9 yr old DS, doesn’t let me talk to DH

[LadyGillingham]

He constant interrupts and tries to get the attention of one of us. DH and I work full time so we don’t get much time together. DS won’t let me speak to DH for 5 mins! DH doesn’t stop this behaviour - I think he quite enjoys the attn when 2 people are fighting for him.
It’s also quite sad that DH doesn’t prioritise talking to me. what should I do? Just stop talking to DH until he stands up for me?

There’s lots of misrepresentation here by you and other posters.

Saying that he interrupts about trivial stuff

The issue isn’t with DS talking about trivial stuff, it’s that he doesn’t talk to DH about these things when DH is not talking to OP. DS interferes specifically when OP is talking to her DH. So there is jealousy here which needs to be addressed by DH being more present for his son, not by allowing DS to interrupt OP with talk about Horrid Henry because DH likes being in demand.

and then getting a weird notion about “being the nanny” and that she has to be silent until the children are in bed to have a proper interrupted chat. It’s just bizarre to me.

The nanny comment was in response to people patronisingly telling OP that all her DH wants to do is spend time with his son and OP should let him. When clearly that’s not the case because the DH prefers to be on his phone or TV.

Yes, the DS shouldn’t interrupt but the issue here is that he’s clearly desperate for some time and attention from his dad. So DH needs to come home and do that - spend time with his kids. His phone, and conversations about chores, can wait.

You’re preaching to the converted, I have already made this point upthread. What are you adding here?

OP is an adult who doesn’t need immediate, undivided time with her DH every day after work. She can text him during the day, wait until the children are in bed etc. Her 9yo doesn’t have that - he has a tiny window between dad getting home and bedtime.

Op is a human being who is being dismissed from conversations because her DH prefers for Op to be interrupted rather than for him to spend time with his son.

It sounds like your son gets plenty of time chatting to you. What about time chatting with Dad? Is it that he comes home at 730 and your ds also is desperate to tell him things? Could the conversation you want to have with your dh wait til your son is in bed? Or has had a bit of daddy time at least?

Once you've addressed that though, I'd have a talk with your dh about not letting g ds interrupt, and teaching him that sometimes he needs to wait. It's a crucial life skill and as long as ds emotional needs are met, it's one he really needs to learn.

You’re very defensive of the OP @nomas - is there a reason you feel the need to pick apart every response that says she’s being unreasonable?

Have a chat with your son and explain sometimes he has to wait a couple of minutes to talk to his dad. When he is talking to his dad about rockets or whatever join in the conversation or ask questions. Then when he’s a teenager he might be less inclined to skulk in his bedroom all the time.

So according to the wonderfully balanced world of Mumsnet it is ok for OP to spend all the time she wants alone chatting with their son as soon as she finishes work because she hasn’t seen him all day, but not ok for her husband to spend time chatting with his son as soon as he finishes work because he hasn’t seen him all day otherwise he’s in the wrong, he’s not parenting, he’s undermining her blah blah blah. If it’s ok for OP to spend time straight after work engaging with her son then it’s ok for her husband too.

I think I'd really emphasise that this habit is something others will find increasingly difficult to tolerate as your DS gets older. I'd ask DH does he really want to see his son get left out because people find him annoying?

Is it possible that your husband enjoys you both 'competing' for his attention..?

What would happen if you stopped talking and gave your attention elsewhere?
What would happen if your husband had to 'compete' for your attention..?
Why isn't your husband positively motivated to have a 10 minute conversation with you?

Your child is a child and doesn't know better.

Im not the OP and I find your post totally inappropriate

Fine if you believe the child has ADHD. I’m not quite sure how you can be so sure from the few lines the OP has written about her ds. Very simply because NT children also interrupt and behave that way!! But heyho…

But the comment about the OP being argumentative because she doesn’t comments about ADHD into account?? And that it CLEARLY means it’s a defect of hers and it’s because she has ADHD?!?
Thats so far out of line that I’m not even sure what to say tbh.
To start with the OP is allowed to disagree with 99% of what MN says. MN isn’t some sort of golden standard, let alone individual posters (like you. Sorry….).
And then the being argumentative=ADHD is …..

@LadyGillingham you have a dh problem. Which I think you know.

The only way to solve this issue is to have a chat with your dh and ‘remind him’ that when ds is interrupting you havinf a conversation, he is being rude. And that as parebts, you really need to teach him politeness. Which includes waiting his turn. (The touching your hand idea is also a really good one).

Im also going to ask about your dh and ds climbing all over him at weekends, wanting his attention.
Does your dh only give attention to his ds when he is climbing all over him? And does your dh get involve in parenting in other ways? I mean he clearly doesn’t back you up when his ds is being rude. But does he intervene at other times when ds is misbehaving? Is he involved in bed time, ensuring his bedroom is tidy - ie all the not so glamorous sides of parenting?
Because I’m wondering if the interruption agd the way your dh behaves then isn’t a symptom of something else iyswim.

Btw when your ds interrupts, I’d tell him to wait a couple of minutes. If your dh then gives ds all his attention, id remind your dh you were having a conversation and he is being rude too. Because he is! There is little difference between your ds behaviour and your dh in that respect.

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on the dad here, i'm sure he does want to talk to his wife, but he also wants to spend time with his child, which don't think anyone can knock. I'd rather a man made his child his priority over his wife (an adult).

You both accept this ridiculous and rude behaviour?
Is this gentle parenting or no idea parenting?

Love how your allowed an opinion but I'm not, mumsnet hypocrisy at its finest, congrats

You’re very critical of the OP, is there a reason you need to pick apart her posts when she has clearly said her DH is the problem here, not her son?

I would give your son the attention he is craving in the evening but make him go to bed at a reasonable time so you then have time to talk to your DH.

Need nip that in the bud now OP ... my friend allowed her DD to interrupt adults constantly and she still does it at 23.

Yup, we do this too. DC are adults, but we use it on family FaceTime and when we are all together it just continues effortlessly. We are a neurodiverse family though and it helps the ADHDers to remember that they had something to say before it flits from their mind, as well as helping not butt in.

So if your DH is working from home does he still come down at 7;30 and expect his dinner.

it sounds as if this is the straw that is breaking you that makes you feel like a Nanny is your own home - but truthfully is your DS letting you have a 10 minute conversation going to solve the underlying issues you have in the set up you have

I think this is definitely a DH problem

Hmmm, you’ve not referred to DS with ownership (my DS), you adultify him, say he is jealous, attitude seems to be DH speaks to you or DS not collective family convo in terms of conversation, you write about him in a detached way, DH isn’t allowing you to alter behaviour and you seem to be in a tug of war with the child (going upstairs because you were interrupted).

you also seem to have no care in correcting the behaviour for the benefit of DS, just yourself and feel like a nanny (but don’t state like a parent).

Got to be a step child situation.

He could well just be wanting to be part of the conversation. Mr 6 yrs thinks he has something to contribute!!! So bring him into the conversation, "mate, what do you think about the mortgage rate increase?". When he has nothing to say, then say, that you are talking to dad about this and in x mins you will talk to him.

Not really, it sounds annoying and a perfectly reasonable gripe. I’m sure OP talks to her son plenty but adults also need to talk without kids constantly butting in.

I’m not sure it’s fair to say he’s butting in - yes, technically he is from a purely logical standpoint but it’s pretty clear that he’s just desperate for his dad’s attention.

He’s a kid who hasn’t seen his dad all day and when he does come home, he’s more interested in his phone and the TV than in his kids. That’s not a nice feeling. And so he’s learnt that if he waits for mum to get dad’s attention, he can talk and get attention too.

The issue here isn’t an interrupting or rude 9yo, it’s a father who comes home from work and thinks it’s okay to zone out in front of the TV. OP is focusing all her annoyance on a child - it should be on the grown up who can’t be bothered.

How weird and patronizing of you. My youngest—now a poised and confident 26 year old—was very impressed when she attended her older sister’s kindergarten class (youngest post nursery here) and loved to hold up her hand at dinner rather than interrupt. Its lead us all to good turn taking habits. What is the problem with that?

That must be very frustrating and unpleasant for anyone trying to have a conversation with you.

He isn’t making his child a priority. He us treating OP’s adult speech and the son’s minecraft babble as equally unimportant. Both just buzzing flies interrupting his tv or phone scrolling. He lets them interrupt him and claim his attention a little bit without seriously engaging.

No I don't.

He clearly is the issue here, even more so with what OP has added.