Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

418 replies

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

OP posts:
Pimlicopolly · 13/04/2025 00:49

It’s up to you Do you want the friendship to continue as you’ve said your not that close anymore . You sounds as if you have been more then fair and have empathised with areas where the bride to be was let down but this doesn’t excuse her behaviour to those that took the time to come . I would think about whether you really want to go to the wedding and if losing the friendship would be that big a deal if you do t go . If you do want to go message her again to check you are still invited but go with your gut and if you think it’s going to be a shitstorm then see if you can change you flights to somewhere else and use them for a holiday at another time

AlexStocks · 13/04/2025 01:07

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

What a nightmare! I wouldn't fall on my sword over this. The bride sounds a bit much. Attend the wedding, bring a good gift and then if she is still determined to be mad, the friendship can die. I don't think you'll miss much by letting this one go.

DreamTheMoors · 13/04/2025 02:41

HeySugarSugar · 10/04/2025 06:27

That was surely back in the day when people went to their local church followed by local pub? Not nowadays!

Show quote history

If you think 6 months is normal for sending out wedding invitations, I think you may have overestimated how excited people will be to attend your wedding.

Screenshot taken from The Knot:

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?
mjf981 · 13/04/2025 02:43

This is just...all too hard. The drama!

I'd be cancelling my flights to the wedding. I'd be blunt and tell her you just can't make it as you have another trip planned to the other side of the world a few days later. If she kicks off, ignore. If the friendship dies out, oh well. You live on opposite continents anyway. Its not like you have to see her regularly.

Why can't hen do's just go back to a messy night out in the nearest town. Some funny t shirts, a few drinks, then home. There's no way on earth I'd be spending be spending thousands on travelling for someone elses hen do.

Delphinium20 · 13/04/2025 04:09

While not the main issue here, I'm rather surprised a woman pregnant with twins would fly to Mexico for a hen party. I wouldn't have gone pregnant with one!

TheaBrandt1 · 13/04/2025 05:39

God I had a night out in the city I was living in. Silly fun with quizzes then drinks dinner and dancing all booked and organised by my sister. A good time was had by all. The early 2000s were simpler times.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/04/2025 06:31

You lost me with "was into all the drugs and the rave scene" and the married mothers meeting up with the married stags and the bride to be being upset because the married men weren't into her. Even without the Bridezilla attitude the whole thing sounds like hell - I'd have had a better time sticking pins into my eyes.

The entire group sounds charmless. I'd cancel the wedding and the "friendships".

Lovedthe80s · 13/04/2025 06:35

Yes, simpler times, so much less stress! Bunch of friends, canal side pub, lots of drinks and laughs. Very happy memories 25 years on.

rose69 · 13/04/2025 07:18

May be the only one saying go to the wedding as have a gruesome fascination to know what happens.
I think you have acted with dignity.

BigHeadBertha · 13/04/2025 07:37

I wouldn't have gone to the hen do considering the over-the-top time and cost involved in the first place, when you have a husband and kids that the time and money could be spent with/on. Especially since the bride apparently doesn't even consider you close enough to be a bridesmaid.

But, even after the big sacrifice you made, including covering someone else's expenses, you weren't appreciated. Instead, you were mistreated to the extent that you actually left early.

The bride did not follow up with you at all after that. Instead, weirdly, the talk seems to be about you apologizing to her?! WTF?

So... why would you even consider going back for more? I see no reason to expect anything but a repeat of what you've just been through. You left early due to the mistreatment you received after everything you spent and did. And she didn't say one single word. In other words, she gave you a great big middle finger as you left.

Now, you have a second chance to take the time and money you would have spent going to this wedding and do something with/for your husband and/or kids instead. That's what I'd do. Spend your time and money on your family, not a bridezilla who isn't even in your world very much. That's my opinion. Good luck.

Girliegurl · 13/04/2025 10:27

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:37

I've had the save the date months ago, but the wedding is in June so i don't think the invites will go out for a few more weeks.

Show quote history

You generally send the actual invites out 6 months before the wedding, even earlier if its abroad. If you haven't received an invite 2 months before, I would probably guess you're not going to get one. There comes a time in your life where some people you outgrow, I don't think anything you've done is unreasonable, maybe this friendship has just run it's course 💜

Notonthestairs · 13/04/2025 10:45

The Op updated a couple of days ago that she’d received a formal invitation to the wedding.

BacktoBeginnersFran · 13/04/2025 11:06

Girliegurl · 13/04/2025 10:27

You generally send the actual invites out 6 months before the wedding, even earlier if its abroad. If you haven't received an invite 2 months before, I would probably guess you're not going to get one. There comes a time in your life where some people you outgrow, I don't think anything you've done is unreasonable, maybe this friendship has just run it's course 💜

Show quote history

In your world! OP had already said the bride is in the US and standard is 6 weeks before the wrong, plus OP has already updated to say she received the invitation.

Where I live 6-8 weeks is also normal time frame to send out wedding invitations.

iwannaknow · 13/04/2025 11:54

Mysteron1 · 10/04/2025 10:48

I feel others have covered this all at length already but I agree:

  • it’s a huge amount of money, and that’s before the OP decided to cover for someone else from her own pocket, which is extremely generous
  • It’s a really long distance to go for what sounds essentially like a long weekend
  • Environmnetally flying to Mexico to the UK and back for 3 days is absolute insanity - but that’s a whole other thread!

I also agree the bride’s behaviour doesn’t sound at all pleasant or reasonable. However - if she wasn’t on the hen do whatsapp group I can understand her being hurt about being left out of the loop. Additionally, I agree with others who’ve said that expectations around this sort of thing are increasingly totally out of control. I can also see that someone could’ve organised something hen-do-y while you were there.

I wonder - not that this excuses any of the bride’s behaviour - but I note OP says the majority of attendees were 35-40 and exhausted mums. I’m wondering whether the bride feels, as perhaps one of the last to get married and go through all these milestones - that when it was everyone else’s turn in their 20s/pre-children - that she went above and beyond for everyone else - but now it’s her turn, and everyone else has “moved on”, she doesn’t get the same treatment.

I’m not saying it’s reasonable, or that it justifies her worst excesses, but I know people in my life who have felt this way (which isn’t to say they then acted out!!). But they have been able to verbalise that they have put in a huge amount of time/money/effort for other people which never gets reciprocated - and that stings.

Lastly, as others have said, I think you are expected at the wedding, but whether or not you go is up to you. I would say if you choose not go, however you dress it up to the bride, that will be the end of your friendship.

As the very last point - another thing that might be the death knell of your friendship is that this post is pretty detailed and outing - beware this may well get picked up and spread much further than you intended.

Haven't RTFT yet but there's likely something in this.

When my friends and I were in our 20s/early 30s there was the usual few years of wedding season. Extravagant hen weekends abroad, tons of time and money spent. We all had the disposable cash, we were energetic, none of us had children and our annual leave was ours to do with as we wished.

Fast forward 15 years and we're now in our early 40s. The last of our group is getting married next year. They've been in a LTR since those younger times, had children and are getting married now rather than having done it 15 years ago pre-children like the rest of us did.

They're getting married abroad. We're all invited, children included. Having looked into it, a three day trip for only me arriving the day before the wedding and leaving the day after will be approaching £2000. For the 4 of us to go it'd be astronomical, plus the children would have to miss a few days of school as they've chosen to book it at the end of a term and take their children out for a week.

They want a hen weekend possibly aboard but if not a long weekend away in the UK. Costs are being discussed but it's looking in the region of a Friday - Monday event which means two days off work and arranging childcare and likely anywhere between (including spending money, the games, then event stuff on top of travel and accommodation) £500-£1500.

In years gone by, as a group of young, child-free reasonably high earners without mortgages to pay, it would have been doable. Now, it just isn't.

Annual leave is for covering school holidays and family time where the DHs and mothers can actually manage to take time off together. Thousands of pounds on going away for just one member of the family just isn't reasonable even if it is affordable. We're overpaying our mortgage at the maximum % each year and £3000-£4000 is a significant chunk.

Only one friend of the six has booked to go to the wedding. We're all in discussions for the hen but it's doubtful we'll go unless the plans become more reasonable.

The rest of us feel awful, genuinely. Bride is one of our oldest and closest friends. But time and spending priorities have changed.

shuggles · 13/04/2025 12:12

ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 21:01

Oh, I think lots of people think like that. I don't think it's that strange, either. Human beings are very selfish as a species.

Show quote history

I don't agree that it's not strange. I think it's very strange.

If I was in a relationship, then I've made a decision to be monogamous with that one person. So why would I be interested in other women then, and how would it make me feel better if other women were interested in me in that scenario?

Mysteron1 · 13/04/2025 12:23

iwannaknow · 13/04/2025 11:54

Haven't RTFT yet but there's likely something in this.

When my friends and I were in our 20s/early 30s there was the usual few years of wedding season. Extravagant hen weekends abroad, tons of time and money spent. We all had the disposable cash, we were energetic, none of us had children and our annual leave was ours to do with as we wished.

Fast forward 15 years and we're now in our early 40s. The last of our group is getting married next year. They've been in a LTR since those younger times, had children and are getting married now rather than having done it 15 years ago pre-children like the rest of us did.

They're getting married abroad. We're all invited, children included. Having looked into it, a three day trip for only me arriving the day before the wedding and leaving the day after will be approaching £2000. For the 4 of us to go it'd be astronomical, plus the children would have to miss a few days of school as they've chosen to book it at the end of a term and take their children out for a week.

They want a hen weekend possibly aboard but if not a long weekend away in the UK. Costs are being discussed but it's looking in the region of a Friday - Monday event which means two days off work and arranging childcare and likely anywhere between (including spending money, the games, then event stuff on top of travel and accommodation) £500-£1500.

In years gone by, as a group of young, child-free reasonably high earners without mortgages to pay, it would have been doable. Now, it just isn't.

Annual leave is for covering school holidays and family time where the DHs and mothers can actually manage to take time off together. Thousands of pounds on going away for just one member of the family just isn't reasonable even if it is affordable. We're overpaying our mortgage at the maximum % each year and £3000-£4000 is a significant chunk.

Only one friend of the six has booked to go to the wedding. We're all in discussions for the hen but it's doubtful we'll go unless the plans become more reasonable.

The rest of us feel awful, genuinely. Bride is one of our oldest and closest friends. But time and spending priorities have changed.

Show quote history

You’ve illustrated my point perfectly! Such a shame about your friend. I hope you are able to make some/all the events, even if it’s just you!

loropianalover · 13/04/2025 12:44

I don’t think you need to go OP - if someone left my hen a day early and we hadn’t spoken since, I would really not expect them to be attending the wedding.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/04/2025 12:47

I just sometimes you have to evaluate your friends and accept that you aren't always friends for life. Do you hold out any hope that you'll one day soon spend some positive time with these people?

diddl · 13/04/2025 13:19

I get that things didn't work out as she had envisaged, but sometimes as an adult you have to speak up about what you want & not hope that others will guess.

She treated you shabbily & unless I've missed it hasn't apologised.

I'd not be going to the wedding & if that meant the end of the friendship from her side then so be it.

AllrightNowBaby · 13/04/2025 13:20

Can you ask yourself a serious question?
What is the real reason you are considering going to the wedding, after the weird hen do and nasty behaviour of the bride?
You mentioned you only knew 2 or 3 of the hen party anyway and now they are ganging up on you on WhatsApp.
To be even considering going to this wedding, there must be an underlying reason, when you must realistically know the friendship with the bride will never be the same again.
Why you don’t seem able to see it’s over, only you know.

Navyontop · 13/04/2025 14:07

Life’s too short for this immature, spoiled nonsense behaviour.
However reading your original post my first thoughts are: Something is wrong with the bride, could she be making a mistake with this wedding and trying to suppress that? Has she had a miscarriage and her sisters deeply sad recent experience causing uncomfortable memories?

I would reach out and ask her if everything is ok? Because normal grown up people don’t behave this way… She may tell you to get f^*ked, but I bet it will make her think.

And I definitely wouldn’t go to her wedding, what if she’s horrible to you.

namechangeGOT · 13/04/2025 15:33

HardyKoala · 12/04/2025 17:32

Because your friends are arseholes too? I’d get better friends. I’ve been on about 12 hen dos and they’ve all been friendly and fun. Not one tiny piece of drama

Show quote history

No, no none of us are arseholes! I have two close friends that I would even consider going away with but thankfully they arnt up their own arses enough to want or need 100% attention for a ‘hen do’ just because they decided to get married! Organised fun is wank at the best of times, it’s even worse when the people on it and at the centre of it are attention seekers!

burnoutbabe · 13/04/2025 19:46

Assuming formal invite arrived via post from overseas I’d probably just not rsvp.

if neither mention it ahead of the wedding you can claim it was never received and she never chased it up either.

if she actually chased up to ask if you are coming you can see how that message from her makes you feel? Is the tone that she wants you there? If so then go if you want. At least you’d know she wanted you to attend. Or you can say sorry can’t make it as you assumed not invited so too expensive now at short notice.

least it keeps the friendship sort of going if that’s what you want.

Fuzzymuddle33 · 13/04/2025 21:57

It’s crazy that everyone spent so much money and presumably those that couldn’t go lost money?

I would consider the friendship over unless you receive an apology and/or explanation for such dire behaviour.

Personally, I find it hard to walk away so I would send one last message saying tbat you’re sorry that she didn’t go back to you and just asking if she is ok as she didn’t seem herself etc. However, that’s just me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread