Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

Don't spend any more money on this person. You're already down £2.5k (I wouldn't spend that much on a holiday, let alone a ridiculous hen do!).
Just sent the bridexan email outlining some of the issues, particularly her behaviour and attitude towards you ( don't mention how the others felt, or you'll be blamed for everything by everyone), and tell her that consequently,myou won't be attending the wedding and will no lomger be in touch. Just say thatvthe hen do made you realise you no longer had enough in common to continue friendship.
Life is too short for bad hen-do's

I've re-read your post and I have no idea what you are supposed to apologise for. The bride's attitude being poor from the start would have set people on edge. Like you say there is probably something going on deep down with her but to expect people to drop all that money on her and then behave like an arsehole is batshit. Sounds like she wanted the kind of hen you'd have with childfree friends in your 20s and early 30s: I should imagine most of the group were regretting going. I don't think I'd go to the wedding either.

So, how much was that in addition to your costs, OP? Is £2.5k inclusive of that?

I would be pulling out right now. Be clear that you have spent the wedding budget on covering the costs of the hen (and no shows) If the bride would like you there she can reimburse you. I am pretty sure she won’t. Cue: more sulking.

I would not dream of spending this kind of money on someone else’s wedding! And I could afford to, but would never want to. I would be glad to never be friends with this person again after that weekend.
You can leave the door open to see what she is like afterwards if you want to. I would not have the tolerance for this nonsense op.

@ohwhatisinaname You sound like a very lovely friend who goes above and beyond to make things work and to maintain friendships that other people would probably let fade out for practical reasons.

The bride sounds like a high maintenance nightmare, and your friend who bailed at the last minute and appears to be happy to let you cover her costs doesn't sound great either. If I've understood correctly, you paid over a grand to cover that friend's costs, when split between the group it would have been about £150 each. Even if she's completely broke (in which case she shouldn't have been going in the first place) and you're very rich, she should offer to pay half, or pay you back in installments.

If the bride lives in NYC and the hen was in Mexico, I'm assuming that it wasn't as far away or expensive to attend for all the other hens, so it was a particularly big undertaking for you. With the benefit of hindsight, you should have just not gone, and said your annual leave allowance and finances just don't allow you to attend both the hen do and the wedding, and you would rather attend the wedding. But that ship has sailed.

I think you need to do some soul searching and ask yourself whether you really want to keep putting in the work to maintain this friendship. If the only way you think you can maintain it is to go to the wedding, which will cost you another two grand, is she worth that much to you?

Perhaps, after 15 years of friendship, you don't want to just let it end with the two of you having a row and freezing each other out.

Could you arrange to have a phone call with her to talk?

If you do want to try and preserve the friendship then I would probably start by asking her if she is OK, say that on the hen do she seemed incredibly on edge, and ask whether it was the stress of the hen do after her MOH dropped out, or the pressure of planning a big fancy wedding that is getting to her, or whether there's something deeper going on (like perhaps she doesn't want to get married but doesn't know how to call off the wedding at this late stage). Because if you feel sick about spending thousands on her wedding when you're not sure you even want to be her friend anymore, imagine how she might feel about the tens (hundreds??) of thousands she's spending on her wedding if she's not even sure she wants to get married anymore.

I would hear her out, let her vent about her hen do, her wedding, or anything else that's getting to her.

This is also her opportunity to say, "I'm sorry about the way I treated you, I was having a bad time but I know you made a huge effort and spent a lot of money to come, and I feel terrible about the fact that you felt the need to leave early."

If she doesn't spontaneously say that, or, worse, if she starts laying into you again, say something like this. "Look, I understand that you're under a lot of pressure right now, but I'm really upset about the fact that I spent over £2500 to fly to Mexico for your hen do, two months before I'm due to spend another £2000 flying to the US for your wedding, and you were really not very nice to me. I cannot help the fact that I get seasick and couldn't go on the boat. And we both agreed that someone needed to stay with the other girls and make sure everyone got back to the hotel safely. I am really upset about the fact that I spent so much money and effort to come, spent the weekend trying in vain to please everyone else, and got nothing but grief for it. To be honest with you I had a horrible time, felt really used, and am now having serious doubts about coming to the wedding. I really don't want to take more holiday and spend another £2000 to have another weekend getting the same kind of treatment in a different country. I love you and would be sorry to lose you as a friend, but I've already gone above and beyond for you and for this wedding, and this feels like a step too far."

Then see what she says.

If she values your friendship she will apologise profusely at this point.

If she doesn't, you know where you stand and can cancel the flight without the smallest amount of guilt.

How are you going to afford a wedding in NYC on top of this?

That's so nuts it should be a movie. She'll be divorced within a year.

If this is real it sounds like a damp squib of a hen. No wonder the others wanted to hang out with the stags.

Who needs friends like this?

I’d write her a letter if she’s an old
friend and tell her how she made you all feel. You understand she was sad but she can’t behave like that. Do you value this friendship or are you happy to put it in the ‘not for me’ pile?

She needs to learn to behave herself. Sounds like she was sad and it came out in a series of tantrums. Her poor husband to be. Has he got time to get out of it too? She sounds very immature. Hope she gets some focus in life soon and enjoys life for what it is rather than ridiculous expectations.

Poor fiancé! That's going to be a fun marriage.

We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart

My mind is boggled that you have spent this much for someone you’re not even close to. I doubt I would have spent all that for my best friend, tbh.

It would be ok if you were rich and had cash to splash, but you say you get cash strapped! For goodness sake, please think thrice before agreeing to these things!

Four and a half grand on someone else’s wedding fml
sod that for a game of soldiers
bail , that bridezilla can swivel

there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH

There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.

Did the bride ask someone else to take over from MOH? Or did she think people would automatically take over and plan all those things?

You were unreasonable the instant you paid £2.5k for a hen do. I mean what! The! Actual! Fuck!

When did hen do’s go from being a night out to this sheer level of insanity?

If my partner paid out that kind of money for a stag I would be livid, and that’s before the 2 grand on the wedding.

As things stand you’re unlikely to be invited to the wedding anyway, but tbh I wouldn’t bother with this woman anyway.

People talk about bridezillas and going back to normal afterwards. IMO there’s no such thing as a bridezilla. These women are unpleasant already and the wedding is the perfect opportunity to be their real selves. Because they know they won’t be challenged because “they’re just being a bridezilla”.

I would drop her like a stone and never look back.

These always sound like hell to me. I can't believe people still do them . It's such an outdated tradition.
And puts so much pressure on people.
I can't believe you are all 35 plus. It read like things 22 year olds would do.
The ones getting high? Why at that age would you be so sad .
And no matter what stress she is under you can't speak to people like crap and expect them to stick around. Bride or not.
Don't waste more money on her

This sounds utterly hideous and perhaps a sign from the cosmos that you no longer share interests, aspirations, likes and dislikes with the bride so maybe you even some of the others should all move on, in different directions but separately, in life?

It sounds like she had a very disappointing hen with no one really making any effort to make it about her. She obviously responded completely awfully to that, but you can see where it started from. She's lashing out from disappointment and you sound like an easy target because you go unreasonably far for people (gifting a drop out friend £1250?! Wtaf?!)

I don't think you can really salvage this now, she's gone too far and she's not enough a part of your life to warrant the effort and expense frankly, unless you particularly feel like it).

I'll never understand why people have these expensive stags and hens when 50% of marriages end in divorce. Ridiculous.

Are you the bride? 🤔

She sounds like a nightmare. I’m afraid I’d be calling time on this friendship.

Yep. But then these types of Bridezillas are not really interested in the marriage. They just want the hens do and the wedding day. It's about that. Then after that, marriage is a let down. They just want the parties. I doubt they give an actual thought for what the parties are for.