Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

But it sounds like you DID all treat this like a holiday rather than an occasion to celebrate the bride. There was nothing at all arranged. You didn’t even attend one of the days and instead relaxed at a spa (take a travel sickness tablet.) I feel incredibly sorry for her.

Plus you’ve mentioned her weight three times and also decided another bridal party member is ‘not well liked.’ You don’t sound so kind yourself.

i think maybe if this was her hendo she needs to realise that maybe she isnt meant to get married probably problems with groom and she hasnt had time to process anything as she has heart set on this so much but has pre marital problems nobody is at fault other than the bride the ones who showed up she should of just had fun. but i wouldnt want to be friends with someone who is to needy.

I agree, it seems very 'Mean Girls' and hard work really.
Personally I couldn't be arsed. I would rather spend the time and money with my family.

This is great advice actually, making a holiday out of it.
Personally though OP if any of my friends behaved this way they would be an ex-friend. Life is too short for people who treat you like shit. I would leave the group chat and cancel any plans I'd made.

It’s not complicated, she’s a spoiled brat and I’d ditch that friendship.

I’d wait to see what your friend reports back from the other hen then is it’s not favourable, send a decline . Tell her that the unexpected additional cost of her hen , together with your holiday plans immediately afterwards means that attending the wedding is no longer possible.
Wish her a lovely day and leave it at that.

Just to add, I only ever go away with very close friends. I have been invited to some 'away' hens/special birthdays by people I hardly know so realised early on doors I would be making up numbers and so declined early on. There is absolutely no way I, or anyone I know would put up with this shite and paying ££££s of our own money to be there. To be honest, no one I know would have agreed to spend this amount on a Hen anyway, even if it was our best mate. Some of us could afford it but we would be incredulous at the presumption they are worth it! Not that anyone I know would try it.

Yes it's the sheer entitlement of it and also expecting everyone to do a far-flung destination for the wedding as well. I'd never expect people to fork out like that for me. People are so fecking weird!

Sounds like a serious case of bridezilla. Which is why I avoid hen do’s and weddings like the plague, thankfully; I haven’t been invited to many and the ones I have been too have been fairly low key and the bride was more laid back than me.

I think you flew all that way and spent all that money and it was so uncomfortable that you had to change flights and leave a day early with the bride not speaking to you.

It doesn't sound like a good idea at all to return to be back in an enclosed event with the same people. How would it end differently?

The only thing that would give me pause was that the bridesmaids didn't make much of an effort to make it a "hen" that the bride was expecting, so there might be some reason for her disappointment. And the Stirrer lied to her about what you'd said, which must have been hurtful... So maybe it is a good idea to contact the bride as pp have said, if only to put her right about Stirrer's comments, but only you know how much those two things changed the outcome and how much weight to give them in your decision.

what was she like before the wedding and hence do organisation? A few years ago?

I agree.
These weird arrangements where invited guests have to foot the bill are alien both to me and to anyone I know. I would never go on one.
Either the host pays for flights and hotels for everyone (but not all food and drink), or the event is held at home.
It’s basic manners: ‘He/she who calls for the pleasure, pays for the pleasure.’

I live in the US. 6 weeks for a formal invite is normal (what Emily Post would say). That's why save the dates are sent. As long as no-one has had a formal invitation then I wouldn't be worried OP hasn't had one.

I think this trend of doing bachelorette parties/hen dos as long trips is insane, and I would never expect someone to fly in from Europe for one. Have been in American wedding party, MOH still expected to organise activities and such.

That said I think the bride has her head up her arse and I wouldn't be keen to go. if she has having a NYC style wedding it might be outrageous. (Good food, though.)

PS - be glad you also haven't been dragged to a shower! Second round of presents! Some brides get ridiculous about that too.

RSVP to decline. Talk to bride after the wedding.

I think the fact the OP has since discovered that someone was stirring the pot actually strengthens the argument that the bride was surrounded by people who may not have had her best interests at heart, and rather than pulling her to one side and having a sensible chat about her behaviour/expectations to calm things down, were actually further inflaming things. As others have pointed out, it reflects badly not just on the bride but on some, or perhaps all the attendees. It does seem like people were not acting very maturely/their age, but then I can understand people are there to let their hair down, and also the stress of having to walk on eggshells around someone can produce weird behaviour.

In short, I agree with the OP/her husband’s plan - ignore all the noise, the “he said she said”, the whatsapp memes - just pick up the phone and talk to the bride. It’s the only way forward, and I suspect it’ll be the only way you’ll be truly at peace with any decision you come to. Also, be prepared - no matter what your reasons are for not attending, or how reasonable they may be - I suspect it will be the end of your friendship if you are a no show.

And let this be the most important lesson - don’t fly to Mexico for 3 days - the planet is burning.

I think it's up to you, but the friendship will be over if you don't go to the wedding, in my opinion. But maybe you don't want to continue the friendship after that awful hen do and bad behaviour of the bride! It does sound like she was super insecure as well....not that you should have to deal with the fall out from that though.

Hey OP. You’ve had an awful experience at the hands of this so-called friend. Take back some control. Message to say how you feel about it all and that you won’t be coming to the wedding. Her response to this will tell you all you need to know.
you don’t need friends like this in your life, she sounds like a nightmare. ‘Me, me, me’ people are horrendous in general. Do you really want to continue the friendship anyway??

She does sound awful but I can certainly see how disappointing the hen do would have been for her with 3 out of 12 dropping out at the last minute for starters then with it seeming more like a holiday for people and her not being centre stage like she had envisaged. It sounds like she got herself into such an escalating rage that everything was taken as a slight and presumably there was bad blood with her sister in the back of her mind too. Honestly, you spending a whole day at the spa apart from the group and leaving a day early was never going to help matters. Shame one of the bridesmaids didn't step up and say "Right, we are down 3 but let's not let that spoil things, let's have a great trip!"

Just to say, my DD's Hen Do 6 years ago (she was nearly 35) with a bunch of fantastic ladies was the best Hen Do ever - and all of us agreed. It was two nights in a Manchester hotel (half the girls had never been to Manchester), several high-flying Accountants amongst them (two of whom are millionaires) but a couple definitely not in that category (including the groom's sister who is an NHS nurse, and the best man's wife), and we all got along great, no hissy-fits or similar. I think it cost me about £600 and that included buying drinks here and there. We did fun stuff, drank plenty, and I remain pals with several of them even today.

This bride sounds like she is fifteen, not mid-30s. I pity the groom!!!

Some friendships simply don't last, however much effort you make.

You did nothing wrong - indeed the opposite.

Write it off as an expensive exercise in how not to win friends and influence people.

If you can get credit for the flights and a refund for any accommodation then not going is a no brainer. If the friendship is over then so be it.

Since you left the hen do and flew back earlier than planned due to all the toxic atmosphere, I can't really see how you possibly want to spend more money going to the wedding.

It doesn't sound as though you want to go now which is understandable.

How will you feel with further financial outlay and possible tense relations with others at the wedding? To me it would just compound the awfulness of it all.

I think you should talk to your friend. Conversation/video, not text.
If you've been good friends with her for years then I'd reach out. You said you feel something is going on with her, ask her if she's ok. Express compassion for her and how her hen didn't go as she'd hoped it would have.
When the bridesmaids knew the MOH wasn't going anymore, they should have been responsible for sorting hen activities! This is all bad on their side and nothing to do with you.
But I'd reach out and show some sympathy to her. I wouldn't apologise for anything other than going home early but defend and let her know the atmosphere had become quite unbearable and you didn't expect to miss your family so much.

If the thought of going to the wedding is too much for you then don't go and use the credit somewhere else.

(My friend organised her brides hen from her sick bed in hospital. Not that the bride was grateful for her, they're no longer friends.)

This is all the fault of the MOH for bailing. It obviously hurt the bride deeply and she was in a bad place mentally and emotionally for the whole trip. You were all caught in the fall out. Feel sorry for her a bit to be honest. She started looking at everything through the same lens of ‘I’m not good enough and people don’t want me’. It makes people more insecure and more angry the more they dwell on it. On holiday it’s amplified by the new surroundings and expectations she automatically had of it ‘all being wonderful’. It become a self fulfilling prophecy in the end as she got more and more hurt and lashed out being defensive. Bad situation all round. Don’t boycott the wedding though. She needs to let her ‘hurt’ and over reacting settle down and it’ll hopefully be fine. She may well apologise at the wedding when it’s all over and you’ll be a stronger friendship in the end for staying around through it all.

If you don’t want to go, say that unfortunately that is the date of another wedding out of town so you won’t be able to make it.