Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

What you do next boils down to how much you value the ongoing friendship. Be honest with yourself about your emotional needs in this regard. How would you feel if the friendship lapsed ?

I think you already know the answer to that but take a little time to think it through properly before you act.

I sense a residual fondness and concern as your friend seems out of sorts based on when you knew her well. If you want to maintain the relationship then pick up the phone. Talk to her and say that you're worried, can you help, and mean it. You might be just the friend she needs right now. A true friend would proactively offer support to someone in need , even if they are acting out (people do act up when they are hurting and we often forgive them because we love them).

On the other hand if you can't see a future in it and have lost affection then cut your losses. Send a short message and cut ties. Be swift and don't ghost. Others will step in to support her .

I stopped a long standing friendship a few years back. It was painful as we'd been really close and had gone through some really brilliant and bad times together, always supporting each other as equals. But then time after time she was bitchy, difficult and I got nothing out of the relationship- for years. The final straw came when she was rude and mocking about a wonderful thing that happened to me, and instead of being happy for me was scathing and rude. It was time to let it go. It was a relief. Sad but a relief.

If the wedding is in June I would expect an invite by now, especially if flights are needed.

weekend sounds awful but

1. why did you cover your close friends costs, surely she should have still paid
2. why didn’t the bride get added to the group chance once there? I can see why she would be annoyed if people were meeting up and she didn’t know about it

Actually OP I think you did a really good job here of recognising when enough was enough and drawing your own boundaries.

All credit to you for cutting your losses and heading home. That’s not an easy decision to make.

Remember, this isn’t all on you. You headed home after she didn’t respond to your message. She could easily have replied and “look, there’s no need to go - let’s just enjoy the rest of the time” - but she chose not to.

I understand she was disappointed and as @latetothefisting says, to a degree, I can understand why. But that doesn’t warrant such histrionics, or the sulkiness.

Can you wait until the weekend to see what your insider reports from this other wedding? See whether anything is said?

But regardless, I suspect if you go to her wedding you’ll have snarky digs from her/the bridesmaids/other friends - it would take a lot to persuade me to go, tbh. I would cancel the flights and just wait to see if she contacts you. If you hear nothing at all then I’d say you have your answer. If she contacts you and is shitty, I’d also say you have your answer.

And you don’t even have an ‘official’ invitation?
You’re crazy forking out ££££ for a so-called friend who hasn’t even invited you ffs.
It’s a very weird ‘friendship’ imo, more of a casual acquaintance who you see if you happen to be in town.

There was a thread here of an op who had just dropped off from her sister’s wedding because she was going mental. Anyone remember? Is it the same person?

Very recently, I mean

Yanbu this sounds awful and good for you for escaping. I would not want to go to the wedding after that behaviour!

If you live in different countries and have kids,you are never going to be besties again- just let this one go naturally (which would probably happen when you don't go to the wedding lol).

Write it up as a miniseries and sell for $$$ to recoup your losses

The whole 3 day hen do in Mexico sounds way too much, why can’t people just have a night out? But each to their own and you all agreed to go.

She sounds like a fun sucker but I do have a little bit of sympathy for her. Her sister didn’t go and honestly, it does sound like she was excluded from a lot of the plans. Couldn’t one of you have done a nice/fun hen type game for her. You were there for 3 days you had the time to come up with something. I actually don’t understand why you were all meeting in everybody’s room but hers. Or inviting her along to the pre meal drinks. It does sound a bit sad and possibly a bit ‘mean girl’.

You are presenting it that all her moans and gripes were bridezilla but maybe you all were being horrible and she was standing up for herself? I don’t know, I wasn’t there but I bet she would have a differing version of events.

So glad I live in a place where such madness is not a thing. I have a wedding soon that is overseas and it itself will be beautiful, pre-events, day itself, morning event. But the hen's - afternoon in a lovely wine bar where as guests we just have to wear anything but white - that's for the bride. And the bride is a definite glamour - just not a wannabe Instagram try-hard.

To me, it sounds like this friendship has run it’s course.

Sorry if I’ve not read this correctly- you flew from the UK to Mexico for 3 nights?

I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done

Why would you even want to be friends with such a vile, nasty, manipulative controlling person? She's horrible!

And 2.5k (yes, I know, extra for your friend who dropped out, but even 500 pounds is far too much for a hen do) just for a fucking hen do?!?? WHAT THE FUCK?!???

When will women go back to a night at the pub/nightclub crawl as a hen do, instead of this selfish, extravagant bullshit? Women should stop this by refusing to go on these hen dos. Eventually this trend would die out. You're an absolute fool for even going.

And I would not spend any money going to her wedding, if it means money for flights, fuck it. I would not want to reward her behaviour by going to the wedding.

Anyway, you said the wedding is in June. Actual wedding invites are normally sent out at least 6 months in advance, so she has left it far too late. No bride sends out invites this late. It's not done. So you can safely assume all the others received their invites months back and she hasn't invited you. But even if she did, like fuck would I reward this bitch by going to her wedding. She is worthless trash. Block her on everything and don't speak to her ever again. If you have self respect that is.

I know. It's just madness, isn't it?

Ask your no show friend for the money you covered, then tell the batshit bride that you won't be at the wedding and wish her all the best. What the actual fuck have i just read? I have never in my 43 years witnessed an adult or child behaving as you've described. She sounds completely mad.

Normally sent out 6 weeks before.

This. Who on earth has this amount of money to burn on basically a party? This is without the expense of the wedding itself.

No way. 6 months is usual. No one sends them out at only 6 weeks before, that is rushed and isn't the done thing.

Not much I can say that hasn’t been said already. Bride sounds horrible, and frankly I’d have left early too.

The piece I’m most surprised at, is a wedding which requires a long flight, and invites haven’t yet been sent. There’s no way I’d book flights off the back of a save the date, and it seems strange to me that the bride has left it so long to send out the formal invites. How is anyone supposed to plan?

So it was crap for three people to drop out and not pay their share. No one organising bride stuff was also crap. This should have been bridesmaids jobs. If people were taking off and leaving the group to hang out with other people this was a bit rubbish. I can see why bride to be got upset but she ruined her own weekend with her attitude. I don’t think you did anything wrong (other than paying for things you shouldn’t have to)
if it’s a strong friendship I would reach out and try to talk to her (phone call not message) and clear the air. If she continues to ignore you I would message and ask if she’s ignoring you are you still invited to the wedding? If she continues to ignore you I would cancel your flights.

Save the date is earlier, but tradition is 6 weeks for a wedding invitation.

That was surely back in the day when people went to their local church followed by local pub? Not nowadays!

SHOCKED she has not sent invites yet for June. Many people maybe won’t attend - this is seriously late. Save the Dates a year before or as much notice as poss; invites 4-5 months before! It sounds like it’s abroad aswell or at least a flight away? I predict disaster is coming…it may make the hen do seem not that bad!!!

I get 6 weeks being normal in the days when the guests were all local. It's not enough time when it involves booking flights and hotels. I'd definitely want an actual invitation before I spend that sort of money.

OP honestly what do you get out of this friendship?