Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

Cancel trip to wedding, if you can't get a refund, see if you can change dates/destination and make it a family holiday. She sounds a monster, I don't think you'll miss her.

Put together a massive sweep stake on how soon they split/divorce. You might win some of the wasted money back 😁

In your position I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it.

Oh shit, I've just realised I'm invited to this how do I get the hell out of it 🙃 😅

Narr, not really. Just having fun at young people.. I'm quite old and I really don't understand how people can get themselves into this situation. Just say no. Story of my life really everyone always said no to me . Ha

Just a bit of fun kid life's too short.

As a quick update, the official invite arrived today in the post. It was undoubtably sent before the hen do chaos. I've had a few long conversations with my DH about the situation. He supports my decision and I don't know what it will be, I'd prefer not to go though tbh (largely based on reconsidering the cost). He does think that I should reach out to the bride in a few days to explain that I can see both sides of this, that there should have been more effort made around her hen do by everyone, but that it could have been better approached by her as well, to see where that falls out and then just let it be.

Not to drip feed, but I am actually annoyed at one of the bridesmaids who I considered a close friend (the pregnant one), who took a comment that I made when I didn't go on the boat ride and took a day to go to the gym/spa and relax. When they came back I said I was really sad that I didn't go, but I had a good day, and finally relaxed (work an incredibly stressful job, 2 young children, never get time alone). Apparently she relayed to the bride that "I was glad I didn't go with them" before I showed up for breakfast the final morning which caused her to give me the silent treatment, her other bridesmaid told me when she left she had just been shouted at for an hour, and I just wanted home at that point. So essentially someone I thought was my friend ran her mouth and stirred the pot making things worse.

Save the dates are most unfair. They are given out so far in advance you can't even book a holiday etc. to get out of going and use that as an excuse when the invites arrive! You KNEW the date, how COULD you? Trapped I tell you.😊

That's true isn't it?

Reading this I think there are issues from both sides.
As a bride I'd be pissed off if my chief BM or MOH dropped out and no-one else picked up the reins to make my hen 'hen like'. Whether it's a mini-holiday or in the local pub you need that to make it in to the event it is (doesn't have to be mega tacky). It's also gutting when people drop out (I assume these were more local people rather than travelling from overseas for it).
But, the bride was VU to moan so much and to get annoyed with people getting changed in others' rooms - why couldn't she join in the fun, etc.
Sounds like toxic all round tbh!
I would never spend 2K to get to a hen never mind all the rest of the money. And then the wedding on top.
I am so glad I'm older now and got married pre-social media and smart phones.
No-one I know travelled abroad for hens or stags (25-30 years ago) and we all seemed to have a good time! I loved my hen do and it was v low key compared to what goes on now days (meal, club, back to mine for a sleepver for those who wanted to or came a distance, breakfast in a local cafe).
Edited to say we sent invited out 3 months before the wedding, we didn't do save the dates but obviously checked close family were available when we booked the venue etc.

Oh God. Cancel all thoughts of spending money to go to her wedding.

She must be an absolute nightmare to live with if she’s unbearable for 3 days.

I think the assumption is that people will want to go 😄

I’m really struggling with the flying from UK to Mexico for 3 nights thing. What? If my best friend asked me to do that I’d laugh. So to fly to NYC for essentially just a party is real alternate universe stuff for me. Do people do this?

Organising and expecting people to go on a really expensive trip abroad, when they have families to think about, including babies and young children. Phew! I'd be done with her right there, let alone the strops once everyone had made those sacrifices on her behalf.

This phrase 'bridezilla' really just means incredibly immature and narcissistic. Being a bride isn't a pass for being an awful human being.

You sound as bad as each other, twice you feel the need to point out your friend is overweight, some friend!!

Just on that basis, I feign an illness at the last minute.

lol, yes I suppose I must be the ONLY wedding avoider on the planet and that's why I HATE save the bloody dates. 😊

Honestly, don't go. Who needs that kind of expense to go to a wedding that you don't want to go to? So what if the friendship is done, she lives miles away anyway

There wasn't this much drama at the Royal Coronation FGS.

I wouldn't agonise at all. I would bail out right now. Fk them all. Life is so sweet without all that prima donna madness. Surround yourself with people like me instead 😊

Isnt it a shame that work have bollocksed up your PAL so you cant get over to the US just before you are off for XX weeks with your family, its one or the other and the holiday is already paid for.

I imagine the bride was making a big deal of it rather than the OP was judging her for it.

Based on the recent update, I would cancel the flights ant not going. You could say that your ESTA was declined.

£4.5 grand? That is unbelievable or you are very well off.
Regarding wedding, cancel cancel cancel! She's cooked her goose.

Is this the same friend you paid out for for and on the trip?

If so, that's a MASSIVE piss take.

Either way, I'd be having strong words with her. She needs to explain wtf her reasoning was there cus she threw you under the bus, hard!

I’ve no idea if YARBU but you definitely have the makings of a Channel Five drama. The big question. Who do you want to play you?

@JustSawJohnny No, this is a different friend. The one I paid for didn't go, this one was there. For the one shit stirring, I think she was just enjoying the drama/being involved as shes on the periphery usually, and tbh isn't the most fun/well liked person. Regardless, spoke to DH about it last night and he was like in the X years you've known me, you have not had anything good to say about shit stirrer extrordinaire (and i'm a laid back, not bitchy person). He was like cut shit stirrer loose, maybe try connect with the bride to patch things up, but reconsider going in general as you are probably going to have a shit time/be on edge if you do go. Generally, I would prefer to go on a hen do vs wedding any day as you usually get good quality time with friends and a real catch up over a day/few days vs a few hours and the flaffing around getting ready, finding a dress etc.