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Original poster

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

418 replies

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

OP posts:
Llamaleggings · 11/04/2025 19:11

InSpainTheRain · 09/04/2025 23:48

I would cancel flights to the wedding, drop out the group chat and block the bride and probably several others. That's a stratospheric level of drama that I could not be arsed with.

Me too.

ThinkingAboutMyLifeChoices · 11/04/2025 19:11

Put the Hen Do down to experience, an experience that you don't want to repeat due to her bizarre behaviour

I'd cancel everything, send her message telling her why and end the friendship

Job done

Original poster
ohwhatisinaname · 11/04/2025 19:12

@NellieJean Not ITV/BBC? lol. Need someone average but ok looking, moderately exhausted and frazzled, but fun and willing to jetset recklessly at a moment's notice. Maybe Kat Dennings would be a good fit.

OP posts:
Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 11/04/2025 19:20

Oh forget it, I’d RSVP a decline.

Drummergirl1971 · 11/04/2025 19:21

ohwhatisinaname · 11/04/2025 18:10

As a quick update, the official invite arrived today in the post. It was undoubtably sent before the hen do chaos. I've had a few long conversations with my DH about the situation. He supports my decision and I don't know what it will be, I'd prefer not to go though tbh (largely based on reconsidering the cost). He does think that I should reach out to the bride in a few days to explain that I can see both sides of this, that there should have been more effort made around her hen do by everyone, but that it could have been better approached by her as well, to see where that falls out and then just let it be.

Not to drip feed, but I am actually annoyed at one of the bridesmaids who I considered a close friend (the pregnant one), who took a comment that I made when I didn't go on the boat ride and took a day to go to the gym/spa and relax. When they came back I said I was really sad that I didn't go, but I had a good day, and finally relaxed (work an incredibly stressful job, 2 young children, never get time alone). Apparently she relayed to the bride that "I was glad I didn't go with them" before I showed up for breakfast the final morning which caused her to give me the silent treatment, her other bridesmaid told me when she left she had just been shouted at for an hour, and I just wanted home at that point. So essentially someone I thought was my friend ran her mouth and stirred the pot making things worse.

This whole thing sounds so toxic and if I were in your shoes, with all the misgivings & the hideous expense, I wouldn’t go. I’d probably draft (and redraft 1000 times), with input from DH/trusted friend, a message with my reasons for not going i.e that you can understand her feelings of disappointment and stress but that she expressed them appallingly & treated the whole party, who had given up, not only a considerable amount of money but also time with their own families to spend it with her and did not deserve to be treated that way, and without any kind of apology or recognition from the bride for her uncalled for behaviour, you are reluctant to pour good money after bad, to be away from your kids to spend it with people being hostile to you. You’re not a bit part actor in the film of her life, you have a life of your own

JustSawJohnny · 11/04/2025 19:22

ohwhatisinaname · 11/04/2025 19:08

@JustSawJohnny No, this is a different friend. The one I paid for didn't go, this one was there. For the one shit stirring, I think she was just enjoying the drama/being involved as shes on the periphery usually, and tbh isn't the most fun/well liked person. Regardless, spoke to DH about it last night and he was like in the X years you've known me, you have not had anything good to say about shit stirrer extrordinaire (and i'm a laid back, not bitchy person). He was like cut shit stirrer loose, maybe try connect with the bride to patch things up, but reconsider going in general as you are probably going to have a shit time/be on edge if you do go. Generally, I would prefer to go on a hen do vs wedding any day as you usually get good quality time with friends and a real catch up over a day/few days vs a few hours and the flaffing around getting ready, finding a dress etc.

Glad it's not her. That would've been awful.

Agree with your DH in terms of cutting the shit-stirrer loose. She's more than earned it.

I do think you'd be making a mistake going to the wedding, unless the bride to be is very open to understanding your point of view re the hen. Even then I doubt I'd go. You were treated pretty poorly.

Weefox · 11/04/2025 19:22

Yikes! You spent over £2,000 going all the way to Mexico for a nightmare hen do. Crazy.

You'd be mad to go to the wedding, not least because the bride to be owes everyone a massive apology for her outrageous, self obsessed and childish behaviour.

If I were you, I wouldn't even send a present. Block.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 11/04/2025 19:26

Your DH sounds supportive and sensible.

wizzywig · 11/04/2025 19:32

Would she do all of this for you?

CalmBalonz · 11/04/2025 20:05

Fuck her off. What an entitled cow. You don't need the drama. This is not a friendship it is a dictatorship. Lash.

Dymaxion · 11/04/2025 20:08

Who on earth can pretend to care enough about another human being and fuss and fawn over them for over 3 days and spend 2.5k for the privilege, unless they gave birth to them ? And even then my 'aren't you marvellous ' juice runs out well before 48 hours !

CalmBalonz · 11/04/2025 20:14

She is not a good friend. Cut your losses.

99problems99 · 11/04/2025 20:39

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

What. The. Fuck. This bride sounds a total nightmare. I mean yea the hen do should be about the bride.. but not at the detriment to everyone else’s actually sanity. Tell her to piss off. I fell out with my childhood best friend at my hen party because she was on drugs and caused absolute hell, squared up to my mum, physically assaulted my sister, and basically laughed in my face when I broke my heart. Honestly sometimes these things make us SEE who are our true friends. Don’t let the whole ‘she’s a bride’ thing cloud your judgement. She may be a bride, but she’s a biatch.

YouOKHun · 11/04/2025 20:44

I agree with a poster upthread. There are no Bridezillas, only twats showing their true colours. Pity the poor fucker marrying her. I can’t believe that some women behave like this to each other, it’s playground stuff.

Isometimeswonder · 11/04/2025 20:45

I don't love my sister enough to spend that, let alone a friend.

Winter2020 · 11/04/2025 20:51

I would message the bride
"Hi Jo, can you call me in the next week to let me know if we are still friends and I will be welcome at the wedding. If I don't hear from you I will cancel my flight. If I don't see you I hope it goes well".

If she phones you up sulky then say you are cancelling as you aren't travelling round the world to not be made welcome.

Unless you really don't want to go regardless then just message her that you think it's best you don't go. I wouldn't say nothing as they can give someone else your space or cancel your meal.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 11/04/2025 21:04

Friendships don't have to last forever. We all have close friends at various points in our life who may last a while or just briefly. It's OK not to hold on to friendships that aren't working for us any more. It doesn't sound like you particularly like this woman currently, despite your history, and that's OK. You may find your paths cross again in the future but for now I would gently back away and focus your energies on people who bring something positive to your life.

EdithStourton · 11/04/2025 21:05

Honestly, OP, I couldn't be bothered with the drama. If this is how she behaves under pressure, do you really want her as a friend?

Nikki75 · 11/04/2025 21:06

Sounds like a horrendous few days .. just because she has been good to you or is a long term friend doesn't make it ok to treat people the way she has ... I'd of gone home or spent the time away from her .

Apreslapluielesoleil · 11/04/2025 21:13

It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

By far the best part of the whole miserable event I should think.
I’d keep it as silent as that and definitely not attend the wedding.

willstarttomorrow · 11/04/2025 21:14

I feel really old. I am 49 but many of my lovely co-workers I am but none of them (all under 30 in a really responsible job) would behave like this.

If I have read this correctly, everyone involved was between 30-40 yet seem to behave like they are 15 years on Instagram cos-playing what they want a Hen to look like.

This is why a good night out at your favorite place with your favorite people, or at an affordable villa/cottage somewhere, works. Just lots of love and goodwill towards the bride because people like/love her and wish her the best. No massive expectations of 'the best night ever' or being the centre of the universe just because you are one of many thousands getting married that year. Like people have for many decades with no bloody huge fuss! No one even seems to like the bride any more.....

willstarttomorrow · 11/04/2025 21:16

Sorry typos..but you get my drift

Wooky073 · 11/04/2025 21:22

I think the hen do abroad for 3 days is a lot of pressure and expense for everyone and possibly a bad idea. Difficult to meet a large groups expectations when there are lots of differences / likes / interests within the group, even more so when you dont all know each other really well. Was it the brides choice to have an abroad hen do costing so much? Whos idea was this? Possibly the bride found it all overwhelming - particularly with the MOH MIA. But the bride did not handle the situation well. Hopefully the behaviour was out of character for her.

Re the wedding - I personally woudnt have booked flights until my invite was secured. At this point now maybe call the bride and have a chat then consider what to do and if freindship is worth preserving. You can also get a feel for when and if a definate invite is coming.

Fogey · 11/04/2025 21:26

Bridezilla needs a poke in the eye. Full stop. Sack her off and get in with your life. She’s a nightmare.

Omgblueskys · 11/04/2025 21:32

Op cancel the flight, don't bother telling her, the friend, not a friend,
Sit on the group chat unit you feel ready to cone out of it ,
Same friend ( bride to be ) should of contacted you by now over hen weekend but she hasn't, so she's no friend op
Font go to make up the numbers,