Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

She sounds like an immature, insufferable twat. I'd cut her off completely after this. There is something about weddings that really shows people for who they are.

Seriously, the group was 35-40? She sounds like a teenage princess type - even then her behaviour and expectations would be ridiculous.

No I would not go to the wedding. People need to stop making excuses for others just because they are brides. She's cost you a bloody fortune and been as rude as shit to you. Why on earth did you all put up with her behaviour after the first day. Cancel the flights and do something more fun with your money.

On another note - why does anyone apart from maybe the really wealthy spend so much money on these events? The world's gone mad.

Is the close friend who dropped out of the hen do going to the wedding?

Are you sure you have actually been invited to the wedding?

Having read all the updates - I would not go to the wedding. I would leave the group chat, not block anyone, but basically put it out of my mind.

Honestly.

I remember my hen weekend where my friends took me away, however the weekend away cost no more than £300 a head tops including accommodation for all, I was beyond grateful. There were people who couldn’t partake in certain things over the weekend and I didn’t mind, I just appreciated that people had given up their time and money to celebrate with me.

If she’s stubborn like you say she is, use it to your advantage and take her silence as a signal she doesn’t want you at her wedding (shes playing power games and wants you to come crawling back to her). And do not go, the wedding will be just as bad as the hen, added to the fact you’ll be there solo and some of the other hens will have partners, also they’ll have formed alliances with each other/bridezilla against those who “wronged” bridezilla on her hen weekend, just so that they stay on the right side of her… so you’ll be made to feel uncomfortable.

Save your money and go away with friends who actually appreciate and respect you x

I don't know, @Canterranter . The last hen do I went to was an evening at an Italian restaurant, then cocktails. No hysteria, just good food and company. I spent £70. Then again we're all teachers and no-one has that kind of disposable income to spend £ thousands on a hen do.

I felt exhausted just reading your post. You're all how old?

Whole thing is insane. Totally over the top costs and self centered awful behaviour.

I couldn't spend an afternoon with people like this let alone spend 4k on two trips abroad.

This will definitely end up in the papers but if you are not allowed in UK maybe you won't be recognised?

Too much pressure, and too much money is always a recipie for disaster.

Go and do what ever it is you enjoy and see how you feel about it for a couple of days.

I really wouldn’t waste any more time, money or headspace on this person.
i would decline the wedding and glad to be done with the drama.

There is no way I’d spend that much on someone else’s wedding

I had one for the last wedding I was invited to - that was some years ago. I don't know how common they are as I don't get invited to many weddings.

The bride is from the US. They do invites much, much later.

£2500 would make me cry!

I’ve received a save the date to every UK wedding I’ve ever been to (a lot - at least 15 over the past decade). They are useful to earmark the day in your calendar before all the timings, suggested hotels, taxis, gift list etc are confirmed for the actual invite.

Right. So her invitation should be arriving soon?

The bride is in the US, where a trip to Mexico is not that expensive or unusual but she's invited summoned a bunch of people from Europe to attend, apparently without any consideration or gratitude for the considerable inconvenience and expense that would be for them. It's totally self-centred.
The point of a hen-do is supposed to be to celebrate with your friends, but for some people it's somehow been twisted into a multi-day ceremonial where the acolytes are expected to pay homage to the literal "chosen" one at all times, with the implied threat of censure and ostracism for those whose performance is deemed inadequate. It's grotesque.
I'd be going to the wedding, but timing flights so I arrive the day before and tack on a few days ALONE straight after, no hanging around . So the wedding is sort of a diversion at the start of a short holiday.

This has ended me

It wasn’t the ‘Hen do from Hell’ it’s the ‘Bride ‘to be’ from Hell!’ The Groom needs to wise up and do a runner! I suggest you also do a runner and don’t waste another penny on this self absorbed idiot.

I think she sounds desperately unhappy. Snippy, intolerant of any perceived criticism or slight. Micromanaging. Feeling rejected etc.

I doubt you'd have been friends this long if she's just a bitch.

Can you reach out and ask if she's really OK? She sounds desperate to be seen.

I'm not suggesting you necessarily go to the wedding (don't think I would given cost and family trip soon after).

I think there's probably something very wrong in her life underlying her behaviour.
That doesn't mean the weekend wasn't a shitshow. I'd be feeling very pissed off about it in your position.

To be honest, she sounds like an awful person and I wouldn’t be able to see her in the same way again. This would be me done with her.

I have a bit of sympathy for the bride with this one. Everyone dropping out last minute and nothing to show it’s her hen (like a sash or decorations) isn’t good. Drop outs can be stressful because they change the group dynamic. Meeting in other rooms before meeting the rest of the group could have gone the way you said (open to everyone and just a way of getting ready) or could have been very cliquey, I would have been careful with that especially arriving late to a main group activity as a small group, it doesn’t look great.
I also wonder if the hen feels a bit put out if she’s attended all her friends events and now they aren’t reciprocating the effort. If the norm amongst your friends is big hen dos abroad then it’s understandable she expected the same.

I don’t think you were wrong for leaving OP but it sounds like there were issues from all sides not just the bride.

This thread has gone on my ‘watch’ list. Keep us posted OP!

No way I would shell out even more money for her wedding after being treated like that. Tell her what you think & save yourself more expense and misery.

The only thing you - or others - did wrong at the hen do was not gently pointing out to the B2B that having paid so much of your own money it was a holiday as well as a hen do.

At this point going to the wedding is a waste of your money.

Sounds awful. My sister was such a bitch on her hen do. I made the heinous mistake of opening the fridge and saying ‘there’s no veggie meals in here’ (bear in mind, she’s the veggie, I’m not and was not in charge of bringing them. I’d brought my contribution and someone else had forgotten to bring the veggie stuff)

For the heinous crime of passing on this information, I got screamed at for 10 minutes in front of about 12 people. I honestly didn’t know what I’d done wrong, all I was doing was stating a fact 🤷‍♀️ Bridezilla or what?

You could have cut the atmosphere in the room with a knife. It was awful.