Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

[ohwhatisinaname]

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

• The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
• There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
• The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
• There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
• The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
• The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
• I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

• People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
• There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
• No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
• We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
• The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
• Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
• I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

In defence of the MOH, a miscarriage isn’t necessarily something easy to deal with, emotionally or physically. Maybe she thought she’d have time before the hen do to plan and arrange the bits that would have made the bride feel special and singled out in a nice way for her hen do, but had a bad pregnancy which resulted, sadly, in a miscarriage before she had time to sort things out and then afterwards, was too upset to be able to think of jolly things?

And this is why I never had one, have never attended one and never will attend one. You’ve laid how much for a spoilt cow of a bride to whine at everyone.

Because your friends are arseholes too? I’d get better friends. I’ve been on about 12 hen dos and they’ve all been friendly and fun. Not one tiny piece of drama

Your DH sounds nice and has offered the kindest approach I have heard on here so far.

Is this bride a teenager? I can't believe people still go along with this kind of self-centred idiot. Same as the far-flung weddings, just say no. You've already wasted too much time and money on this bride ills.

Bridezilla FFS stupid autofill

You're not unreasonable, and I find it unfathomable the guests have to spend that much of their own money on the event...

But, it sounds to me she's under a lot of stress, she's had imaginary expectation which life never delivers, and she don't know how to handle it well, so it turns into negative outbursts.

Ah come on is this for real or are you just writing the screenplay for bridesmaids2? If so, keep working!
If it's real, with friends like you lot who needs enemies? Sounds toxic,.queen bee behaviour,egos and gossiping.

A wedding is ONE day of your life and 50 percent end in divorce. All this focus on perfection for basically one day when you could be focusing on the things that really matter. Not to mention the wanton splurge of cash and the obligation. Won't be much of a fun wedding for guests if the hen do is that bad?! Pretty sure you've outer her on here too work the details you've provided so I doubt it's real.

Me too. Way too much drama for adults.

@ohwhatisinaname I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).

This bit stuck out as being really strange.

If she is getting married, why would she want other men to be into her? That doesn't make any sense.

I mean, there are two flights regardless of how long you stay, so what's the problem?

Disgusting. Stomach turning. She could have had a nice party and given the rest to charity.

For the ego boost. Prove she's "still got it," I guess.

Are there people who actually think like this? Very strange.

I’d hang tight for a few more weeks then. Make the decision when the invite arrives (or doesn’t arrive).

she sounds awful.

Eh? You could say that about pretty much everything! I don't travel much, I think it's a waste of money and would rather spend on things I can keep and enjoy for ages than use it on something as ephemeral and soon-over as a holiday. But people are entitled to spend their own money on what they want. 🤷‍♀️ For a lot of people, 4.5k isn't even that much.

By the logic of your post, people should never buy nice cars or houses or clothes because they could get all those things cheaper and give the rest to charity, correct?

Oh, I think lots of people think like that. I don't think it's that strange, either. Human beings are very selfish as a species.

But again, there are two flights whether someone stays for two days or two months. I'm genuinely not understanding how the length of trip makes a difference.

Is it on WhatsApp? Mute it and shove it in your archive so you’re not reading arsey messages/getting anxious about them - you can then quietly leave in a few weeks or after the wedding x

YANBU.

If she’s being this spoilt, prissy and pissy now, It’s unlikely she’ll cop on before the wedding. Still go, though, unless told otherwise. Not turning up would be worse.

Honestly though, I think this expectation of having your mates, with various other responsibilities, spend 2.5k on a trip to treat you like a special little princess is fucking horrible. Just say no. It’s ok to politely decline.
This financial and time demand on other people is deeply immature and all for show, not joy. I find it abhorrent the way some brides go on.

The best hen celebrations I’ve been on is a day. That’s enough.

Interesting I thought that you mentioned her weight TWICE

I think you should call her and speak to her - texting/emailing/WhatsApp can lose the tone of your message. It's the only way to find out if this bridezilla behaviour was a temporary thing or whether she's changed (and perhaps you have too in light of your career/marriage/2 young kids) irreparably. Only way to find is to speak. Ideally you should do it face to face (not poss of course). It'll be a tough phone call (to tell her you're not going). Rehearse the excuse element imo. Or not. Perhaps it's gone beyond caring. Sometimes though (and I know you hate confrontation).... Squaring up and dealing with something immediately is better than letting it fester. There's an argument that says you should have told her weeks ago you're not going. Be clear, be straight, be prepared for a v shitty response. But at least you'll know. Or perhaps the phone call changes your mind and you decide to go after all. It's the only way to find out. Speak to her. Good luck.

I'd have thought that the invitations for a June wedding would have gone out by now.

A family member of mine is getting married in June and the invitations went out before last Christmas.

I've noticed group things can massively turn up the heat on whatever was going on for her already. She sounds like an only child and a bit spoilt. However, I hope you can resolve it for a peaceful outcome for you - agree with others about giving her a ring and cutting out the noise

2.5K on a trip for a wedding that isn't your own.
I grew up in a typical, middle class household, in a fairly affluent area, and absolutely no one did this. I have this theory that consumerism has infected the upper working class to such an extent that I don't even recognise my own culture any more. We have a new earning class, that has no connection to what I was familiar with, and how it spends.

This isn't a criticism so much as bemusement.
Even the wealthiest people we know wouldn't drop that on a wedding event (unless it was their own).
It would generally go into savings, or for the kid's education.

Trying to keep up these days must be really fucking hard.