships look now. If you want to stay on some sort of terms with the bride, then grit your teeth, minimise the cost as much as you can and go. But I’d be amazed if you are still real friends in 5 years tbh.

AthWat · 10/04/2025 07:34

If you ask people to pay a lot of money to go to your hen do somewhere abroad, then of course it's going to be a holiday for those that do go, and of course they haven't come "just for you". There might be one or two people who might do that "just for you", but if you think a large group are going to, then who the bloody hell do you think you are?

If you want people to come "just for you" then make it as easy and cheap for them as you possibly can.